


A Little More Time (Kill Me Later, Love Me Now)

by constellayetion



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: ATLA Big Bang, ATLA Big Bang 2020, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assassination Attempt(s), F/F, F/M, Hallucinations, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Misunderstandings, Paranoia, Passively suicidal thoughts, Post-Canon, Recovery, Sleep Deprivation, The Gaang learning how to cope with each other's trauma, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellayetion/pseuds/constellayetion
Summary: Recovery: A process of moving forward. And moving back.The group leaves Zuko for two weeks. Just two weeks.That’s how long it took for him to become convinced they were trying to kill him.
Relationships: Eventual Zuko & Healthy Coping Mechanisms, Sokka & Suki (Avatar), Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki/Zuko (Avatar), Suki & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 119
Kudos: 510
Collections: ATLA Big Bang 2020, Koi’s atla fic recs





	1. Reunion, Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [burnt_oranges](https://archiveofourown.org/users/burnt_oranges/gifts), [greeksalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeksalad/gifts).



> This is my fic for the ATLA Big Bang 2020! I am so excited to share it with you all!  
> Huge, huge thanks for my amazing beta's. These two are amazing people, wonderful friends I've made through the bang, and also immensely talented editors and writers. Thank you so much to Sarah and Wheat for being the most amazing beta's I could ask for. It's been such a fun process with you both and I've learned so much from both of you. <3
> 
> Check out the lovely Sarah out [on AO3 at greeksalad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeksalad/pseuds/greeksalad) or [on tumblr at greeksaladbb!](https://greeksaladbb.tumblr.com)
> 
> Also, check out the incredible Wheat on[ AO3 at burnt_oranges!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/burnt_oranges/pseuds/burnt_oranges/)
> 
> Also, the amazing artists for this work.  
> Scarlet [(who you can check out on Tumblr here)](https://srl541.tumblr.com/) has made some amazing instrumentals for this work!
> 
> [You can listen to the track for this chapter here! ](https://soundcloud.com/scarletmotifs/paranoia/s-VaF19uq6BCz)
> 
> Our other incredible artist Randi made some amazing, amazing art for this, you should totally check it out here and also give this amazing and talented person a follow/check out their blog. The art is [ here ](https://afrosteampunkwriter.tumblr.com/post/634098703422078976/photography-for-a-little-more-time-kill-me-later) and you can follow her on tumblr [ here ](https://afrosteampunkwriter.tumblr.com/)  
> 
> 
> Scarlet also has some more amazing content that we will drop for another chapter, so stay tuned!
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I'm so excited to share this with you all. <3  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in end notes!

Zuko hadn’t slept in 32 hours. 

Even then, it was a three-hour nap that only happened because he had found a storage cellar that seemed untouched and unreachable from a painted off door. Said door may have slightly kinda ripped open a small part of his arm getting through it, but that was besides the point. 

He was going to finish this last proposal and then go to sleep. Just this one. Just one more. 

Luckily, it was going to be an easy one. 

It had been submitted by the Kyoshi Warriors, working with Mai and Ty Lee, who were now some of the leading people in reformation; from criminals to orphans, they were doing a lot of work with how to better treat those people (that the war had created a lot more of). And if Mai’s family standing and money helped, well, that was just a bonus. 

According to Mai, her parents had always been pushing her to get into politics anyway— but if the policies weren’t already enough to convince Zuko, the look in those two’s eyes, the pride that he hadn’t seen since they were kids when they both talked about what they were doing would seal the deal. But, this reform was  _ officially  _ from the Kyoshi Warriors, with Mai’s big family name backing it. 

This particular proposal was something...with regards to prison reform. Suki had already talked to him about it, so the proposal was mostly a formality. Especially since it was about the third one that had gone through with the same writers: Kyoshi Warriors + Mai+ Ty Lee + whoever else they end up roping in to help people. One time they even somehow got the Foggy Swamp Tribe involved, and that was an...interesting briefing for his advisors. 

They wanted to start a trend on implementing restorative justice instead of retributive justice, like they used to do in Kyoshi Island a long time ago, along with other rural parts of the Earth Kingdom. Restorative justice was something which focused on rehabilitation to society and community ties over just...hurting people. Which was a trend the Fire Nation had made more popular. 

Regardless, the Warriors were hoping to rehabilitate as many incarcerated individuals as possible and then let them return to outside life with vast improvements, etc. Suki, Mai, Ty Lee, and the rest of the crew were geniuses whom Zuko trusted with his life; he could definitely trust them with a proposal they had proved repeatedly that they were amazing at implementing, etc., it was good for society. So on and so forth. Etc.  _ Fuck _ , he was tired. 

So, Zuko needed to grant clearance for them to visit various Fire Nation prisons, do their community building, all that fancy...fun...stuff...

The text blurred together. 

Zuko swore he could hear footsteps coming towards his door. But he knew it was just his own acclimation to being constantly bothered (as he found out last month after scouring his entire wing for who was making those gods-fucked footsteps and...no one was even in that section of the palace). He could get through this one. Just this one last one. 

_ With regards to justice, the Kyoshi Warriors believe a system of empathy would greatly benefit re-building a sense of community and interpersonal responsibility. It has shown efficacy in various parts of the Earth Kingdom and Kyoshi Island (reports attached) and we hope to share the same benefits with the Fire Nation.  _

_ Isolation/Cooling is a barbaric practice that isolates prisoners. It dehumanizes them and is a vast miscalculation on the hopes of any that wish to rehabilitate them. All it leads to is strife and isolation to the point that even their own communities see them as monsters. And they will have to deal with the consequences of that mistake. Isn’t that right, dum-dum? _

Zuko’s eyes shot open. 

That was something… No, it couldn’t be… 

He read it again. 

_ Even their own communities see them as monsters. We hope to experiment with a—  _

Zuko ripped his eyes away. He was wrong. He just...read it wrong. That’s all. 

It was just one phrase. Just something Azula used to say. It wasn’t her. It couldn’t be her. This was from the Kyoshi warriors…

Who Azula had already infiltrated… Whose former best friend was part of… Ty Lee would never do that, though; she had already betrayed Azula. And Azula had never seen it coming…

She would know Zuko wouldn’t see it coming…

Zuko crumpled the scroll on his desk and rested his head on it. 

_ Do not panic. Do not panic. Do not— _

Fuck it. Zuko needed to know anyway, he needed to  _ always  _ be prepared. All he had been since his fr— since the last of the group left was ill-prepared, and it had landed him more scars and a constant gnawing in his stomach from hunger to anxiety to nausea and back to hunger again, along with a burn in the back of his throat that might have been real or might have been imagined— Zuko couldn’t tell anymore. All it had been since they left was Agni Kai to assasination attempt to poisoned food to plots brewing in the throne room, in the kitchen, in the hallways, how could he not expect this? How could he be so stupid? Of course, he was so  _ unprepared _ . So inexperienced. Oblivious. 

He’ll just check the list of prisons. They weren’t going to ask for access to  _ all  _ of them. It was a small group of them. As a test. Just to see how it works. Just low-risk prisons. 

_ East Colony Restraining Zone _

_ Caldera Central Prison _

_ Rocky Cave Seclusion Center _

_ Drowner’s End _

_ Coastal Community Rehabilitation Center _

He sighed. Whether it was relief or...not relief, who knows, who cares. 

Azula’s prison wasn’t on the list. Of course Azula’s prison wasn’t going to be on the list, what was he thinking? Azula was in a mental institution. Not a prison. It wasn’t a prison. Ty Lee already goes to see her regularly. Cinders,  _ Zuko  _ already goes to see her regularly. 

This was fine. Everything was— 

He would just check. Make sure it  _ was  _ fine. There was no harm with going through the prisoner list, right? He was just...curious. 

He skimmed it quickly. Carefully. Checking names, one, twice, and maybe a few more times for good measure. 

So far, there was no one to arouse suspicion. Which was good. Zuko was...relieved. He had to be relieved. No one would feel more relieved about being certain that some...people that they knew might possibly wish harm on them to the extent of breaking sworn enemies out of prison under a sham of a proposal. Right? 

No one of suspicion in East Colony, no one in Caldera Central, no one in Rocky Cave…

Wait— 

He checked. Then checked again. Then checked a third time. 

Rocky Cave. Named so as a misnomer. The interior was all metal, deep inside the tunnels that went under the mountains. Many years ago, it existed to deprive firebenders of their element and slowly let them wither because of it. During the war, earthbenders were often kept there. 

So he shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when he saw the name. 

_ Long Feng _

He was in seclusion. The Kyoshi Warriors wouldn’t get access to those in seclusion. They didn’t even have access yet, they didn’t have access to him, they weren’t the ones who— 

_ A week ago, a Dai Li agent, his face pressed into rock and a whisper in his ear,  _

_ “Long Feng sends his regards. And hopes to see you soon.” _

_ Bruises on his arms, a broken rib digging into his side, a guard hauling the agent off, and the sick smile accompanying the almost-assassin’s threat still flickering in the shadows whenever Zuko was alone. _

—but Suki wasn’t in control of that, of the agents, of the assassination attempt, Suki doesn’t have access to him, Suki  _ wouldn’t  _ have access to him. Only to those individuals who committed the less severe crimes. Who shouldn’t have been kept with, you know, the actual war criminals. Which the Kyoshi Warriors were right about. Which Suki had convinced him of. 

Still, the mild offenders…

Zuko tore through the rest of the list… he  _ knew  _ he knew the name somewhere. Rocky Cave… that’s where two of the rogue former-Dai Li from last week came from. 

The footsteps were back, pounding in the hall. Was that a knock? No, of course not, he was alone. He was alone. Totally alone. Alone. In a giant palace full of people who want to kill him. Full of people that had yet to try, while Caldera Central sat full of people who had already tried. And that was another prison on the list. 

But that would mean… This is Suki’s signature.  _ Master Suki, Captain of the Kyoshi Warriors,.  _

Is this her plot? 

Or did someone trick her? 

It couldn’t be that. Suki was too smart. And it was  _ her  _ signature. Her handwriting on the document. Her plans as she explained them to him. 

Suki was a part of this. 

No, no, of course she wasn’t. 

Suki  _ planned _ this. 

There was no way he was going to sleep tonight. 

* * *

He spent the night going through the rosters of every prison; every prisoner, every guard, every warden, every nurse, every person who ever has or will set foot in that building. 

Prisoners of War that should have been freed a long time ago (another thing that he  _ had  _ to do, since the dignitary tasked with that apparently just...didn’t), low-level thieves (driven into it from no other choice), draft-dodgers (from a war that would kill them and not even notice the blood): the list went on and on. Plenty of people that had every reason to hate him. 

When he finished that, he started going through the history of the Kyoshi warriors, every single one, individually. 

So far, it was mostly...tragedy. Dead parents, POW camps, more Kyoshi Warriors lost in the line of fire. 

Normally, Zuko would see this as a reason to reach out, as a reason to try to build bridges with them while also mourning their losses alongside them. More people his own age hurt and others lost because of his father’s war. 

But now he saw with total clarity what he should have realized it meant: all of them have plenty of reason to hate the Fire Nation. And anything attached to it. Any _ one _ attached to it. 

Zuko should have never been so stupid. He almost wants to laugh at his own absurdity. 

Yeah, totally  _ Zu-Zu _ , let five teenagers that you’ve literally  _ tried to murder  _ (well, kidnap in order to return home but not like they’re gonna see it that way) into your house and home  and heart and trust them and expect them not to take advantage of that. They have  _ every  _ reason to take advantage of that. They— 

Someone knocked on the door. 

There’s even a shadow under it, too, so Zuko knew it was a real person and not a manifestation of 44 hours without sleep. 

Unless the...eye tricks were just getting more sophisticated. 

“Come in!” Zuko called out. 

Shina, one of his pages, entered (thank the gods) and announced, “The Avatar, the Lord and Lady of the Southern Water Tribe, Mistress Beifong, and the Captain of the Kyoshi Warriors have arrived to see you, your Majesty.”

He smiled. “Thank you, Shina. Please let them know I will meet them shortly.” She bowed, he nodded, and she left. 

_ Fuck  _ fuck. Fuck. 

He knew they were arriving. They had rarely left after the Comet. After the weeks of treaty making in Ba Sing Se, meeting their families, meeting their friends, meeting the Northern Water Tribe healers after Zuko was attacked in the streets (by an understandably grieving colonist with mixed nation heritage and mixed opinions on the change in rule, it was fine, it was only a slight concussion and led to a good conversation with the guy). Getting to know Bato, Chief Hakoda, even Kanna, who only visited for a few days and then had to return to lead the Southern Tribe, and the grandmother was the one to notice something slipped into Zuko’s drink by an Ozai supporter (less justifiable, even though there was also less injury). Making friends with King Kuei...somehow...and his weird bear. Realizing how easy, how fast and final a coup could happen and how flippantly Kuei had said he “hopes Fire Lord Zuko will handle his first one well”. The last time they had split up was...that first time, during the comet, the time that all of them almost died. 

But, there was pressing business in the Earth Kingdom and in Ba Sing Se and in the Tribes and who knows where else (Zuko had been paying attention when they told him, but it just hadn’t stayed in his brain, which was full of trade numbers from the southern islands and the colonies, he had  _ tried  _ to remember it just wouldn’t  _ stick _ ) and then they had been gone. For two weeks. He had gotten letters, he was sure he had gotten letters. 

Yes, he had. And he had responded. 

They were doing well. They had spent two weeks without him. In enemy territory. 

No, not enemy territory— there is no enemy territory because the war is over. They had been doing important diplomatic business and visiting their  _ families _ . 

Yes, their families. Their other loyalties. 

Which should be good. Having a family is good. Right? Like anyone expects Zuko to know. Everyone knows  _ he  _ wouldn’t understand.

He needed to go greet them. He needs to… With one deep breath, he pushed every single feeling and thought and  _ worry  _ he had into the deepest part of his stomach. It was going to be fine. He would be fine. 

And he left his office. 

When he made it to the courtyard, the group was already mostly unloaded. Sokka seemed to still be bemoaning the long flight, Aang was grinning and flitting about, while Katara made failing attempts to actually get the servants to make sense of what bags should go to which rooms, Toph was lying in the dirt and Suki...was the first to see him. 

_ Of course, master of stealth and surveillance… _

“Zuko!” And she was running and leaping and he was wincing and she was...hugging him. She was just hugging him. 

It felt nice. He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed back. 

“I missed you.” she said. 

“It’s good to see you,” he said and found it wasn’t a lie. Which made his stomach hurt even more. So, he wrapped his arms tighter and enjoyed the moment while he had it. 

She pulled back, laughing. “I see you found some strength again! Don’t think I missed that flinch though!” She dropped her voice and her smile, “Is the lightning still acting up?”

He blinked. He should have known she’d notice. Honestly, she’s too smart for her own good. Or, really, plenty smart for her own good but too smart for Zuko’s good. “Uh...yeah. A little.” The lie passed over like ash on his tongue, sticky and would make him cough with too many of them. He swallowed. 

Her eyebrows knit together and she reached out to his arm. Just...a supportive touch and Zuko didn’t expect anything else. Totally. She smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.” 

He smiled. And then got side-tackled by five feet (and a quarter inch) of Southern Water Tribe. 

“ZUKO— oof.” 

“Yeah, you might have overcalculated just a little bit there, Sokka. You boys catch up, I’ll try and stop Katara from having a meltdown over room assignments.” Suki snickered and then went to where Katara was trying and failing to scoop Toph out of her newly made earth pit. 

“Hey Sokka—” is all Zuko managed to get out before Sokka squashed all the air out of him. Again.

“Sokka...can’t...breathe…” Zuko choked out before Sokka managed to let him go. 

But, he didn’t let him go. He just held him at arm's-length, looking him up and down. 

“Sokka, you don’t need to check for stab wounds, I promise I’m  _ fine _ .” 

“I know, I know, I just…” Sokka tentatively wrapped his arms around him again and buried his face in his shoulder, the way he always does when he has to admit ‘feeling-y stuff’, “I just missed you.”

Zuko thanked the gods he wore the long sleeves that covered up any evidence that Sokka would, of course, overreact about. 

Yeah. This would be fine. Everything would be fine.

* * *

Everything was not fine. Everything was not fine. Everything was not fine. 

Zuko had fallen asleep. Zuko had meetings in the morning. Zuko had  _ so  _ much to do. 

Zuko had fallen asleep in the wing he had marked out for the group. Their usual wing. Where they had been staying for months until they left, and then it was left empty. For two whole weeks. 

Suki had ultimately told the palace workers to just dump all their stuff in the middle common area that attached all five rooms. Hence, the piles of luggage that now littered the place. Which totally did not look like people lurking in the shadows or perfectly good hiding places for someone trying to kill him or his friends or his friend’s pet lemur. Not that he would even notice if someone was waiting in the shadows because he had fallen asleep. 

_ Dum-Dum.  _

After Suki had saved them all from Katara’s Katara-ness— that they all  ~~ love ~~ like and appreciate, as Aang always reiterates and then forces everyone else to admit, they had all gone back to their rooms and greetings had turned into the ridiculous tales of their individual nonsenses from their trips, and that had turned into dinner (which— when was the last time Zuko had sat down for a meal?) and that had turned into snacks and that had turned into...this. 

Katara laid across one of the couches with Aang sitting against it, his head against her stomach and his shoulder completely overtaken by Toph, whose legs were digging into Zuko’s back. And Zuko was looking down at Sokka’s head in his lap, his hair out of the wolf tail and soft against Zuko’s arm, which is curled under Sokka’s head...and Suki was nestled under his other arm, her mouth relaxed, lips in a small smile, and as he adjusted she makes a small whine that just had him pulling her closer and totally  _ not  _ noticing the pleased noise she made when he did so. And his thumb was already tracing small circles on Sokka’s collarbone  _ against  _ his own volition but he couldn’t bring himself to stop either movement. 

But he should. And the soft warm thing in his heart hurts so bad that it sets him off again. 

These were his friends. These were...the people his body remembered as trustworthy. The first place he had gotten a full night’s rest since they left. The people he looked at and...all he felt was soft joy, creeping into every part of his life. 

Memories of baking with Katara in the kitchen, training with Aang in all the courtyards because he always wanted ‘variety’, racing Suki through the hallways and escaping her on the rooftops (skilled warrior as she was, not as skilled a climber) and dodging rocks from Toph.

They were his friends. He...he didn’t want to lose them. Was he wrong to let them go? Was he wrong to let them come back? Was he wrong to ever let them stay in the first place? 

...Had he already lost them? 

He should have released them months ago. He should have insisted they go back to their lives. He should have taken a break. He should have gone with Suki to Kyoshi Island or with Sokka to Ba Sing Se. Then, he would have more happy memories with them instead of more injuries. He wouldn’t have the new scar on his collarbone that he could  _ not  _ let Suki find about— she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. But, if he had lost her, it wouldn’t matter to her, would it? If that was what she wanted now? He should have apologized as soon as they got back. He should have written more. He should have invited their families to stay here, should have stopped arguing with them, should have abdicated the throne, died in the Agni Kai, done anything to keep them here, keep  _ this  _ from happening. He should have excused himself last night. 

This was...bad. This  _ had  _ to be bad. He wouldn’t feel like this if something wasn’t wrong, right? His chest  _ hurt _ . His ribs ached. He felt like that time he had accidentally inhaled an entire campfire’s smoke and his lungs didn’t work for a week and he kept trying to figure out what he had done wrong and instead his vision was going just a little bit fuzzy and blurry and actually a lot fuzzy and blurry and he felt like he couldn’t breathe because he actually wasn’t breathing he could tell because he was getting light headed and— 

Suki reached out, still half-asleep, and fully put her hand over his face.

“Calm down, Flamester. We’ve got you.”

She patted his face and her hand fell back down, narrowly missing hitting Sokka in the nose, resting instead on Zuko’s stomach, her eyes closing again. Zuko somehow...regained his breath? Probably just due to the...Suki. Because she was physically there with him. Because she was a threat. If she was awake. And putting her hands on him and stuff. 

She was calming him down, though...she was being comforting. The way she was before. The way she always had been, like nothing had even changed. 

Maybe this was a trap. Or just a… 

An example…

The thing was, he knew plenty of people who wanted to play with their food before killing it. 

Suki (fuck, maybe even all of them)  _ could  _ be showing him how easy it would be, if they wanted to, to take care of him. Get him out of the picture. 

Fuck, at this point if they wanted to...do the... _ that _ , they all knew he wasn’t getting enough sleep, he wasn’t at his best game, Suki had even commented that she  _ knew  _ he was coming into the chase already behind — _ born lucky...lucky to be born—  _ and now here was proof (if it was proof, was it proof?) that she could creep into his life when he was at the most vulnerable and he could do nothing about it. 

_ —Ozai’s voice, repeating over and over, yelling, “You have learned nothing!” and lighting burning the hair off his skin—  _

He  _ would  _ do nothing about it. 

And no one would stop her. Fucking fuck, it’s possible that none of them would even notice. He was playing the game cards up, and Suki— Suki was perfect. Suki was skilled enough he wouldn’t even be able to tell when she won.

But, it was fine. It was better than fine. This was good. He bit his teeth against the laugh that was threatening to climb out of his throat. 

Zuko grew up in a home like this. He grew up loving people like this. He knows the rules. If — _ if _ — this was the game, he would play, just like he always has. 

Power plays were good. Needing to prove a point is good. These are things you don’t do with expendable people. This probably meant that Zuko just...needed to shape up. Be put in his place, he guessed. 

Which was  _ good _ . Positive reinforcement was good. If this was how it was presented, that was fine. 

He just didn’t know where he had slipped up, but that was  _ fine _ . He could learn. Maybe he just...he’ll just do better. They probably just realized while they were home with their  _ actual _ families and  actual friends that he still had plenty to make up for. Maybe they just got reminded of what he had done in the South Pole, or on Kyoshi Island, or in Ba Sing Se, or really anywhere. That’s all. 

Suki snuggled into his arm, and sighed, and smiled. A piece of her hair fell in front of her face and Zuko couldn’t keep himself from reaching forward to brush it aside. She looked so gentle in her sleep. So peaceful. So…

Trustworthy. What was he even thinking? She was his friend. She was...Suki. She was amazing. She was— 

He looked down at her and saw her face. He...he didn’t want to lose that. Any of this. Not to his own possible delusions. Not to his own possibly…accurate observations. 

Maybe, later, he could pull Suki aside and ask her what else she thinks should be done. That’ll work. Maybe he’ll just do that with the whole group. Just to be sure. Just to be safe. 

He lets himself drift off to planning, thinking about guard schedules and rearrangements and avoiding the hallways that the Avatar’s group took. Gently, unthinkingly, he took back Suki’s hand, wrapping his hand around her and feeling the strong, safe, capable callouses there. He turned and pressed his lips to the top of her head, her soft hair tickling his nose and rubbing at the sensitive skin over his scar. 

All of this, her, his friends, were worth it for him to try to do better. Either way it fell, if he was delusional or just...still not good enough, there was something wrong with him. And he would fix it. 

He’ll be fine. Everyone will be fine. He’ll just have to do better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: hallucinations, disordered eating (fear of eating/restriction due to assassinations attempts), sleep deprivation, paranoia and implied abuse/violence in canon


	2. Reunion, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in end!

Sokka knew everything was fine. 

Sokka _knew_ it. 

He knew because Zuko had insisted he would be fine and insisted everyone would be fine and okay and good. 

Ice on a pike, Zuko had spent hours presenting to him and Suki every trade wind, every bad current, just so they would _sail there_ okay (ignoring the fact both of them basically grew up on boats), let alone the time he spent making sure their guards were sound, checking over their food, their documents, their bags, testing their sparring— both in and out of the practice room, annoying ~~and adorable~~ as it was to be woken up by a still-in-his-sleep-clothes Fire Lord screaming ‘Blagh, got you! Fight me off, Sokka!’, and literally...going over all of their ships himself for any holes, rust, any potential failing or sabotage or whatever else Zuko’s fear of everything would dream up. Sokka even walked in on him interviewing _Appa_ before Katara and Aang left which was...weird. (Appa licked him and Zuko decided he was fine.) 

Zuko would be able to take it. He promised. He _told_ them all to go. 

Zuko was strong, Zuko was independent, Zuko was capable, Zuko was — _constantly in fear of dying and danger and everyone around him dying, irritable, angry, loving and trusting and always trying to cover that up, slightly unhinged, bonding with Katara over shared abandonment issues that Sokka always avoided like the Pentaplague—_ insistent he would be fine. 

And they believed him— after all, he had gotten a lot better since the war first ended. He didn’t flinch from any of the servants anymore, didn’t push away food anyone other than Team Avatar brought him, didn’t wake up sure that one of them was dead, didn’t need proof they were still alive whenever he woke up alone. Sokka didn’t catch him preparing for an Agni Kai every time a minister disagreed with him, or for a civil war every time there was a protest in the streets, and Sokka no longer felt the need to prepare for another assasination attempt. They were all relaxing, they were all ‘healing’ (as Aang would say), they were all getting better.

But, now they were back, it was impossible to miss how it had weighed on Zuko.

It was supposed to just be Sokka and Toph, with Sokka heading to Ba Sing Se as one of the only people that Kuei trusted to deal with his delegation of _all_ responsibility and Toph finally seeing her family on neutral ground. But then, Katara got called to the South Pole to deal with a glacier-slide and Aang just _had to_ go with her (it was really bad, they actually did need both of them) and Suki couldn’t miss the annual Kyoshi festival. Literally. It was not allowed for the leader of the Kyoshi warriors to not show up. Plus, it was the first year that the Oshikawa Warriors would also be participating and Suki thought that might lead to some...tensions. 

And Zuko was left alone. For two weeks. 

He insisted he was fine, of course. Maybe he believed he was. But it was hard to miss the dark circles under his eyes, his shaking hands, or how, when Sokka had tackled him, he could feel Zuko’s bones starting to dig into his own healthy muscle.

Luckily, they had gotten him to sit down with them all and eat a proper meal. And then some. Gods, who knows when the last time he even sat down to eat was? Knowing him...it was the last time Suki was here, since she was last to leave. 

She would never tell Zuko how much she worried, even though he probably knew. She had been so close to staying that Zuko had basically begged her to leave by the end of it...but Sokka had been on the receiving end of her letters. Sokka knew how much it hurt her to be away from Zuko. It hurt all of them to be away for so long, not to mention all at the same time. And it hurt Suki even more to be the one to leave him _entirely_ alone. Which was the worst considering her trip had been planned the _earliest_. Part of why Suki even decided to leave was because Sokka said he was going back as soon as possible. 

And, of course, with all of their luck, _as soon as possible_ was not very soon at all. 

Due to the king’s distrust after literally being overthrown by his most trusted advisor and deceived for years, the whole thing was a tangled mess already. Then there were delays and political loyalties to contend with and also political disloyalties to contend with and Appa just ended up picking him up off the coast of Omashu. Not that it made the flight any faster. Appa was exhausted after traveling for so long and so was Aang and Katara and honestly everyone was absolutely, entirely, worn out. They missed each other, they missed the safety of being together, they missed not worrying about a funeral announcement every time they opened a letter, they missed their rooms, they missed Zuko. 

Going inch by inch would have been excruciating. They decided to just wait a few days by the coast and then made the flight in one day. (Staying in the Fire Nation without _their_ Fire Lord would be too...disconcerting for any of them). 

So they were here now! Which was good. But, it still didn’t change the fact that Sokka was kind of irritated. Actually, he was mad. Probably at Aang and Katara. Why did they need _two_ master benders for one measly glacier slide? (Okay, again, they actually really did but still…) Maybe Sokka was just mad at the spirits. Maybe Sokka was just mad about the end of the previous night. 

As soon as Zuko finished dinner, he kept half drifting off, then jerking back awake and nodding adamantly at whatever part of the conversation he happened to blink into consciousness during. 

Aang took to saying the most ridiculous things to try to catch him but Zuko just added into those. At one point Aang told a story about the ancient ancestor of the badger-moles and sky-bison being the flying-badger-boy and was capable of air and earth bending and Zuko just mumbled, “I’ll have to add that to the school’s curriculum. So glad to know the nations have so much common history…”

The fact he had such a ready answer makes him wonder how much of that skill was used in his council meetings. 

As soon as Toph finished her final story of bullying yet another former Dai Li agent, they all looked to see Zuko’s reaction. 

But he was _out_. Slumped over, head dangerously close to falling into his food, mouth half-open. It was...adorable. 

None of them were brave enough to disturb him. None of them _wanted_ to. He looked like he hadn’t gotten any rest since they’d left. So, he dozed, still sitting in front of his half-eaten noodles, and Sokka felt no qualms about moving the table back and tucking a pillow behind his head. And then Zuko's hand had twitched and Suki moved against it, into his side and Zuko’s arm automatically reached to curl around her. 

The grin she shot them all assured everyone that she would not let them forget her winning his clear favoritism for _years_. But, Sokka would not be disheartened, and he beat everyone else to Zuko’s other side and soon they all lay piled around the firebender. All finally done missing him. All glad to be back. All parts of their group, together and whole again. 

As soon as Sokka woke up, he was greeted by golden eyes staring into his own and the ~~prince~~ Fire Lord turning pink and stammering out...something. Sokka was not paying attention. Until his girlfriend poked him in the head, and they all got swept up in Aang and Toph playing Momo-in-the-middle with Katara’s breakfast bun. 

Sokka was still so sleepy that he didn’t even protest when Zuko ducked out to “grab some reports”. 

Of course, they all expected that he would then come back… Not “grab some reports” and head off into endless meetings. 

When they all tried to storm his Tuesday morning meeting with his fabric manufacturing head of finance that they all _know_ isn’t that important, his Administrative Assistant, Emiko, who threw the best parties and is the most fun until she’s at her place of work and then is the least fun, backed them all down saying they all had individual appointments for later in the day. Which… Sokka would accept. 

They were all probably just a lot after a few weeks of peace. Zuko always did better in slightly smaller groups, most likely just wanted to catch up on one-on-one after a time he was _actually_ rested. 

It wasn’t like... ~~he had gotten sick of all of them~~. No, Sokka was probably just hungry. If a problem couldn’t be fixed externally, then it could be fixed internally. By throwing food at it. 

Sokka wandered in the direction of the kitchens— until some guard found him for his “meeting.”

He was summoned while trying to fit as many buns as possible into his bag, a napkin, various pockets. He grinned at the irritated guard and the guard, dutifully, ignored the dumplings that were crammed into his mouth. Fire Nation food was _good_. 

And, he was excited. Not nervous at all. Katara told him once that nervous people lose their appetite, so if he was eating, he obviously wasn’t nervous, right? 

Right. 

It was good of Zuko to schedule private time with them all. Plus, Sokka wanted private time. Especially private time with the added benefit of food. For Zuko, getting food in Zuko. Again, nervous people don’t eat; _Zuko_ needed to eat. 

Sokka had been gone. He missed them all being together. But, he also had missed his friend. One of his dearest and closest friends. Toph, Aang, and Katara were all great but...they were kids. Sokka loved them and knew they were all-powerful chaos monster children that could literally fight volcanoes, but he still felt an older-brother instinct to take care of them that he couldn’t shift. 

Impulsive and self-destructive as Zuko could be, Sokka could relax around him. There weren't any expectations. For all that Sokka needed to keep him safe, he didn’t _need_ to keep him safe. If that made any sense. Unlike Katara and Toph and Suki and even Aang, he had acclimated to the constant fear of his friend dying. Because, so far, against all odds, he hadn’t, so...Sokka assumed if they all kept up what they were doing, he wouldn’t. Probably. Hopefully. 

Sokka would go back to eating with him and sleeping in the same bed as him (and Suki, he loved Suki so much) and checking on him every one and a half hours and everyone would be fine. Zuko was smart, he was less likely than the others to get himself killed. (He was one of Sokka’s few friends who didn’t try to fight volcanos.)

As long as Zuko was still kicking, it would be fine. 

He grinned as he walked into the Fire Lord’s Office. 

“Good to see the Escaped Lording. Let go so soon from your Assembly of Ass-kissers?”

“Good to see you as well.” 

Sokka faltered at the formal tone but...Zuko was always strange. Probably just getting used to them all being back. Too accustomed to his only company being stuffy ministers and advisors and...whoever else talked to him, Sokka didn’t know. 

“Please, sit down.” 

Sokka sprawled himself across the given chair, already noting the mud marks from where Toph’s feet had surely ended up across Zuko’s desk. 

“So, what’s up hotstuff? You missing some Water Tribe: Sokka Style?” He threw him a wink as well, just to make it extra ridiculous. 

No reaction.

“I, uh, I was um…” Zuko smoothed his hair back and steepled his hand on the desk, looking Sokka in the eye, “I am very happy with the progress our nations have made together. However, I wanted to ask you your view of the current situation and what else you would want, um, world-wide? What I, uh, what I could do?”

“Oh.” Sokka straightened himself in the chair. “Well...it… we’ve accounted for every warrior that left and everyone that we could get back is back. Which is good but...the Southern Force still is missing a lot of resources. I mean, it’s great to have the reparations and fishing grounds and trading lanes back and the exchanges and all and to have everyone home that could come back but… I don’t know, my Dad says they’ve had some problems with the merchants— not from the Fire Nation, not anyone official, just people who were...ripping them off or...whatever.”

Sokka tried to not seem uncomfortable. Hopefully, he succeeded. 

“We could give them exclusive contracts with some Fire Nation suppliers. We nationalized quite a few industrialist’s properties that existed merely to feed the war, what materials are needed? I remember from the Ba Sing Se Accords that Chief Hakoda has some specific trades with the Earth King over minerals and spices.”

“Well...um…” That was surprisingly easy, to say the least. Very different from the passionate boy he had debated with over repair needs right after the war. The one who wholeheartedly threw himself into what was _right_ and would argue with you over what that was for days. “Wood, mostly. We have...specific types. I can write my dad and ask exactly… That and...some iron goods. There are a few that...we don’t need them but, it would be nice.”

Sokka smiled, gently, smally, in the hopes that it wouldn’t scare Zuko off like whatever else Sokka was doing. 

“That sounds great. We have large tree farms on the Northern Islands. You are more than welcome to their harvests.” Zuko’s eyes stayed down, on his notes, totally avoiding him, which was _worse_. “Tell Chief Hakoda he is free to ask for whatever would best serve the Southern Tribe’s rebuilding, we have plenty of surplus and owe more than we ever could offer.” With that, Zuko looked up again and gave him a kind of smile that he had never seen before. Well, he had, but not towards Sokka. It was light, fully reaching his eyes, but still somehow...so empty. Sokka had only seen him give it at parties. To other people. Nobles, former Ozai supporters, people he didn’t like. Not to him. 

“Zuko, are you—”

“Anyway, what do you— I’m so sorry. I interrupted you. I was just going to ask you if you had any more requests or suggestions on a worldwide scale?” And then, Zuko hit him with that stare, the eyebrows raised, paintbrush poised perfectly for notes pose that Sokka recognized from when that was the cue for Sokka to pull him out of meetings. For when Zuko was getting uncomfortable. For when he needed a break. 

“No, no! No, thank you! I really, um, appreciate, how the Fire Nation and how we can uh,” Sokka smashed his hands together in a way that was supposed to mean ‘unity’ or something, “Thanks Fire Lord!”

And then Zuko stood and _bowed_. Not a full bow but the way he said goodbye to everyone else in the palace. 

Sokka returned it, deeper, as he knew he should. And he fled. 

* * *

“Okay!” Sokka slammed the door behind him, walking into his friends’ common area, _their_ common area, yeah, he said it, the place in _Zuko’s_ fancy palace that belonged to _them_ , “What the fudge was that?”

“I take it that Snuffles had a warm welcome back from the Fire Lord as well,” Toph commented, her feet up but looking miserable as a...miserable person. 

“He—” Sokka threw himself on the cushioned floor and pulled his hand over his face, “He just...asked me about how the Southern Water Tribe was doing. What he could do. And then asked me if I had any other ‘requests’.” 

Katara nodded. “He asked me the same thing. I said we were doing fine! The Accords went great! I mean, most people still aren’t talking to the Northern Tribe, which is fair and they’re still keeping up their rebuilding promises in the Northern Air Temple and Northern Earth Kingdom, but for us, everything is great! Dad loved them, Bato loved them, Gran-Gran is doing _great_ and now has more old people friends! Writes to Iroh weekly! I suggested some cross-cultural exchanges and he jumped right on it. Said he’d research it and send me stuff to review...tomorrow.”

“I kept asking him if he wanted to go tame some fire-ferrets and he just asked me what I thought he could do to help my nation.” Aang grinned. “I said it would help my nation, meaning me, if he would tame some fire-ferrets with me.”

“Did it work?” Suki asked.

“No…” Aang’s smile fell into a full pout. “He just stopped and then said something about needing to attend to the scribes’ abbreviation policies, which I _know_ he updated less than a month ago. The rebuilding of the Air Temples is going _fine_ ; all the nations are sending me updates on their assigned temple _all the time_ , everyone’s offering their documents, we’ve got people copying stuff, we don’t need to go over it all _again_.” 

“I told him the Earth Kingdom needs a hero to look up to,” Toph said, “And _then_ I said it should be me! And we should put up statues in the colonies of me, Crabcakes, and Big Feet taking down the biggest, baddest airship fleet of all time!”

Sokka snickered. “That must have at least gotten a rise out of him?”

“You would think…” Toph put her feet down. “He just agreed. And then talked to me for a while about making monuments to the people lost in the war. Said he would fund anything that I wanted to design and that he’d write to Bear Boy “The Earth King” for his thoughts…”

Sokka managed to half-heartedly move himself to not-laying-down and leaned on her. She immediately wrapped her arm around his and all but shoved her head into his shoulder. 

Yup, this was bad. Big bad. Toph showing feelings and expressing affection without physical violence levels of bad. 

Suki started the recount of how much her meeting sucked. “He...um...I mean, I was so excited. He just approved some big prison reform bill that me, the warriors, and Mai were working on and… I mean, it went well.” She laughed sadly. “It went _really_ well. He just kept agreeing with everything and offering whatever and...I thought I was so on _fire_ today if Zuko couldn’t even find any point to argue with...but he just wasn’t arguing. At all. And then I made some joke...which was...I mean… I just said, ‘well, this is the last thing I need from you’ and he just...I mean, he reacted to that. Not...well.”

They all remembered what Zuko’s not well was like. 

Aang sighed angrily and shot himself into the air. “I can’t believe we _all..._ ughhh! We should have _never_ left him! We should have never left _each other_. We should— We should have— Ugh!” he threw his hands up and started pacing in a circle. With said circle consisting of the floor, the wall, and the ceiling. 

“Do you think…” Katara said, “Do you think he’s _scared_? I mean he just...agreed with everything that all of us said! And he was here by himself. I mean, you all saw him yesterday. He…” 

“Yeah!” Aang exclaimed, falling from his perch on the ceiling, “He must just be scared! It happens! It’s happened to all of us, it’s happened before, we got through it, so it’s just a hiccup and everything will go back to normal soon, just like it did before!” Aang took a breath and drifted back up to the ceiling and started to slowly float down. “He’s not sleeping.”

“Not eating enough,” Toph added.

“He looks like his wounds still haven’t healed. Don’t think I didn’t notice the lightning acting up again, _Suki_ ,” Katara stated. 

“Yup...Sorry, yeah, I can attest to that, they haven’t,” Suki said. 

“Plus he has more,” Toph said. 

“What!?” Suki asked.

“He has more. I could feel ‘em. Not walking right. Heart rate spiked up when you all gave him food, thought he was gonna run out right then.”

“I mean...he did…” Suki stopped herself. 

They all looked at her. 

“Suki,” Katara said, her voice low, “What did he do?”

“I mean, _he_ didn’t do anything, I mean the Dai— you know what, forget I said anything, Toph, what were you saying?” 

“Nope, no getting out of this one,” Toph chirped. “What’s up?”

“Well…” Suki sighed. “I talked to one of the guards, after the whole meeting thing was...weird. While we were gone...there were a few assasination attempts.”

No one said anything. 

Then, all at once, everyone was saying a lot of things. 

Katara was yelling something about effects of isolation and stress and something, Aang was holding his head in his hands and all Sokka caught was “I wish I had hair again just so I could pull it out right now” and Toph had her porcelain cup squashed into a ball in her hands and was arguing with Suki about what exactly happened, while Suki was insisting she didn’t know and Sokka…

Sokka was planning. 

“Hey guys.”

No one listened. 

“Hey guys?”

Everyone kept arguing. Aang somehow got roped into the fight with Toph and Suki and Katara was talking to Momo. 

“Hey guys! Do we want to keep fighting or actually _help_ our resident flame-for-brains?”

That quieted them down. 

“Help him…” Aang said sheepishly. And the rest agreed, nodding (or, in Toph’s case, saying “Yeah, Twinkletoes, shut the fuck up,” and throwing something at Aang, which Sokka would take as agreement.) 

It took a few more minutes (a lot of minutes) but he got them sitting and thinking and agreeing and not thinking of the worst case scenario. They worked for hours until all of them agreed and had back up plans for the back up plans to the back up plans. 

“Alright!” Sokka exclaimed, “Starting Plan ‘Save the Fire Lord from thinking he’s going to be assassinated and accidentally taking himself out along the way’! Let’s go, team!”

They were going to get their Fire Lord back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sleep deprivation, mentions of disordered eating (not eating due to fear over assassinations, stress eating), and paranoia


	3. Attempt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in end notes!

The meetings had gone well. There were no passive-aggressive comments, no aggressive comments, no comments of “well, the best thing you could do for the world is just die” with a happy smile. 

Much better than some of the meetings Zuko had been in with the others gone. 

He had met with a Northern Water Tribe dignitary that had painfully reminded him of his own long-ago interactions with Katara. 

It had been a reasonable day before that. No attempted murder, no duels, no being screamed at by a general whose name he could barely remember who was smart enough to visit when he knew he would be alone (that had been the previous day). The North had sent their next-in-line, someone named Kahn or Hahn or Brahn or...something, and the Assistant to the Chief Healer. 

The next-in-line was an overzealous kid who had quickly warmed up after a few spars with Zuko. Zuko let himself be beat after the third round; the kid thought he was improving, and it would be endearing if the kid hadn’t liked having a knife to his throat a little too much. 

But, that seems to just be a worldwide favorite pastime these days. 

The next, next,  _ next  _ in-line was a mousy, quiet kid with thick, braided hair and a penchant for sneaking into Zuko's libraries. He pretended not to notice, of course. She was the third-in-line for the Northern Water Tribe; she deserved to read whatever she wanted. (And if he left out a few things he thought she would like, or put in the "trash" some things that every developing heir ought to have... no one had to be the wiser.)

She was not to be confused with the next, next in-line— Sokka had repeatedly tried (and consistently failed) to convince Zuko to just call him the second-in-line, but the other way was more fun and helped annoy his cabinet. Said next, next in-line, based off Sokka’s reports and diplomatic jargon, seemed to be the most competent one in-line (as well as a sender of rather entertaining letters), even if the first-in-line, Rahn or whatever his name was, had more claim to it for... some political reason, Zuko doesn't know.

The Assistant to the Chief Healer was a...different matter. Her name was Kallik. She was around her mid-thirties, maybe forties, but her dark hair was still streaked with white lines, which Katara had told him was a blessing many weeks ago. 

He knew he should respect her, if not because of the blessing then because of her expertise, and if not because of that, then because of her high, high position. 

She was quiet. She rarely spoke up in meetings, or meals, or in the turns about the gardens that the next-in-line, Lahn, was surprisingly fond of. When, one day, she asked for a meeting with the Fire Lord, he was ecstatic. 

He hoped that she had come to be at ease in the Fire Nation and now felt safe enough to make whatever suggestions or inquiries were on her mind. He wanted _her_ , ironically enough, to feel safe, no matter what he had to do to ensure that. 

So, when she spoke quietly and asked for a “more  _ private  _ audience, if you don’t mind, Your Majesty?” he thought nothing of dismissing his guards to wait in the hall. 

They talked for a little bit. 

He said, “I’ve been very excited to talk with you and hear your thoughts on how we can create a new, more peaceful world.”

And she laughed. It was a small, delicate sound that she made without even looking at him. “You have a lot to learn, don’t you, young one?”

He was used to elders on his councils saying similar things about his age. “This war is nothing to be forced on any child, but my uncle always says that, um, the tree begins at the first root, or uh, no, that wasn’t it, he said it better, but, basically, that even young people can—.”

In a snap, he felt his throat go dry and he lacked any ability to breathe, talk, or even make a noise. 

She looked at him for the first time. Her eyes were ice cold. The only thing they held was clinical detachment and deep, deep sorrow. 

“I worried you would say something like that.” Her hand gripped his hair. She pulled back, his neck straining to look up at her face. “My son had the same foolishness. He would have been the same age as you.” 

Her hand traced over the back of his head and over the edge of his scar, “He had— would have born a striking resemblance in many other ways as well. I thought—” she broke off in a laugh that bubbled up in her throat as a terrible, grieving thing. He wished he wasn’t familiar with the sound. “I thought that the scar would be enough to deter him. He was  _ brave _ . Just like you think you are. Just like you, he thought he could fix things by just  _ caring enough _ .” Her hand tangled, pulling quick in his hair. “I’ve seen you in those meetings,  _ boy _ . You  _ cannot fix anything _ . You shouldn’t even  _ try _ . So I— I—”

She shuddered and Zuko was suddenly aware of the gleaming, whalebone knife in her hand against his neck. He could see it, out of the corner of his eyes. 

One of Sokka’s knives had the same kind of beaded handle. 

He fought for his ability to breath, to talk, to anything— 

The knife pressed.

And pressed. 

And released.

She exhaled in a short laugh. “All this time I judged you for your...exuberance and stupidity. And I don’t even have the will to do this one thing to make this right— To  _ help—  _ ”

Her voice cracked, and Zuko’s willpower went with it. 

He made his choice. Near-death or not, he couldn’t stomach a woman grieving alone. Even with his lungs screaming at him, he managed to move an arm, two arms, unnoticed by the woman whose body shook, and she stuffed her free hand against her mouth to stifle sobs. 

He— carefully— put one hand on her arm, and then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled his face against her stomach. Here, she could still kill him. Easily. He hoped that would be a comfort as well. 

He felt her hand tighten and a loud inhale and braced himself, knew this was stupid, what a way to go, hugging his assasin in a meeting he had ordered his own guards out of  _ stupid, stupid, stupid, good job, Dum-Dum—  _

The knife clattered to the floor and a lot of things happened at once. The woman collapsed, crying freely, loudly, guards burst into the room, and Zuko was able to breathe again. 

He looked from the concerned guards, to the woman, and silently, waved them off. His chief, Takiko, tilted her head in concern and a clear question, that Zuko often got from her:  _ Are you fucking stupid? _

Maybe. Probably. Obviously. 

Zuko used a rare Official Fire Lord look of “Do Not Question Me Right Now” and they left. Noticeably leaving the door open an inch. 

His almost assassin didn’t notice the whole time. Not when the guards came in. Not when the guards left. Not when Zuko kicked the knife, softly, into a corner of the room. The only acknowledgement he got was her hand grabbing his forearm tight enough to bruise when he crept next to her and tightly put his arms around her.

They stayed there a long time and Zuko’s heart rate stayed achingly fast for the entirety of it. But, it was worth it. Of course. And, as always with those who attacked out of grief, eventually, she calmed. 

“I’m sorry about your son,” Zuko said.

“You look so much like him,” she replied.

He almost ended like him too, time after time. Luck and Agni’s favor, for whatever reason, was really the only reason he was still here, and so many other young people (that he had read report after report on) were not. 

“My cousin. He was...brave. And wonderful. And...cared a lot. He died in the war too.”

She sniffled and said nothing. 

“He was only nineteen. It was his first armed conflict. In the Fire Nation, it was a mark of honor...that most people followed, to go fight on the front lines, no matter your rank, class, but that practice died out in the war. My cousin stuck to it though. His body wasn’t even…” Zuko leveled his breathing out. “His body wasn’t even able to get recovered.”

She released her fierce grip on him and reached for her eyes, so he rested his head on her shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too. A lot of people died. And I truly would like to make it better. For all of us. I understand if you have reservations but—” He let her go. Slowly, carefully, calmly moving and sinking into a bow in front of her. “I would be honored if you would give me the opportunity to try.” 

After that, she, against all odds, actually accepted his attempts. The two talked late into the night and she had many ideas that Zuko immediately looked into implementing. The crown jewel of it was a network to connect grieving parents with orphans of war, across all nations, to help unity and also help ease what had been lost. It would be the first joint program between the Northern Water Tribe and the Fire Nation. 

At their departure, he sheepishly brought her back the knife that had remained in the covered corner of their meeting room. 

Seeing it, she had barked out a laugh, and said, “Only this little one would bring back an attempted assasination weapon. You should keep it!” She gave him a gentle cuff over the ear. “Remember to write, young one.”

He promised he would (and had, and did, and would as long as...circumstances allowed) and bowed to her, even as his guards, along with the rest of the Northern Water Tribe’s party, looked both curious and concerned about whatever that exchange was. 

Zuko still had the knife proudly displayed in his room. 

_ Spirits _ , he laughed to himself, he’ll probably be able to have a whole collection of attempted assassinations weapons before the end of his first year as Fire Lord. 

_ If he makes it that long _

Thinking things were fine were not equal to things being fine. Grieving people, hurt people…do things. 

No, that hadn’t happened. That wasn’t right, no one had done that.The meetings were good. The meetings were fine. 

Well...they were mostly fine. 

They were fine, right? 

He went over them in his mind: 

Katara asked to foster cross-cultural exchange. 

Sokka needed more resources for his tribe, his home. 

Toph suggested more monuments, ways to remember the heroes and atrocities of war. 

Aang goofed off, of course, he was Aang, but that’s how he always was. He probably could just sense Zuko was off. Which was...a bad thing. Fine, it was bad. But, not like,  _ murder  _ bad. Aang wouldn’t do that. 

He wouldn’t. 

None of them would. Well, not without reason. Just had to...not give a reason. Or more reason. Or, reason for them to remember reasons— Off track. Meetings. Yes. Meetings. All the meetings were good. Right? 

Suki’s was fine, even! Suki’s went great. Zuko let her have everything she wanted and…

And when she left...she reached across his desk and said, “That’s all I needed from you,” and briefly squeezed the inside of his wrist, Zuko feeling his heart jump at the contact. 

Her soft skin. Her obvious callouses from fans, knives, and plenty of other weapons. 

The skin contact. Not that he’d had a lot of it. Not since they left, taken away on business, left somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere needed, somewhere they didn’t hate every second of being there, somewhere they weren’t in danger all the time. 

No. No, they just left for business, not...because of any other reason his mind would make up. 

He could feel his own skin crawling now. He was cold. Why was he cold? He was a firebender, for Agni’s sake. 

Taking a deep breath, he let flames warm him on the exhale. And he inhaled again. And exhaled. And inhaled. And exhaled. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale— 

Flames spit out of his mouth and danced around his hands as his breath lapsed into gasping, into panting, the fire shining into bright colors that the dragons taught him, bright like the sun he barely gets to see. His vision whited out at the sparks of light, lingering on after they fade. 

It was dark. When did it get so dark? Now, it seemed to crawl in every corner of the room and Zuko felt field-mice nipping at his ankles, like they did in the grass outside Li’s house, absently kicking at the phantom sensation. 

His breath caught, his hands caught the desk, one of his notes caught fire. Zuko hoped it wasn’t anything important. 

Suki had caught his wrist, her thumb pressing in, right over his pulse and said, “This is the last thing I need from you.” 

She said the  _ last  _ thing. 

The last thing. 

The last thing. 

Zuko passed his hand into the note, crumpled the paper in his hand and felt it turn into ash. He should wash his hands. 

The idea of water made his skin crawl. He could already feel it dripping down his spine, sneaking into the gaps in his collar and down his ribs. 

He could feel it sinking into the scar in his chest, pressing in, going through his blood. 

He could feel it, stopping the air in his lungs again. 

Suki wrapped her hand around his wrist and...stopped. And held it. That’s it. 

_ —The New Ozai member from last week, Zuko wrenching his hand away just before it went up in flames, the edge of his sleeve catching fire—  _

It was...soft. And nice. And felt good. Why did it feel good? What was wrong with him?

_ —The same chains, from Zhao, cold metal cutting into his wrists—  _

He could still see it, the fingers curled there, the marks left, but she was gone, she left, there was nothing there, why did it feel like her hand was still there— 

_ — a woman whose name he hadn’t even caught, the same dark blue eyes he used to trust, grabbing his arm and yanking it hard enough he felt the joint pop out—  _

Suki grabbed him. She  _ grabbed  _ him. It was bruising, would it bruise, everyone wanted to kill him, everyone  _ always  _ wanted to kill him, Zuko needed to know if he had to wear longer sleeves tomorrow. It was fine. He was fine. He understood if he messed up, there would be consequences; he understood that if he was getting hurt, there was a reason for it, and he trusted Suki's reasoning, he just— needed to know if he needed longer sleeves tomorrow. He just would prefer if the bruises were somewhere his ministers wouldn't sneer at.

He could still feel it— He— 

He noticed he was grabbing his wrist, pressing and rubbing and vaguely realized it hurt. And he could see the blue that was left behind. 

That’s an affirmative on the longer sleeves. 

She had smiled. And said, “That’s the last thing I’ll ever need from you.” 

Then she laughed. That means it was a joke, right? She laughed and it was a joke and her eyes turned gold, just for a second, Zuko could have sworn— 

The only reason that people got the chance to go after him was because Zuko was temporarily taken out of the safety of being around the others. The protection of the Avatar, the Kyoshi Warriors, the Southern Water Tribe and Toph (which was enough of a title in itself). 

Now, they were all here. While it was unlikely the same amount of attempts would continue, there was also the fact that if the group decided to do something about him, there was little anyone could or would do to stop it. The Avatar’s group had already disposed of two Fire Lords. What would be another? 

_ No, stop, stop—  _

He’s not doing this. 

If his friends were here, he should be happy. He should be grateful for this opportunity. And do as much as he could (while he still had the chance). 

Even if— If things went...differently then he expected a little bit ago, he was grateful for the time he had with them. He was grateful for what he still had. 

That final thought was the only thing on his mind as he resolved himself to another sleepless night, researching exchanges, writing plans for new monuments, and trying to remember Suki’s eyes as the same green they used to be.

* * *

He woke up grabbing a hand and twisting it in his grip, pressing it against the wood of his desk.

“Huh. Seems like an old dog does have some new tricks then,” Suki joked. Or grinned. Or sneered. 

Zuko gave her a dry laugh, as a trade. 

“I know what you’re trying to do,” he said.

“Really?” She whispered, her teeth glinting in the dim light. “Then why won’t you go ahead and let me do it?” 

“I would never go without—”

She laughed. “Of course you wouldn’t make this easy. ”

Zuko noticed her hand was still caught in his and changed the hold to one that wouldn’t feel like he was about to break her wrist.

_ He was grateful for what he still had.  _

He held onto her hand, noting the callouses, the soft skin, the nails she bites at, and tried to put everything he meant into it. 

“Suki. I’m trying.” 

She stopped smiling. Hopefully, that was good. 

“I’m…I’m happy! That you are. Trying.” She smiled again, this one, more like a grimace, more like the face she makes when Katara mentions her mom, or Sokka doesn’t mention his mom, or really whenever any subject of a mom comes up. 

Zuko nodded. And Suki nodded back. 

“Glad to know we’re on the same page.” Zuko forced his heart to calm in his chest and tried to remember how to smile at a friend. “What do you want, Suki?” That probably wasn’t right. Fuck. 

“Zuko I…” The mirth dried on her face. “I just want you to...I mean, you know...to...” Suki floundered, her nose scrunched up the way it always does when she thinks too hard about something. 

She took a breath and then Zuko’s luck paid off for the first time in...well, ever probably. 

“Fire Lord Zuko, um— we thought you had withdrawn for the night?” one of his guards asked, as the rest of them rushed in. 

Apparently, there was one good thing to come out of the recent uptick in people wanting him dead

“My apologies, I had. Lady Suki was just leaving.” Zuko squeezed her hand and let go. “Right?”

Suki looked down at her hand and back up at him. “Of course. Fire Lord.” She gave a small bow. 

And she left. If she was trying to kill him, that had to be Attempt 1. 

* * *

Attempt 1 was a massive fail, Suki thought as she got thrown out of Zuko’s office. 

And she made this known to the rest of the group. Accidentally. Since she woke them up returning after they hadn’t realized she had left. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” she hissed, throwing her fans (taken out of habit  ~~ and fear that there would be another fight in these hallways that she...fought too many people in ~~ ) against the wall. (In hindsight, she should have taken a different approach if she wanted to not wake them). 

“Suki?” Katara asked. 

“Suki!” Sokka shouted. 

“Suki. Shut up.” Toph...toph-ed. 

“Wait…” Aang said. “Suki, what’s going on?”

“I went to Zuko’s office.” That properly woke them all up. “I know we said tomorrow but I just… couldn’t sleep and kept thinking about him and… he woke up. Which, I’m  _ quiet  _ so…” She made one of Sokka’s gestures. Oh gods. That’s how she knew it was bad. “And then he just… he got the guards to escort me out.”

“Shit.” Toph said. 

“Shit.” Katara said.

“Shoot. That sucks.” Sokka said and glared at both of them...trying to shame their bad language which, as always, did not work. 

Suki smiled, and tried to hold on to...some amount of hope. “I’ll get the chalkboard out again.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: Paranoia, sleep deprivation, assassination attempt in chapter, violence, knives (no blood), choking, mentions of death, hallucinations, and description of a panic attack.


	4. Attempt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, little update. Due to the American elections tomorrow, I will not be posting. Chapters will resume their normal schedule on Wednesday. I want some time to myself to not have to think about deadlines or anything, or have to be on the computer, and also want you all to read happy, positive things tomorrow (since we are not at the happy part of this...yet). Thank you all for understanding and I wish you all the best.  
> TW in end notes!

Sokka loved his chalkboard. And his friends. And his girlfriend. But, mostly his lovely chalkboard. 

“Okay!” Suki rubbed her hands together, standing in front of said chalkboard and obviously feeling a lot better after a nap, a meal, and a break to destroy a practice dummy. “Take Two. The most pressing thing would be Zuko’s lack of sleep. That always sets him off.”

“Yeah,” Aang said. “I know when I didn’t get sleep I had the  _ craziest  _ dreams. It was awful. I mean, there was Momo with a sword and Appa with a sword and then Momo and Appa were fighting which was bad because they never fight so something must have been really wrong OW—” Aang rubbed at his arm where Toph had punched him. 

“I mean… it looks bad…” Katara said. “ I mean, depending on how long it’s been, it’s really, really not good for you.” 

“How bad?” Sokka asked.

Katara sucked in a breath. “Bad.” 

Sokka decided not to press it. 

“Okay! Alright then, all we have to do is figure out why he’s not sleeping? Right? Then we can fix that!” Sokka said. 

“Well…” Toph mused. “Let’s see, Mr. Smartypants. It could be the getting his face burnt off, getting the front of his chest burnt off, his uncle getting  _ his  _ shoulder burnt off, or any thing else from the wealth of nightmare material he has, the unfair amount of work he has to do since he’s, you know, running a country, the constant fear of that pissy general from last week coming back to make good on his promise of a coup: take your pick.”

“Wait— A coup?” Katara asked.

“Eh, probably not; from what I’ve heard the guy isn’t much to worry about.” 

Sokka took a deep breath and accidentally broke a piece of chalk. By crushing it in his hand. 

“Oh. Good to know. How, exactly, did you come to find this out, if you don’t mind sharing with the rest of the class?” Sokka said, in a way he hoped was calm.

“Well, there were. I mean, you can’t ask him about those things but I’ve got one of the guards under my thumb pretty good, and she keeps me in the know-how.” 

“So…”

“So, he’s lived a hard life. And is currently living a hard life. So it makes sense. Why he’s like this,” Toph said. 

Sokka knew that none of them wanted to say it. Even though it was obvious. Obvious that— 

“We never should have left,” Aang whispered, more to himself than anyone else. 

No one even responded. 

What would anyone say?

Yes? They shouldn't have? No? They had to? 

No? Zuko said he’d be fine. Zuko  _ promised _ . 

They were just kids. There shouldn’t be so many choices, especially when every option was bad. They were supposed to be past these things and it wasn’t  _ fair _ .

Not that Sokka thought he was privileged enough to care about fair. If fair mattered, they would have been saved from a lot of hurt. Sokka and Katara would still be kids in the South Pole with an intact family. Suki would have known her parents. Toph would have been supported, wouldn’t have had to sneak out just to be herself. 

Gods, Aang would still have his people.

He would still have his original family. 

But, life wasn’t fair and Sokka wasn’t going to dwell on it. No sir, not him. Not at all. 

Plan, they needed a plan, they needed a— 

“What if  _ we  _ guard him!?” he blurted out. 

_ Gods, that’s a good idea, Sokka _ . 

“Sokka, none of us are trained in...guarding,” Katara said.

“Hmm...well, if only we knew an elite force that recently got time on their hands...from a war ending... that were conveniently in the Fire Nation,” Sokka said. 

Katara frowned and put on her thinking face. 

“And if only they weren’t Fire Nation so they didn’t have conflicting loyalties for Zuko to worry about.”

Aang scratched his head. 

“And if only they had an incredible, intelligent and wonderful leader that I personally lo—”

“Oh shit, that’s a great idea, Sokka!” Suki yelled, tackling him.

“Okay, that’s great guys, but the rest of us still...don’t know what’s happening,” Aang said.

They looked at each other, grinning, and said, “We’ll get the Kyoshi Warriors to guard Zuko!” 

* * *

Attempt 2 came soon after. Ha. Maybe Suki was slipping. Maybe Suki really wanted him gone. Maybe Suki really wanted him...something. 

Which didn’t make  _ sense _ because hadn’t he tried? Hadn’t he asked them what could be better? Hadn’t he  _ tried _ to fix...whatever was wrong with him?

And she seemed open to the consideration. 

Maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe that was…not..you know...

But then, what did she  _ want _ ?!

Zuko had just gotten back to his rooms, had been there for less than a few minutes before he heard a hushed conversation outside. 

Never a good sign but better than the sound of bodies hitting the floor. 

Zuko crept to the door, inched it up ever so slightly and…

White paint. Red eyes. Razor sharp fans. 

The Kyoshi Warriors. 

The breath caught in his chest; no, didn’t catch, it  _ stopped _ . It wasn’t  _ working _ . 

Another attempt was nothing, knowing he was  _ sure  _ now, that he wasn’t crazy, that he was  _ right  _ was nothing. Another attempt was nothing. He had survived six in the past two and a half weeks and was fine. 

It was just another attempt. Proof that the former wasn’t imagined. 

One from someone he trusted, someone he cared about, someone he thought wouldn’t do this, someone he—

But...maybe this wasn’t...that. The bad thing. Maybe Suki was trying to help. 

Maybe she noticed how long it took his guards to come in last night and thought to replace them with a slightly faster force. Maybe she wanted to have someone whose loyalties he wouldn’t question, someone whose history he didn’t look through for fear of  _ any  _ connection to the New Ozai Society, which was a whole  _ fucking  _ society at this point. 

Maybe he could just lie in his bed and see what happens. 

No, no, he couldn’t do that. He had a duty to his people. He had a duty to his uncle. He couldn’t think that. He couldn’t risk that. This could be another attempt. 

Zuko had hoped, had spent the whole day convincing himself he was just...scared. He was sleep-deprived. He was stupid. He was making things up. 

But now he dreaded the possibility of an answer. Dreaded the possibility of being proven right. Or, being proven wrong. And he was just crazy. And thinking the worst, horrible, unfounded things about his friends. 

And Zuko needed to escape before either of them could have something to show for it. 

Quickly, he rumpled his blankets, stuffing the pillows haphazardly under in a vague shape of a Fire Lord (it would be good to have the stab marks in the sheets for proof, later, if he could just have proof) and found that small notch next to the mirror and— 

The mirror swung open, silently, and Zuko slipped into the tunnel behind it. 

Still, something inside him asked him to wait. 

So he did. 

He shut the mirror behind him with a  _ click  _ that he couldn’t hear, not that anyone else would be able to, not the warriors outside. 

The mirror was a relic. Reflective on one side and one side only. 

For Zuko, it was a window into the room. 

He watched. 

He sunk to the floor, not even bothering to cross his legs and let them gather under him. 

Suki came in nine and half minutes later. 

With Katara. 

Zuko’s heart ran again, his lungs not working again— 

_ Katara _

Katara’s eyes, narrowed, glaring at him as he held her necklace, Katara cooking over a fire he started, Katara reaching inside people and making them do whatever she wants, Katara’s hand’s glowing blue and healing— Katara’s hands making ice knife-sharp in seconds, a black mask covering her mouth, Katara’s elbow in his ribs at the Western Air Temple, 

Katara smiling at him. Katara elbowing him again at some dumb joke he had made, a habit she seemed to have picked up from Toph and her elbowing him  _ again  _ when he pointed it out. 

Katara’s laugh, loud and always filling whatever room they were in, her gasping for air at something, cackling at something Aang said, the sweet way she looked at him. He had asked her once how she knew when she was in love, and she just laughed and said, “You’ll know.” 

Then she had added on, “Well, sorry, that was assuming you’d have brain cells. You won’t know, I’m sure I’ll pick up on it and tell you.” 

She hadn’t ever mentioned it again, but he had seen her looks, her narrowed eyes, her not-subtle-at-all nudges towards  _ certain  _ members of their little group. 

But, maybe this all washed it out. Maybe it was just her glares again, her icy hands on him, water and snow and nothing else. 

He had seen her mad. He had seen her wanting vengeance. He had seen her furious. And, through it all, he had rarely seen her in the wrong. 

It makes sense. 

Katara turned to the mirror. Zuko stood. 

She lifted one hand and gently, started to reach forward.

Zuko froze. Zuko hoped, just for a second. 

Then, absentmindedly, she brushed a piece of hair out of her face and turned back to Suki. 

Zuko turned and ran. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for violence, paranoia, sleep deprivation, hallucinations, descriptions of panic attacks and anxiety.


	5. Attempt 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all have been keeping safe and doing some stuff to take care of yourselves in this time. Yesterday, I ate some good shrimp and made sure to spend some times talking to my friends and taking a break from the news :D. Anyway, we are back to our normal posting schedule. Thank you all for your kind comments, I am so happy to see how people are responding to this! All the love!
> 
> TW in end notes!

The third attempt wasn’t an attempt as much as a...threat? It had to be a threat. Threats were good. Threats were understandable. If this was a threat, then he knew what that meant. They weren't actually trying to murder him in his bed, they weren't actually trying to kill him, alone, at his desk. Just..some friendly almost-murder. Zuko was used to that. He shouldn’t be so against it. 

If it was a threat, they still wanted him. If he got hurt, then they still believed in him. If he was getting corrected, through threats, through isolation, through whatever else they would add, that was _fine_. That was improvement. 

That was the same way that his teachers had burnt his palms when he got something wrong, the same way Azula would push him in the pond when he messed up the rules of their games, the same way Uncle would give him that disappointed look— it was just different ways of learning. 

If they weren't threats... Then, he just wasn’t sure what to change now. Because that wouldn't change anything. He had worked harder, he had asked them what they wanted, he had left them alone, he didn’t know what was left to do. Other than just letting them do whatever they wanted to do. Even if he didn’t want that. Not _that_. Not right now. Not when he just needed a little more time to either convince them or be better or...make his peace with it. 

With...what he knew. Now. What the sleepless nights, the work, the _analysis_ that they had taught him showed. He had gone over it. He had spent so much time going over it. All their interactions, all their touches, all their letters, all their questions, all the time in their absence. 

Zuko was sure they were trying to kill him. He hadn’t slept in three days and was sure his friends were trying to kill him. And he felt kind of bad about not letting them. 

Zuko wondered if they were mad about the other attempts not working. 

Zuko wondered if they were mad about him not coming with any of them. He could have just gone with them, gone to Ba Sing Se, or the South Pole and everything would be fine now and he would still be here in a month to go exploring in the Lower Islands, or wherever they wanted, and watch his friends make fun of Sokka when he inevitably gets them all lost, get to watch Suki crack open a pomegranate and Aang and Toph fight her for the seeds. He would still get to have fun. With the people he cared about.

It probably would have been good if he had been supervised...probably. Maybe they were mad about that. Maybe they were mad about having to come back for him. Maybe they were mad he didn’t greet them soon enough. Or mad that he did and bothered them so soon after finally coming back to stomach his— lacking in everything. Maybe they were mad he didn’t know they would _obviously_ want space. It’d be fair if they were mad that he took them up on their offer to eat with them and didn’t turn it down like a good friend would. Maybe they were mad that he had the audacity to fall asleep so they all had to deal with a full night of tolerating him.

There were so many options. 

Zuko wondered what they were mad about.

Zuko wondered when they would actually start _acting_ mad. Obviously, they were mad, right? They were around him, they must be— He wished they would be more straightforward about it, like that one general who had written again, hoping for another visit whenever he “wouldn’t disturb his time with his friends”...which probably wouldn’t happen because Zuko would probably be ash by then. It might be worth it to not deal with the guy again. Or, they could act like the rich merchant’s son when they visited Bumi in Omashu, who was all sly smiles and grins and backhanded insults that...guilty as they made Zuko, also only made Zuko like him more. The third day when they ran into him again and Zuko got a genuine compliment...of course he went with him when he invited Zuko to look at a special shipment. And ended up pressed to a wall with a knife in his side. 

The merchant’s son’s family made a lot of money from the war. Zuko understood why they would want to start another one. 

That’s why, when Katara found him, he told her he didn’t see the person’s face. Let her heal him. The scar on his side always felt cold to him, the memory making him shiver now. 

Why couldn’t Suki (and the rest, whenever they got convinced) act like any of those people? Something...he understood. 

Instead, they were all relaxed and cheerful. Zuko hearing Suki and Katara’s laughter clear from the hallway as he walked to the gardens. 

He stopped. And then took a step back. And then stopped. And then took a step forward again. 

It might be good to see them. It was day time. The guards were around. It was...low-risk. They were his friends and he missed them. 

A quick walk-through would be good. It’d be fine. It’d be great. And, if things were awkward, he could just claim he was on the way to a meeting and escape and not look too cowardly doing it. 

Zuko steeled himself. And walked into the courtyard. 

And was promptly announced by way of two turtle-ducks loudly squawking at him. 

“Zuko!” Suki yelled as she saw him. 

“Hi Zuko!” Katara grinned, probably laughing at Zuko trying to sneak the turtle-ducks some bread without the rest of the flock mobbing him. 

“He— Hey guys. What are you, um, getting up to?” Zuko stuttered out. Suki and Katara had found their way into lounging about the Imperial Garden with...some kind of pictures? Scrolls?

“We’re going through the lists of your Imperial Guards!” Katara said brightly. She pulled him over to look at their findings. “See! This one had a bad brush with the Northern Water Tribe forces a while back. Might still have some reservations.” She grinned, pounding a fist into her hand. “We were thinking we’d go see how his memory is.”

“What Katara is _trying_ to say,” Suki interrupted, “is we thought we would look over your palace staff. See where loyalties lie. You know?”

“Yeah— Yeah, of course.” _Of course_. Seeing who would side with them and who wouldn’t. Smart. Very smart. It had to be...it wasn’t concern. It couldn’t be concern. Concern wouldn’t...make sense. Would it? No. Yes. Maybe. No. Fuck. His head hurt, his side hurt, he couldn’t tell what was scar or fresh injury, he had to move on. Zuko figured Suki had probably already reviewed them but now this was, what? A public show? 

“How did— How did you get all those?” Zuko asked. 

“Oh, Sokka got one of the palace scribes to give them to us,” Katara shrugged. 

_Sokka_.

_Dark blue eyes, grinning—_ Stop it, Zuko

_Swords, frowning and turning away, an exchange, a jump over a boiling lake, a hand grabbing him, fire, a sword, another almost-death—_ Stop

_A burnt arm and another headache, an injured leg and a permanent limp, his fault, his—_ Stop, stop it— 

“Though,” Suki added, and Zuko forced himself to smile and nod like he wasn’t rewriting their whole relationship in his head, “He seemed very hesitant about it. Something about...honor in records-keeping or something like that.” 

_Sokka._

_Trustworthy. His soft smile, the sun behind him—_ for a Water Tribe warrior, Agni was always so fond of him. Every day he wanted to go outside and make a plan, it was always bright. Even when it rained, the sun was always out. Zuko remembered the first time Sokka had leaned on him. His leg was acting up, the cast was off but it still didn’t...work quite right. 

_“Is it...bothering you?” Zuko asked._

_“What? No! Not at all! Something, bothering_ me _? Never. You must be thinking of Katara, I know we look alike, but hey, I got warrior genes. Can’t just heal everything, sometimes a little pain will put— Fuck.” And with that, Sokka, trying to prove a point by walking faster, fell._

_Well, almost._

_Zuko caught him._

_Said, “Hey buddy, easy going there. Maybe a little too much to drink tonight?”_

_None of them drank. Almost at all. Maybe a glass, which was served at the night’s meal, but it gave Sokka what he needed. An excuse. An out. A reason to not...be weak._

_“You don’t know that!”_

_Zuko had bumped his hip against Sokka’s, took his weight off the bad side, let Sokka put an arm around him and they acted like stupid boys coming back from a night of partying._

_It was fun. It was good. It was...a reason Sokka could trust him. A reason Sokka could throw an arm around his shoulder and act like they were being stupid kids. Nothing more than that. Zuko doesn’t mind pretending, if it means Sokka feels safe enough to do this. And he doesn’t mind taking what weight Sokka would trust him with._

Maybe Sokka wasn’t on the “Get Rid of Bad Fire Lord 5.0” project action committee. Maybe this was Suki’s way of showing who was still open to...being on the “Don’t get Rid of Bad Fire Lord 5.0” committee. Katara wouldn’t be, obviously, he never would have won her over in their first place because he owed her enough of her life. 

The lightning damage made itself known, his heart thumping off-beat and clumsy in his chest, acting up again, and he absently rubbed at it. He’d ask her to look at it but— Actually, he probably shouldn’t

Sokka was a neutral, though. For now. A spare tile that someone would have to claim before it got swept off the board.

This must be some game. Zuko hated games. Hated...playing with people just for fun. Hurting people just for entertainment. That was...unacceptable. That was something Suki would never do. Suki was good, honorable, right, and _good_ and...wasn’t like this when he met her. If she was like this now, then wasn’t _he_ the common factor in this?

Azula liked games too. Seeing who she could get control over. Who she couldn’t. Spent so much time trying to win Mai and Ty Lee that she never even realized they were off the table. Never realized where the pieces ended up. 

Though, if Zuko could get their sympathy now… Well… Mai would…

_Mai!_

He could write to her. She’d be on his side. Surely. She had already protected him, risked her life to make up for his disaster-decision making at Boiling Rock, surely she was someone he could trust? Right? Right. Although, he did screw her over and…

She had Ty Lee. 

Ty Lee had to be Suki’s. 

Right?

Well, Ty Lee had played the game long enough, no one knew where her head was at. 

(Mai would.)

Fuck, Zuko should haveve realized this was going on sooner. He had been feeling safe for too long and now he was so far behind. 

Zuko resolved to write to Mai. Definitely. For sure. If nothing else, he needed to know if Suki had gotten to Ty Lee and if Ty Lee had gotten to her. 

If he had to go up against Mai… Well...he wouldn’t. 

He couldn’t. 

But, this probably wasn’t about Mai. Suki hadn’t even mentioned her. Ha! Underestimating the enemy! Probably doesn’t even remember her at this point! Probably calls her “scary knife girl: and writes her off, even though Zuko knows from Mai’s own stories that Mai had bested her more than a few times. And yes, they submitted a proposal together, yes, they hung out before Mai went back to Kyoshi, but that...wasn’t relevant. 

This was about Sokka. 

Sokka. 

Sokka. Sokka. Sokka. 

The plan guy. The brain. The smart one. The one even Azula was afraid of. If Zuko could get him… Maybe, maybe, Sokka could convince them all? Convince them all that Zuko didn't have to…

Well, it wasn’t at that point yet. 

Was it? 

No, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t fight or die yet. It couldn't be. These were his friends. These were his friends. These _were_ his friends. 

Now, they were...who knows what. They were sifting through the people meant to protect him and judging who would actually do that. Who would let him die. 

And Zuko didn’t want to have to ask himself the same question. He didn’t want to have to think that about his friends and ask himself what led them to this, not when he was afraid he knew the answer. He wanted to be able to eat dumplings again, wanted to be able leave the palace grounds, wanted to be able to pick Fire Lilies with people he cared about and get made fun of for getting an allergy attack by the same people. 

He didn’t want to ask himself why they were doing this. If they were tricking his own staff into betraying him, giving over confidential information into foreign hands, or...if they were trying to protect him. If he was forcing them to be responsible for something they shouldn’t have to worry about. 

He didn’t want to see them having fun and pulling him back into what he knows they know he wants. Not when he knows he's not going to get it.

He didn’t want to to _know_ they were tricking him, making him feel safe and then rubbing his nose in it, like a bad polarbear-puppy. 

He didn’t want to think the people he trusted most were humiliating him. He didn’t want to worry that they had already given up on him. 

And, even if it was true, he would do anything to avoid thinking about that. 

Instead, he had a to-do list, an action item, a mission. 

He had to win over Sokka. 

Sokka, in no man’s land. 

Aang - unknown. Loyal to Katara, but also heartbreakingly “peaceful” and ‘optimistic’ and all that stuff that would get a less powerful person killed. Also, scary powerful. Not the murder type though. At least, Aang didn’t murder his father, and he wasn’t worse than _him_ , that much Zuko was sure of. If he was, Zuko would have already “taken care of himself” on his own. 

Toph - unknown. Wildcard. Hard to pin down but also would probably do something just for the chaos of it all. Loyal. Probably. To who? Only Toph knows. 

Katara - enemy. Usually in the right though. Another thing not to think about.

Suki - enemy, somehow pushed by Zuko’s massive failures into acting like everyone she hated just a few months ago. 

If he could get Sokka, he could get to the rest of them. It wouldn’t matter if he was crazy or making all this up, because he’d be right either way and have all the just-in-cases covered and it would be fixed. He wouldn’t have to...you know. He just had to convince Sokka. Then, he could get the rest. Easy. Right? Right. Yes. Yeah. This is a good idea. 

He just had to...get someone to like him. 

Well, not _really_ like him. Just, get to the point where said person doesn’t want him to die. Or suffer. 

That couldn’t be that hard, right? Lots of people seem to do it. All the time. 

Well, lots of people who weren’t Zuko. 

Zuko had...a few people that didn’t want to kill him. 

Not his dad. Obviously. His mom was...out of the picture. His sister...didn’t? Well, she did sometimes. And had tried. Multiple times. Not a great example. She was getting better. 

He had his uncle… 

And his friends. Who he couldn't count on. Who he had no idea if they wanted him dead but it was a real enough possibility that...you know. 

He had tried to make friends before. Which had ended in said former friend (and..whatever else that relationship was) literally trying to kill him in a public sword fight. Not that he wanted to be friends with the weird wanna-be vigilante. Well, not that he wanted to _not_ be friends with him. Not that— It doesn’t even matter anymore, Zuko got him arrested and he ended up dead, no reason to keep thinking about it. 

The kid, Li, probably would have tried to kill him if he wasn’t a literal child. 

Song and Jin probably don’t want him dead. 

Well, actually, Jin probably didn’t...anything. Who knew if she even knows who he is at this point? She probably _would_ want him dead if she knew more...stuff about him so— another bad example. 

Song would probably want him dead if she wasn’t such a good person. Whom he had betrayed. And kind of deserved her to want him dead. I mean, if anyone had a right to try it, she certainly did. She was nice to him and...he was not nice back. She trusted him. She showed him her scar. She was the first person to talk to him about his like...he was a person in years. And he turned around and hurt her. That was unforgivable. If anyone had a right to want him dead, she certainly did.

One person. Who didn’t want him dead. For sure. 

That’s probably bad. 

Still, maybe, _maybe_ , he could make it two people. 

And that would have to be enough to keep him going. 

He found Sokka in the training yard. For a second, Zuko was stopped, watching him throw his favorite weapon, letting it fly, his head following its arc, and then the thing landing smoothly back in his hand. And Sokka threw it, again. And Zuko watched him, how his spine loosened, how something relaxed that was always tense. How he wasn’t guarded here. Sokka caught it again. 

“Hi,” Zuko said.

“Tui and La, _spirits_ , Zuko, you can’t sneak up on a man like that!” he shouted, clutching at his chest. 

“Sorry.” _Shit_. 

“Nah, nah, you’re good, man. Just startled me. You know. I was...in the zone. Man.”

“Right.”

“Yeah.”

Zuko realized he should probably stop staring at him. 

He looked at the sky. Back at Sokka. Nope, stop that, back at the sky. 

“You’re uh… you’re good at that.”

“The…”

“The, uh, triangle. Thing... I always forget what it’s called.”

Sokka chuckled, and Zuko’s cheeks flushed. Probably said another thing wrong. 

“It’s a boomerang. Think of it like Aang, but like, making people go boom. Like, Sparky Sparky Boom Boom Man. Boom. Boomer-Aang.”

“Oh. Well, you’re good at...the Boomer-Aang.” 

“Thanks! Could nab a Fire Nation baddie from 100 feet away with this baby.” 

Zuko’s heart spasmed and he begged himself to not forget how to breathe. Not in front of Sokka. 

_Was that a threat?_

No, relax, act like a normal person for two seconds. 

“Not that I would!” Sokka exclaimed. “No, no sir, we are a strictly...peaceful boomerang-slash-warrior duo now. Just for training… And meat… Oh, gods, love me some meat. I haven’t gone hunting here at all, have you? How is it? Is it good?”

“I—” Zuko starts to say.

“Well, actually, I’m sure you haven’t, yeah, of course, what am I saying. You’re the Fire Lord. Why would the Fire Lord go spend his time chasing down hippo-sloths and stuff? You’re probably busy doing the...papers and things.”

“Sokka, I know you know what the papers are so I’m not sure who you’re trying to fool.”

“Uh...I don’t know what you’re talking about. Me? Knowing things?” Sokka gives a trademark half-laugh, a special Sokka sound of stress. “Couldn’t be...I don’t know who you’re thinking of, hotstuff.”

Zuko’s face flushed again at the pet name. Something warm started in his chest for a second and then...Suki called him hotstuff. Suki was always the one to call him hotstuff. Sokka would call him jerk-bender or Sunshine or Wannabe-Water Tribe (because, as Sokka would say, who wouldn’t wanna be Water Tribe! Especially a hot-head like you, get it? Get it? Because we’re so cool? Right, Zuko?). He could have sworn Sokka didn’t call him hotstuff. When did Sokka start calling him that?

“Haha.” Zuko laughed. As wholeheartedly as he could. 

Sokka deflated. “Yeah, haha. Ha. Ha. The two of us. So funny. Having fun. Just two dudes...having...a fun time.”

Sokka turned a little red and turned, sharply, and headed to a bench on the side of the training area, and sat. After a moment, he tapped the seat beside him and raised his eyebrows at Zuko. Blushing, Zuko joined him. 

Sokka scooted over and automatically pushed his knee against Zuko’s, met him, shoulder to shoulder. 

_It would be fine. This was fine. Sokka was…_

Well, the guards were just around the corner anyway. 

Sokka picked at the blade of his triangle. Zuko hoped he wouldn’t cut himself. Suddenly, sharply, in stressed-Sokka style, he announced, “We’re worried. I’m worried.” 

“The war is over, we’re all—”

Sokka snorted, “Of course you— I’m not worried about that!” 

_Shit, he was mad_.

“Yes, I— of course, I didn’t meant to question you or The Av— Aang’s ability—”

“No, no,” Sokka interrupted. All this work and Zuko still couldn’t make this _right_ . “I’m worried about _you_.” 

“Oh.”

“I mean...you...you look terrible, man.”

“Thanks.” Zuko smiled. Well, he tried at least. Two Dudes. Having a fun time? 

“No, I didn’t— You look...how you always look. Which is good! Which, I mean, you have mirrors, you know.” Zuko blinked and resisted the urge to touch his scar. Of course he knew, he saw it every day. “But, I mean, you just… Haven’t been taking care of yourself. How can you take care of a country if you can’t take care of yourself? I mean, how can you…”

Sokka trailed off. That’s not good. 

“Go ahead, Sokka.” Zuko could take it, Zuko would be fine. 

Sokka turned to him. “Alright, let me say something that maybe you’ll actually understand. Since clearly caring about yourself isn’t gonna cut it. How can you take care of _us_? If you…”

Bad, bad, bad very bad. 

Zuko had expected them to question his motives, his ability to...be a good person. His ability to control himself, his ability to be compassionate and kind, his ability to...not follow his family's footsteps. If he could make up for all the wrongs he’s done and all the wrongs he hadn’t done but was still responsible for, if he deserved to rule the country and have these wonderful and amazing and _good_ people in his life, if he even deserved to keep living and being around others and not be exiled again. His ability to be enough. For them. For anything. For anyone. He was used to that being questioned. He...he knew the answer was doubtful. 

He just hadn’t expected them to even question if he could keep _them_ safe. 

Of course he could, he would, he wouldn’t ever want— 

He had had nightmares like this before, of course he had. The assassin getting Sokka instead of him. Aang eating poison meant for him. Toph kidnapped as a way to get at him. Wanna-be killers taking Katara to get him into a trap. He had seen all of them in his nighttime-nightmares, dead and dying, and then awful, terrible, waking nightmares of them covered in blood, hurt and injured and it all being _his_ fault. And he told himself it was absurd. They were the most powerful benders and non-benders in the world. They had proved it time after time. And they all had each other to keep themselves, their families, safe. 

If they didn’t have that, then...

“Sokka…” Zuko had to ask, “What are you worried about?” 

_Does he know?_

Then, the worst thought seeped into his mind. The thing that would keep them avoiding him, the best reason they would have to take him out, the thing that could have changed while they were gone, the thing he would totally agree with. 

Were they worried about _him?_

Was _he_ the danger they were afraid of? 

“There’s just—” Sokka pulled his hair tie out, the hair falling around his face, and pressed his fingers into his temples. “You know what this _all_ is like. Being _us_ . I mean, you have no idea how to trust. I mean, not _you_ , but...you as in...us. All of us. You spend all your time either being afraid of dying or everyone you care about dying you kind of forget how to...I don't know...think that that's not going to happen. You kind of forget to...believe that everyone will be okay.” Sokka does laugh #38, the sad, hollow one Zuko only has heard when Sokka talked about his Mom. “How...who...it seems like we all missed our chance to learn how to do all that. But, at least we had our people that we’re safe with, you know? And _then_ — Then, we leave for a little bit and…it seems like you think there are plots all over the place.” 

_Fuck._

“Well, you know what it was like when you all left...”

Sokka’s eyes narrowed. 

“No.”

_Shit_. 

“I mean— I mean— ” Zuko’s fingers twist over each-other as he tries to find some excuse. 

“You said everything was fine!” Sokka stuck a finger in his chest, “You said that everything was _boring_.”

“It was! It was boring! Look, it’s not... I mean, these things happen— I mean they _shouldn’t_ and I would hate for any of you to ever—”

“These things happen?!” 

Zuko winced. “Yes?”

Sokka sighed. Fuck. Another wrong answer. 

Except, maybe not, Zuko thought as Sokka’s warm hand grabbed his. 

Zuko’s head went quiet. It was nice. Suddenly, he wanted to cry. It felt...really, really nice. 

“I just...I just want everyone to be safe.” 

Zuko’s throat caught. 

Of course he did. Zuko wanted that too. 

He just didn’t know what that required yet. He didn’t know if...he had to be gone for that to be able to happen. For them to feel safe. 

“Sleep with me tonight? We can go to your room. Just for the one night. Just so I can be sure that _everyone_ is safe.,” Sokka asked, his eyes still focused on their intertwined hands. 

How could Sokka ask that of him? Was this a test? Was this...Sokka trying to sacrifice himself? To him? Sokka knowing what he _could_ do (not that he ever would, or even would be able to, no matter what they thought) and Sokka just...accepting it? Wanting the proof, the same way Zuko had been tempted to try a few nights ago? How he had been so, _so_ tempted to just...let Suki kill him and then at least he’d know and everyone could move on? How he wanted to know _everyone_ would be safe, the same exact way that Sokka wanted?

But, Sokka couldn’t do that. Zuko couldn’t let Sokka do that. He couldn’t accept that, he would never… Never do anything like that. Not to Sokka. Not to one of them. Not to anyone. He… 

He couldn’t stay.

“Sokka—” Zuko started.

“Please?” 

He couldn’t say no either.

* * *

He woke up in the night, cicadas _screaming_ , the icy air of the room grating at his skin, the final dredges of sun dying out as the moon —just a sliver in the sky— took over. 

His hand was already balled into a fist and pressed up against his mouth, the scab from the Dai Li agent grinding his knuckles into the ground pressing painfully against his teeth, and he couldn’t tell if the copper taste was real or a dream or a morbid prediction. 

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

Zuko knew he was rocking back and forth, a bad habit from a long time ago, but he couldn’t stop himself. A hand in his mouth, a childish coping mechanism, a laughing stock of a ruler, as always. 

As long as he didn’t wake Sokka up, as long as he didn’t— 

“Shh…” Sokka’s voice drifted into his ears, calming him immediately, even more so when his hand came to rest across his hip and tangle their fingers together. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe.” 

He pulled him flush against his chest and Zuko felt full body contact for the first time in _weeks_ , his whole back pressed against Sokka’s chest, Sokka’s face tucked into his neck, Sokka’s arm around him. Sokka was warm. He made it feel like it was sunny and bright again. Like it was _safe_. 

Zuko drifted off before he heard Sokka continue, “We’ll protect you.”

He was asleep before he felt the third hand cover theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Paranoia, mentions of hallucinations, Sleep Deprivation, mentions of violence and injury, descriptions of nightmares and panic attacks, implied suicidal thoughts/ideation.


	6. Attempt 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in end notes!

He woke up to fire. 

Fire, pouring over his face again, into his ear, onto the bed. 

_ On the bed. _

In a moment he was up, one arm wrapped around Sokka, the other pulling Suki — _ when did Suki get here _ — and getting them out of the way. They weren’t benders, they couldn’t put it out, they would burn and he wasn’t going to have this be his fault. 

He wasn’t going to prove them right. 

One hand checking Suki’s pulse, the other pressing onto Sokka’s, a heartbeat, rapid, they were alive, they were fine, Suki asking him...something, who knows what, Sokka was breathing, they both were breathing, no fire, no blood, no nothing.

Now, he was on his feet, dashing into the hallway to follow the person, his bare feet sliding over the carpet, his skin stinging at the friction, and he let the burn fuel him on. 

No one in the hall, the guards surprised at his entrance. 

_ Shit.  _

The window, the person must have gone through the window. 

Zuko ducked back into his room, and saw...

The open window. 

Bingo. 

He grabbed his dao swords and climbed, one leg already on the windowsill when a hand wrapped around his ankle.

“Zuko?” Sokka asked, his voice scratchy from sleep, Suki rubbing her eyes behind him. 

“I’ll take care of it, stay here. Stay with the guards.” Zuko ordered, turning away again. 

But the hand didn’t let up. Instead, Sokka tugged him back. Did he not realize he had to  _ go  _ if they wanted to stop the assassin at all? He was going to keep them safe, he  _ was _ , he  _ could _ , he wasn’t going to fail them  _ again _ .

Sokka tenderly placed a hand on his wrist. “Zuko, what’s going on?” 

“It’s fine. Someone attacked. I’ll handle it.” 

“Someone attacked?” Suki narrowed her eyes, quickly awake. “When?” 

“Just  _ now _ .” Zuko snapped. “Don’t you see the—”

He gestured towards the bed. The unsinged bed. No char marks, no ash. 

“The what?” Sokka asked. He lightly tugged at his wrist and Zuko let it pull him down from the window, not noticing the hand put on his shoulder for support. Not noticing it was basically the  _ only  _ thing supporting him. 

“There was…” Zuko murmured. “It was on fire… I saw…” 

He couldn’t do this. This was....if this was happening around other people, it was bad. He couldn’t let them know. If they  _ knew _ — if they knew how normal this was he’d be dead tomorrow and he would deserve it, he couldn’t let them know.

Even though they already knew. He just shown them. Sokka was right. He couldn’t keep them safe. 

“It’s not usually this bad!” he blurted out, his breath heaving, and he forced the burn in his lungs down.

—  _ there isn’t any smoke, there wasn’t any smoke, calm down—  _

Only for the burn to come up his throat, pricking at the back of his eyes, and he tried not to cry. His back hit the wall behind him, knees buckling, but he  _ refused  _ to go down. 

“ _ Usually— _ ” Suki asked, started to ask, he couldn’t let her ask. 

He interrupted, frantic. “It’s not, I promise it— I must have eaten something weird! Or— It was just a bad dream. It was a joke, just a joke, hahah, so funny, right? Right?” 

“This isn’t—” but Zuko couldn’t let Sokka talk, he couldn’t let him say what he knew he was thinking. 

“It’s not usually like this! You saw me, before, I’m not like this! It’s— It’s— I’ll fix it. I’m working on it.” His breath came up in a choking sob that he swallowed down. 

“How long has this been—” 

“Never! It’s  _ not _ !”

“Zuko, we  _ saw  _ it! You can’t lie to us,” Suki snapped. Then, softer, she added, “Please. Why didn’t you tell us?” 

“I...It’s…” He trailed off. The energy leaving him and the last of his will abandoning him too. He sank to the floor. They knew. They caught him. They knew. “I’m so sorry.” He mumbled at the carpet in front of him. “It’s been...a while.” 

Sokka didn’t say anything. And Suki didn’t either. 

“But it’s fine!” he said, forcing himself to smile and stand and look them in the eye. “I was just mistaken. And it’s fine now. Thank you for correcting me. My apologies for waking you both.” 

“Zuko—” Suki said and he couldn’t— he knew that he was right. Ordinarily, Suki would never do something like this. She wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to protect the people she cared about from what he was. The guilt over pushing her to that was worse than anything she could do. 

He couldn’t keep asking this of either of them. 

“Anyway, I think I wish to be alone for the rest of the night, if you two wouldn’t mind?”

He didn’t want to see the looks from the both of them when he said that. 

He didn’t want to see Sokka’s widened eyes, he didn’t want to feel the grip on his wrist, so close to his hand, loosen and then disappear. 

He didn’t want to see Suki’s look turn from concern into anger. He didn’t want to see Suki’s look turn from concern into anger. He thought that her being mad at him for being a dick would feel better than her being concerned about him and what the fuck was wrong with him. 

And...maybe it did. Maybe it was just different. Maybe there just wasn’t going to be a  _ better _ . 

So, he looked away. 

Icy night air cut across his face, which still felt hot and feverish from— from the fire that didn't happen, and he closed his eyes, his hair ruffling in the wind, his body relaxing in increments, his face becoming expressionless.

“Zuko—” Sokka whispered. 

“Leave,” Zuko said. Then, he added, gentler, “Please.” 

He stared at the sky until he heard the door shut. Then, he closed the window. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Graphic description of a hallucination, self-judgement over hallucinations, paranoia
> 
> UPDATE: 11/6 - I ended up having a really long day with a test and a really big presentation and have been pretty much working since like, 7 am and...I'm really tired. All that is to say, we will update tomorrow! And it is a long, juicy chapter so strap in friends!   
> Thank you all for understanding! I'm trying to get this all to you ASAP but it is a long work and the chapter a day grind is tiring <3


	7. Attempt 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi yall! Ty for understanding with the break yesterday, I ended up sleeping for like, 12 hours. I...needed that. Anyway, so happy to update this! This chapter is a lot more...everything than others, so please check the TW before, in the end notes!

Zuko kicked them out on a Tuesday. 

The real assasination attempt came on Thursday. 

It was poetic in a sense. 

Suki thought that she could make everything be fine, tried to get closer, tried to make it better, and ruined everything. Got rejected and burned. Metaphorically, against Zuko’s demons that were worse than she feared. And she didn’t know how to fight. Any hope at even being  _ allowed  _ to  _ try  _ to fix him falls apart, her ability to protect him falls apart, and Zuko falls apart. And then they all get burned. Again. Not metaphorically. 

Since Tuesday, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her brain didn’t rest  _ once _ . 

She couldn't forget his grip on her. How he pulled her out of the bed. How his hand felt against her neck and how his eyes looked as he woke her, wide and frantic and  _ so happy  _ to see she was okay and how he stroked her cheek before he turned away.

And how he looked at something that wasn’t there. 

Yes, Zuko had been scared of...well, everything before. But he had let Suki protect him. Yes, he had sleeping problems before. But he had them with him, protecting him, making him feel safe. Yes...sometimes he remembered something wrong or...wasn’t there when you talked to him or...remembered something that hadn’t totally happened...or looked at something that none of them could see... But he would trust them to help him. It wasn’t this bad. 

It wasn’t bad enough that he couldn’t share it with them.

Those eyes wouldn’t stop playing in her mind, and she couldn’t stop thinking how she could have done it differently. 

Woke up faster. Grabbed him faster. Held him. Made him feel safe. Gotten through to him. Made him trust her. 

Instead, he was alone again and here she was, pacing the halls, picking at her nails and resisting the urge to commit arson, even if she wasn’t a firebender. 

But, her brain got loud and hard to ignore in a big bed with her boyfriend, who should be enough for her to be happy, but she was still sleepless and restless and Zuko-less and so had no choice but to wander. 

Suki hadn’t worked up the courage to go to his room again. Not since that night. Neither had Sokka, so they would lay next to each other and try to convince the other they were sleeping, and Suki would poke him with her cold feet until they were both distracted from the actual chill hovering over their bed. 

Neither of them actually slept much, though, so they would talk: about Zuko, about the war, about their plans. About making actual clothes for Momo and Appa so they could match. About Sokka’s inventions. About Suki’s hopes for the future. About kids. About how awful they were. About how cute they were. About what absolute demons both of them were when they were young. 

It was nice. It was terrible. She missed Zuko. 

She loved Sokka so much, though. That was the only thought keeping her sane. His soft hair, his warm arms, the shaved back of his neck ticking her nose as they tried to sleep, her arms around him. She loved his laugh, his stupid jokes, the look on his face when he made them, so annoyingly proud of himself (how Zuko would always laugh when he made them, no matter how bad they were). 

She loved how much he loved the people around him. She loved his idiotic jokes, his dry sarcasm, the stupid, impulsive decisions he made when someone broke him out of his obsessive planning (usually Zuko). 

She loved his skin, his nose, his mouth, his arms, his hands and everything he could do with them. She loved his blueprints, those she could understand and those that made no sense to her whatsoever (that Zuko would always pretend to understand anyway to see Sokka smile and talk more). She could watch him try to paint for hours, his tongue sticking out and crumpling the paper every two minutes (she kept them all, of course she kept them all. Before she had left, they were all in a box under Zuko’s bed. They looked at them together when Sokka wasn’t there.)

She loved Sokka’s...stomach. Squishy now that things were calm and tensing up when he laughed. They used to all go cloud-gaze together, Toph coming up with more and more ridiculous things to ‘see’, and Suki could feel every one of Sokka’s laughs as she rested her head on his stomach. That day, the last time they all stared at the clouds together before everyone left, her feet were in Zuko’s lap, and he absentmindedly tapped out random patterns on her ankle as he looked over reports, stopping every couple of minutes to meet her eyes and smile,, shaking his head at their friends’ nonsense. 

She missed him.

So, that was what led her to the hallway next to his rooms in the late hours of the night, early hours of the morning. 

She just wanted to sit. Sokka had already drifted off, so she had left a note and a kiss on his forehead and snuck out. 

Suki ignored the light that was still on in Aang’s room. And Katara’s room. And Toph’s was out but that didn’t mean anything. 

So, she drifted through the hallways, habitually silent until she made it to his. 

His empty hallway. 

His hallway with the guards on the ground. 

Well, fuck. 

Suki rushed over the guards, glad to feel nothing wet against her bare feet, and into Zuko’s room. 

There Zuko stood. 

Well, not really  _ stood _ . Instead he was  _ pressed  _ against the wall, a hand wrapped around his throat and his skin turning a sickening blue. 

Suki saw red. 

Her fans were in her room but her hands worked well enough, tearing at the assailant’s arm and throwing him across the room. 

The fight was on. Suki was exhilarated, finally glad to get some blood pumping in her veins, finally glad to have something to  _ do _ . 

Suki forgot how to feel, how to think, only processing her hands punching and tearing, her own skin breaking in the process, maybe the bones under it too, kicking and throwing and borderline growling. All tact, all subtlety forgotten. 

This was the day Suki learned how to feel vicious. 

And vicious she was, coming to one moment of clarity when the assailant had her pinned and fire burned, hot and fast and clear and  _ deep,  _ into her shoulder. 

Dazed, she let go. Woozily watching the man stand and turn back to Zuko. Her vision fuzzy, whiting out with pain and...something, she saw him approach Zuko. Saw him raise his hand...what was he doing? Saw a burst of red. 

_ No. _

And her teeth lodged in the back of his neck, her nails finding roots in his arms and digging in, ripping at his skin, his face, the sticky slide of blood overwhelming her senses and catching thickly in her nose. Her blood mingled with the man’s until she couldn’t even tell what pain she was causing and what was hurting her. 

She got a good hit in, tearing open the man’s cheek and seeing the stark white of his teeth. A  _ win _ . The man held one hand, shaking, up to the detached skin, turned his tail and fled. 

And Suki stood panting, grinning, protecting what was  _ hers  _ and proving she could, tasting life in her mouth and enjoying the beat of her heart powering through her veins. 

* * *

The first thing Zuko saw when his vision cleared was Suki’s face. 

She looked...scary. 

Her hair was a mess, torn out of her ribbon at the sides and matted with something dark. Blood ran down her face, a stream from her nose, mingled with the gash dripping from her hairline, mixed with the mess smeared across her mouth. It made Zuko’s stomach sick. 

Her hands were red, her clothes were red. Zuko couldn’t breathe. 

She was going to kill him. She was going to kill him. She knew about the other night, knew he was a failure, knew he was a liability and a danger to keep around, knew he was  _ weak  _ and broken and a waste of time. It was better to give up now and put him out of his misery, and she was going to kill him. 

She did this. It was her assassin. That’s why it was right after...after they found out. Now they know he was another failure, and here he got to see exactly what she did to failures. 

And, suddenly, she looked at him. 

Her eyes were wide. Her pupils were blown. She was entirely focused on him. 

He glanced from side to side and saw no where to run. He couldn’t run. But, he wasn’t going to fight her either. And he figured she probably wouldn’t believe it if he played dead. He was just trying to figure out if the saber-tooth moose lion would play with him or finish the job already. He was tired. He wanted to rest. He wanted to know already, wanted her to just admit what he was and what she was going to do. 

He felt glass against his hand and realized he had been scrambling back, his head slamming into his nightstand and knocking over the bowl sitting there, it shattering over him. Before she left, Suki used to put her hair pins in it.

“Zuko.” Suki was sitting in front of him now, whispering so no one else would hear. He hoped, so badly, that she would say it. He could take it. She was going to kill him. 

Was the man hers? Had he fucked up the job? How did he get in? How did these happen the  _ night  _ — _ was it a night how many days had it been since he told them— _ after Suki had found out? He knew, in his  _ gut _ , this wasn’t a coincidence. He knew he had just witnessed a punishment, vicious and gross and clear retribution for a fuck-up. And now Suki was here to finish the job. As always, doing what was right. Maybe the man would have killed him better— quicker, easier. Maybe he shouldn’t have fought. Did he fight? He couldn’t remember anymore. 

Her hand landed on his arm and he dimly realized where the smoke smell that was making his lungs ache and muddling his brain was coming from. 

It was him. 

The front of his tunic still smouldered and under it, he could see where the blood and flesh was melting into the fibers, where the fabric was melting into his skin. 

“—put it out?” Suki was saying. 

“Huh?”

“Zuko. Honey. Sunshine. Can you put it out? I don’t think I…” her voice faded out, “...without hurting you?” 

“I, uh— yeah.” He focused— pressing his eyes shut. 

The lights in the room went out. That wasn’t right. 

He focused...noticing the slight heat, pulling at the center of his gut, right under his ribs. He could feel his heart under it, beating, beating, it would be so easy to… make it all easier for Suki.. He trusted her, even if he didn’t  _ trust  _ her… and it would be a rest, a respite from all this...maybe it would be what’s best for him too...maybe it was what was best for all of them. Wasn’t it? And a rest just sounded so good right now…

Flames grew, warm and welcoming in front of his eyes, and Suki moved and he felt her softly touching him, her warm skin on his, and relaxed into it. 

And sharp pain exploded in his chest. 

Suki, on top of him, pressing into his chest, into his wound, her arm inside of his ribcage, taking his heart and twisting it around like a broken puppet, pain, pain,  _ pain- _

Hair, tickling his neck. 

A soft flower smell, covering up the smoke and burnt flesh. 

Suki’s broken voice pleading in his ear: “Breathe. Please. C’mon hotstuff, Zuko, darling,  _ please. _ ”

Fresh air in his lungs. 

The world gets sharp again. Suki pressed a cloth into his chest, stifling the fire that he wasn’t able to. She sat back up, her other hand brushing his hair back, looking at his pupils. From here, he could see tears running down her face, an ugly wound spread across her shoulder, matching the one on his chest.

“You got hurt?” His voice caught, and he hoped it was just the choking or the smoke or...something like that. Not the guilt, giving him his answer. 

“Oh.” Suki looked down, “It’s nothing to worry about. The guy just got me a little bit.”

“I— I don’t understand.” If she….she was getting hurt then he deserved what he got. He had to deserve it. Her hand was still on his chest. She should do it. She should, he couldn’t bear her getting hurt. She got hurt. It was his fault and she got hurt. Suki got hurt, and it was all his fault. And she was hurt and on top of him, and at this point he hoped she killed him and then nothing like this would ever happen again and they’d all be safe without him. From him. 

And she had a knife in his ribs, but it wasn’t a knife, it was gentle hands, which was  _ worse _ , taking care of him and brushing the hair off his forehead while her teeth were still red with blood and the world was going fuzzy again— he could only hear a faint ringing that still sounded loud like a wail, and she was going to kill him, he knew it, he wanted her to, as she reached towards his bedside, where she knew he kept a knife— 

—it was a good run, he shouldn’t fight, everyone else would tell him to fight, Iroh would tell him to keep fighting, but Ozai would say the same thing, he should let her, he should get the knife for her, hand it over—

His hand barely moved and she noticed anyway, reaching down to grab his wrist. 

It was over. 

But, ruining everything and maybe saving Zuko's life, Sokka walked in at that same moment and Zuko found the strength to almost sit up even as his world went white around the edges and something pinched at the base of his neck and everything went dark. 

* * *

Sokka walked into a mess. 

Actually, no, Sokka walked into a travesty. 

Actually,  _ no _ , Sokka walked into a nightmare.  _ His  _ nightmare. Which he knows because he’s definitely had this one before. 

Walking in to find two of the most important people in the world to him, half-dead or fully dead and covered in blood and Sokka slept through it. 

He woke up only a few minutes ago and found the note Suki left:  _ going for a walk, be back soon _ . Of course, he knew there was only one place she would go at this point. 

So, off to Zuko’s room he went. If they were finally going to  ~~bother~~ try to talk to him, he wanted to be a part of it. 

And...this was what waited for him. 

Suki, on the floor, one shoulder clearly burnt, soaked in blood from a combination of her own wounds and whatever she’d had to do to someone else (she had just talked about wanting to be gentler the other day, talked about escaping violence, talked about getting to be peaceful, about still being able to protect them all) and there she was, injured, on her own, and kneeling over Zuko. 

Zuko looked terrified. He looked like he thought Suki was going to kill him. Sokka couldn’t even imagine who or what Zuko was seeing in his own head, instead of Suki. 

He looked...bad. His throat was already a mess of blue, his chest...making Sokka want to cry and retch and never let Zuko out of his sight again and also throw himself off the roof for listening when he told them to leave two nights ago like an  _ idiot _ . 

Suki was trying to calm him, whispering frantically while Zuko took in these huge, sucking, rattling breaths that Sokka could hear from the hallway. One of his hands was reaching for Suki, the other groping at his desk, was he...trying to push her off? To— to grab at things only he could see. Fight people that didn’t exist. 

Zuko managed to sit up and his breath turned to horrible choking. Suki made a matching terrified face to Sokka’s and pinched at the back of Zuko’s neck— 

Thankfully, knocking him out. 

The two of them sat in silence for a few seconds. 

Maybe a few more. 

Finally: “Are you okay?” Sokka asked. 

Suki gasped, turning around to stare at him. 

“ _ Fuck _ . You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” Sokka said. “I love you. Are you okay?”

“ _ I’m  _ fine,” Suki snapped, her hands still obviously shaking. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Sokka kneeled next to her, trying to ignore...everything about the situation. “Look at me.” 

“Sokka—”

“Look at me? Wonderful Suki, my love? My amazing warrior girlfriend?”

Suki snorted, then gave in and looked at him. 

The damage was worse than he thought, but he smiled through the pain twisting in his chest. 

“Hands?”

Suki rolled her eyes. 

“Do we really—”

“Hands.” 

Suki put her hands in his and he squeezed them slightly. 

“It was good you were here.” 

Suki frowned and started to pull away, but he grabbed tighter. 

“Ah, ah, ah, none of that. It was good you were here. It was good you took care of him. Without you, this all would have been much worse.” He squeezed again, for emphasis. “You’re amazing. We’re all lucky to have you. You did far past the best anyone else could do. You are Suki, badass warrior, leader extraordinaire, brave and caring and amazing, with a brain that I’m surprised you manage to carry around all day, what with how big it is, and you have the biggest muscles I’ve ever seen. With your heart being just as strong as all the others. You’re amazing. You’re wonderful. We are  _ all  _ so lucky to have you in our lives.”

Suki swallows, then nodded, just a little. He knew what she was thinking, of course. He was thinking the same thing. 

_ I could have done better.  _

_ I should have done better _ . 

But, they both also knew that those thoughts weren’t helping anyone. Best to just move on then and never acknowledge them. 

One hand kept its tight grip on Suki’s. Zuko was hurt. Suki was hurt. He needed to know the damage in order to figure out what to do next. 

So,  _ not  _ shaking, he pulled Suki into his chest, keeping her face away, and moved the cloth covering Zuko’s chest. 

_ Shit.  _

Shit. 

It was...bad. It was really, really bad. It was red and bloody and, yes, Suki needed to use a cloth, of course, but now little fabric fibers dotted inside of Zuko’s torn up skin. 

Suki snuffled, making little aborted gasps that meant she was trying not to cry. Sokka, meanwhile, gave up on not crying. Quietly, he let himself grieve and hate how  _ unfair  _ this was for just this one moment, and then he would find a way to fix it, for real this time. 

And then Zuko whimpered. 

Like a hurt child. 

Still unconscious. Obviously, still in pain. 

Suki shuddered and then  _ clung  _ to Sokka, her arms curling in his shirt, around his bicep, around his back, never deciding on a place, and smashing her face and body into his chest like she was trying to climb inside him while also destroying her own effed-up shoulder. Sokka could feel the blood from it getting her shirt wet. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Sokka wrapped his arms tighter, resolving to let the doctors yell at them later. The most important people in the world to him were Not Dead. Sokka just needed a moment to process that. He knew they weren’t dead, he could see them, alive and bloody but alive, he just needed his still panicking body to catch up to what his brain knew.

Suki shook against him. She tilted her face up, pressing it into the skin of the neck, finally letting her arms rest around his waist. Sokka stroked her hair and ignored the matted blood in it. “Sweetheart, it’s okay. We’re okay. It’ll be okay. Okay?” 

With one hand, he found Zuko’s, warm and  _ living  _ under his. 

“We’re okay.”

* * *

Zuko woke up to pain. 

And fuzziness. 

And people talking. 

“Katara will take care of him....he’d never let her...if he was awake...she can handle this.” The voice faded in and out - or maybe that was Zuko’s brain fading in and out. That was...Toph? No, Suki. Definitely Suki. Agni, Zuko’s head hurt.

What the eff happened?

_ Oh _ . 

Oh right. The memories were hazy and blurred together and only came in chunks of sensation. But, someone came for Zuko. And...Suki was there. It wasn’t proof...it couldn’t be proof. If this was proof, he would be dead. There was probably another reason she was there. Probably. And, if there wasn’t, Zuko would just wait until there was for-sure proof. 

Even if that proof was him ending up actually dead. 

Another voice added, “I don’t know, I feel bad about—”

Suki said something, but it was too faint to make out. 

That was Aang’s sigh. Why was Aang talking to Suki? About…Well, obviously, it wouldn’t be about that, right? Aang would never... He would never be involved with something like this. If it was happening. Which it still might not be. Zuko had been wrong about plenty of things before. This could just be another one.

Aang added, “Okay, I guess you’re right.” 

“He trusts you. If you’re there...he’ll let you.”

Oh. That...didn’t sound too good. 

He hoped the pain in his chest was just another injury. 

“Okay,” Aang agreed. “I’ll help, I’ll— if it comes to it. _But_ , I don’t want it to come to it.”

Suki let out a sharp huff of air. It could be a snort. Of laughter. At him. Or, a sigh at what he was forcing her to do. Both options were bad. “None of us wanted it to come to this. But I don’t think we have a choice at this point.” 

“No, I don’t think we do.” 

With that, the voices faded again, switching to talking about training Appa to do...something. Something involving dancing and Momo; Zuko didn’t even know. 

Not like he’d even be around to find out, he thought bitterly. And ironically. And hopefully. If he should be hopeful? He wasn’t dead and, as far as he could tell, no one else was either. 

Positivity. Which he had learned from— 

He wanted to laugh. 

Of course he had trusted Aang, of course he would. In all of his months of knowing him, even when Zuko was acting like a major son-of-a-bitch (on Ozai’s side), he never had any ill-will in his entire 12-year-old body. Zuko would have never expected…

But, he didn’t need to keep looking at it, turning it over, trying to find reasons for why it was just him making stuff up. They knew he was a mess. They knew he was...not the best choice of a ruler. It was clear. It was what needed to happen. Zuko could wait and see whatever they decided to do, and whatever it was, he would support them. 

Suki didn’t want to do it, at least. He remembered...the other day. He remembered more of that night. He didn’t notice the assassin fast enough. He didn’t fight hard enough. If Suki or Sokka or anyone else had been with them they could have gotten hurt. And, he couldn’t remember anyone else getting hurt, other than him. Which was good. 

Zuko was a liability. Zuko was weak. Zuko was better off not being around. And now he knew that Suki knew that too. At least it was better to know, right? 

He could decide what to do now. 

Accept that Katara would...do the deed. And Aang would help, ‘if it came to it’. Decide if it would come to that or not. 

I mean, it would save him...having to worry. Having to think about when or if or how his friends would do it. It’d probably been an easy out. Hopefully, Katara wouldn’t even tell him. Katara would just make it so he would be there...and then not be there. Easy. He just had to...let her...and then they would…

_ No.  _

No, that was nonsense, that  _ had  _ to be nonsense. He had been raised to fight. He was  _ trying _ . Who would be better? 

Who? There wasn’t anyone else! He was  _ trying _ . He was trying so hard. And..if that...if that still wasn’t enough, fine. Fine. 

But then Suki could own up to it. If Suki wanted this, if she  _ knew _ , at least she could do it herself. 

The Suki he knew —the proud, amazing warrior that would stop at nothing to protect those she loved— she would do it herself. 

No reason to pull Aang and Katara into this. No reason to ask this of Aang, a kid who had already gone through enough. Suki should know better. If he was going down, he was going to insist on it at least being done this way. Leaving the least mess to clean up. Suki and Zuko were the seasoned ones. If she wanted blood, she’d have to be the one leaving with dirty hands. 

Zuko would make sure of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: A lot heavier violence than other chapters, this chapter does have a graphic assassination attempt, mentions of blood, burning, and choking, as well as much heavier passive suicidal ideation and suicidal ideation as Zuko more seriously considers letting his friends kill him or helping them by killing himself, as well as mentions of sleep deprivation, paranoia, hallucinations, and extreme self-judgement for all of those things.


	8. Attempt 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Most important update: Randi made some amazing, amazing art for this, you should totally check it out here and also give this amazing and talented person a follow/check out their blog. The art is [ here ](https://afrosteampunkwriter.tumblr.com/post/634098703422078976/photography-for-a-little-more-time-kill-me-later) and you can follow her on tumblr [ here ](https://afrosteampunkwriter.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Other updates:  
> Mai is in this one! I LOVE her.  
> Also...ive seen a lot of yall talking about pinning Zuko down and getting him to accept ppl caring so...i guess maybe we will see if that works? Or what our ppl think? Or if anything will get better? 
> 
> Also, while I didn't write it this way bc my eyes were not yet open to the amazing-ness of all the non-bender sword bros dating each other, but you can totally interpret this as Mai/Zuko, I don't really care which u do, but it can be friendly or a relationship, polyam rights.
> 
> ALSO, I'm taking another day off tomorrow. The medical people need my blood and I know from experience it will keep me from being coherent for the rest of the night. I desperately wish ao3 would let me schedule posts. Anyway, will update again Tuesday. 
> 
> Also, TW in end.

Suki was surprised when Mai came back the following week. 

Mai. 

Sweet, lovely,  _ amazing  _ Mai. 

Not that anyone other than Zuko would say those things about her, of course, Suki thought bitterly.

Not that Suki didn’t like her! Nooooo, Suki just  _ loved  _ the girl that pinned her to a tree and helped throw her and her entire team into prison. She. Was. Great. 

So. Great. 

So, Suki could see  _ exactly  _ what Zuko saw in her. 

Wonderful Mai, who saved them all, especially Zuko, from death because she just loved Zuko so much. (Because Mai probably would have taken care of the weird assassin guy with  _ no  _ injuries on anyone’s part. Mai probably wouldn’t have gotten kicked out in the first place, would have cut his throat, and then brought Zuko ice cream. That he’d  _ actually  _ eat). 

He didn’t even fully remember what happened that night, apparently, according to Mai. 

Suki might hate her a little bit, actually. 

She made him  _ smile _ . 

Suki had seen it that morning. The two of them, walking around the gardens, Mai’s arm in his and Mai making some little comment that made him actually laugh. 

The double-punch of seeing Zuko smiling again — how it filled her with warmth and longing and also a dull ache, deep inside her, that she had been here for over a week and seen neither hide nor hair of it— made Suki have to hide behind a pillar and catch her breath. 

She wasn’t going to cry just because Mai had made him laugh. 

She wasn’t. 

It was so stupid. Here she was, legendary warrior, leader of the Kyoshi Warriors, part of the team that took down the entire Fire Nation Air Fleet on Sozin’s Comet,  _ all  _ while being a non-bender, trying and failing to bite back tears because of another stupid Fire Lord. 

“Hey, Airhead.”

“Huh?” Suki’s head shot up, quickly wiping at her eyes. 

_ Fuck _ . 

Toph and Katara. Her very good friends. Seeing her, sitting on a hallway floor, very clearly crying. 

“Hiiii guys. What is going on?” Suki smiled painfully at them. 

“Nuh-uh,” Katara said, no funny business, as always. “You first.” 

Katara sat down next to her, much more gracefully than Toph, who threw herself on the floor, the column shaking a little bit for emphasis. 

“What’s wrong?” Katara asked again. 

And...Suki burst into tears. 

Great. 

Big ugly tears, too, with snot and heavy breathing and gasping while she tried to form words that made sense to explain how she felt so  _ mad  _ and  _ sad  _ and  _ concerned  _ and  _ lonely _ , which didn’t even make sense? Because she still had Sokka, whom she loved, and all of her friends, of course, so she wasn’t  _ lonely  _ lonely but she was still so goddamn lonely that it felt like her insides were dying, withering and rotting while she had to just carry them around and pretend that everything was fine, and it was  _ awful _ . She felt awful. 

But, of course, all that came out was vague blubbering kinda in the shape of words and hand gestures. 

And tears. Lots of tears. 

Wonderful Katara, of course, nodded through the whole thing, rubbing Suki’s back. 

She knew she was a mess because Toph even gave her a supportive poke...just kind of...stroking her bicep with her finger? Which Suki thought was supposed to be comforting? 

Either way, it actually worked. A testament to how much of a pathetic person she truly was, she supposed. Getting comfort from a thirteen year old. 

Suki wanted to laugh. 

She shouldn’t. But she felt a lot of things like, pain and awful-ness and misery and everything terrible about this entire everything. All the stress and lonely and out-of-control feelings of the past week built up, leaving her with the overwhelming, bone-shaking feeling that she and everything she was was pathetic, useless, and utterly laughable. All she could do was laugh. So...she did. 

Both Toph and Katara looked concerned. She felt the need to explain that she  _ wasn’t  _ totally losing it, choking out between sob-laugh-breaths, “Just...I just...imagined if...if the two of them came in...and saw us—”

She broke off in another cackle. 

Then, Katara’s eye twitched, a quirk of her lips, and she was laughing too. Then, Toph joined in. All three of them, sitting in a hallway, rolling on the floor laughing, with Suki  _ still  _ crying. Which is when, of course, her thought/fear actually happened. 

Zuko and Mai walked in. 

“Hi,” Mai said, looking wonderful and expressionless and with perfectly sharp make-up.

“Hi,” Suki said, presumably looking terrible, probably with eyeliner streaked across her face and puffy, runny eyes, and also knowing her luck, snot somewhere on her clothes. 

She did not make eye contact with Zuko; she snuck glances, but he, of course, did not look at her. 

He looked at Toph, his eyes slightly narrowed and a tick in his jaw that used to be familiar, a reason to glare a rude council person into submission or make him eat because he had forgotten again or whatever other problem Suki knew and understood and could solve, and now felt unrecognizable because for the first time, she didn’t know the reason behind it.

But then he looked at her. 

His eyes caught the light, showing golden brown and brightness, and the skin under his eyes was finally starting to look skin-colored again. 

She loved him. She missed him. He looked at her arm.

_ Fuck.  _ She never should have worn the fucking sleeveless shit, though it’s not  _ her  _ fault the Fire Nation is so goddamn hot and she didn’t want to deal with it when the medics told her she had to change the goddamn bandages every three fucking hours because for  _ some  _ reason Katara couldn’t use her water healing magic shit when she already spent half a day putting Suki’s hand bones back together.  _ Cmon Suki, think of something, cover, c’mon _ . 

“So, we were just gonna—”

“You’re injured,” he said, just to her. Like no one else was even in the room. 

“It’s fine.” She stood, dusting herself off, and, just as she turned, there he was. 

Right next to her, closer than he had been (willingly) in...a while. A long while. 

Gently, he tugged at her collar, looking at it just a little bit more, surprisingly still familiar, even when she felt like she was talking to a stranger. His hand falling in the same place it always had, feeling exactly the same, avoiding the old injury, brushing aside the hair that he knew always falls out of her ponytail. 

“You got injured.”

“Yeah.”

“How?” His eyebrow(s) pulled together, head tilted confused, and Suki was— She couldn’t— 

And all of a sudden,  _ again _ , Suki was mad.

“You mean that fucking guy attacked you? And tried to kill you? What the fuck do you mean how, how what?”

“How did you get— you weren’t suppose— Why—”

“Why did I get injured? When some random-ass assasin attacked you in the middle of the night from who the fuck knows where. I wasn’t supposed to what? What? Why did  _ I  _ get injured?”

“Yeah, I believe that’s what I asked.” 

“Oh, yeah, I heard you, I just wanted to make sure you heard yourself.”

Everyone else looked horribly uncomfortable. Suki couldn’t find it in herself to care. 

At least she was getting a rise out of him; that felt pretty goddamn good. 

“I— You—” Zuko cut himself off and pressed a thumb into his temple. 

“Headache?” 

He glared at her. 

“Maybe you should try getting some more sleep, oh wait—”

“You are so childish, Toph, do you hear her, she is so childish—”

“They’re still like this?” Suki heard Mai ask in a bored voice. 

“You get used to it,” Katara returned.

“Oh yeah, _Mai_ , because you would know, because you’re _always_ here!”

“Suki!” Zuko barked. 

Suki crosses her arms. “If she was here then  _ maybe _ , then none maybe none of this _ — _ ”

“Suki.”

“I mean it’s not like she  _ knows _ . What you get up to. What's going on in your head, any of the time. If you ever eat anymore. Fuck, if you even ever  _ sleep  _ anymore. It’s not like  _ she  _ knows how clearly unhappy you are here, al— without her.”

“I am happy!”

“ _ Sure _ . Sure you are Zuko. This is  _ totally  _ what happy looks like on you.”

“ _ Mai  _ is doing her best! She has very important things to do! Outside of here!”

“Well, there’s important things here, aren’t there?” Suki looked at him, pointedly, and resisted the urge to look at his bandages to make sure he wasn’t still bleeding. Of course, Mai wouldn’t let that happen. 

“The throne is important and I appreciate everyone’s contributions. I don’t— I can handle it. It’s fine. I can handle it—”

“Can you though?”

Zuko sucked in a breath and  _ glared _ . 

Suki took it as a cue to continue. “I mean, friends are people who support you, right? People who have your best interests at  _ heart _ ? Right—”

“Friends are people who know when it’s better to leave each other alone—”

“Friends are people who support you, and  _ don’t  _ leave you alone—”

“Friends are people who can support each other when they realize maybe the best support comes from  _ fucking off _ —” 

“ _ Friends  _ are people who  _ don’t  _ fuck off for  _ weeks _ .”  __

"Friends are people who don't get each other hurt for  _ nothing _ ."

Suki didn't— couldn't—  _ Is that what he—  _

Zuko continued, “Mai has things, outside of here, that are important to her. That she likes. And people that are important to her and I’m never, ever going to hold that against her!” 

Suki scoffed. Found her footing. This was a fight, she knew how to fight. Mai would fight. Mai would be mean. Mai would  _ not  _ cry, cmon Suki, be like Mai, “Maybe you should!” 

“I can’t believe you,” Zuko hissed. 

“I can’t believe  _ you _ ,” Suki snapped back. 

“Don’t copy me!”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” 

“I’ll tell you what to do if I—”

Suki raised an eyebrow. “No, you won’t.” 

“No. I won’t,” Zuko gulped. 

“Coward.”

“Immature.”

“Idiot.”

“I’m not the one getting hurt over  _ nothing _ .”

“Over  _ nothing _ ?! What the— This wasn’t  _ nothing _ —”

“You can’t just go around just…” Zuko threw up his hands in some approximation of...something. 

“Just what? Go on, I’d love to hear it, just  _ what _ .” 

“Getting yourself injured for stupid reasons. I know you’re trying to— but  _ it’s not working  _ so just  _ stop— _ ”

Suki shoved his hand off her shoulder. She would have preferred if he had just hit her. 

“Good to know,” she said, trying to make her face into the same mask he had apparently perfected. 

“I—” He shut his eyes, squeezing them tight together. The...whatever he was putting on slipped, just for a second. “Suki, I’m sorry. I just…” he sighed, his eyes opening and looking at her again. “I just don’t understand.” 

“It’s easy.” She took a cautious step foward, trying to ignore Mai and Katara and Toph, trying to convey everything in this one, small,  _ precious  _ moment they were somehow having, trying to push everything into this one moment that somehow she had gotten and  _ wasn’t going to fuck up _ . She looked into his eyes, gently touching his arm, resisting the urge to grab and  _ hold _ , “Why would I want to see you get hurt?” 

She hoped her pleading didn’t sound too much like begging. 

He looked at her. Not angry or detached, for once. Just...looked at her. 

"Good point." He straightened with sudden conviction. "Suki. I just— Whatever happens, I just...I would never want to see you get hurt."

Suki smiled, wide and real and hopeful. The lonely feeling eased for the first time since she had left Zuko and replaced itself with relief, flooding through her veins and making her light-headed, floaty and electrified, maybe finally understanding what it felt like to be hit by lighting. But, in a good way.

And then he looked away and sucked in a breath and asked Mai if she wanted to see the new turtleduck pond. 

They were good, everything was fine. Suki let him go.

He understood. He knew and got it through his dumb, thick skull that she would protect him. And, one day, he'd understand that was because he was something worth protecting.

She had fixed it.It was starting to be fixed and everything would be fine. 

Later, Katara would treat him and Aang would talk to him and tell him all the lovey-dovey world harmony shit, and they'd make him have a will to live again or inner peace or— or a release from shame and guilt, which Aang had made Suki do once and yes, it was actually incredibly helpful, even though it wasn’t really sticking right now, and everything would be great and maybe then Zuko would come and join her and Sokka in their room and then they could make breakfast together and Sokka would complain about waking up so early but Suki would say it was worth it to have more time with Sokka’s two favorite people and Sokka would smile and say, yeah, yeah it is, and Zuko would blush because he hadn’t realized before he was that to them but they would have all the time in the world convince him, slowly and completely, of how much they cared about him, because they were already getting a start and it would all be worth it and they’d be together and everything would be perfect. 

Everything was going to be fine. 

Suki had Zuko back. Zuko understood that she would never, ever want to hurt him, and he had the same for her, that knowledge thumping warmly inside her chest. He would be safe. She could keep him safe again. He would let her be with him again. 

Suki spent the rest of the day ecstatic.

Until dinner. 

Dinner was tense but Suki could stomach it, thrumming with the knowledge that everything was better, everything was great, everything was getting better and would all be fixed soon. 

So, she ate quietly, smiled brightly, and stopped glaring at Mai every five minutes. 

She even complimented her on her knife work and suggested a rematch sometime, then felt very proud of herself for doing so. (Especially because of the confused glare she got in return. How fun. Helped stomach the ache of another friend being a stranger now.)

They all ate, all ignoring Zuko not eating, instead rearranging the food on his plate so he could lie to them later. It was fine. She was used to it. She knew him. He liked steamed buns, filled with spicy red rhino-pork on good days and warm, bland mushroom broth on bad ones. She would see, later, how he was doing and get him to eat in privacy, with her, where he knew he would be safe. 

“Aang, how is your fire-bending training going?” Zuko asked, even shooting a tight smile at her when her eyes snapped to him. 

“Amazing! I did all the exercises you told me to every day while I was gone.”

“Almost every day,” Katara corrected.

“Katara!” Aang cried out. “Okay, maybe not  _ every  _ day, but we were busy! I was doing some  _ serious  _ bending down there.”

“It’s fine, Aang. Really. You’re doing really well, I’m sure a few days off won’t hurt,” Zuko said, and Aang glowed at the comfort. Especially since, at least in Sifu Hotman mood, Zuko rarely gave it. 

It was good to see. 

Zuko continued, “I actually— I talked to Jeong Jeong, the— well, you know him. Um. He said if— if anything happens and you— Need a substitute for a while. He could take over. For me. Just so you know.” 

“Oh.” Aang said. “That’s cool. He was a very...interesting teacher.”

Zuko smiled, a real one, looking down at his plate and blushing. “Yes, well, now you have the basics down, I’m sure it’ll be easier. He won’t make you do all the baby stuff.”

“Haha, baby stuff. Exactly what Twinkletoes needs actually!” Toph laughed, which set off an argument between her and Aang which Katara watched smiling with rapt attention.

Mai and Sokka talked about physics and blade points and spinning and complicated stuff that made Suki’s brain stop working. And Zuko kept rearranging the food on his plate, still blushing, still smiling softly. And when he looked up and saw her again, the smile didn’t even fade. 

She was happy. Zuko was doing better, and she was happy. 

Her plan was working okay. Probably. Hopefully. 

Dinner ended peacefully and Suki went back to her room without mind-numbing worry spoiling her own appetite. 

Since the night that Zuko dreamed up an imaginary attack, Suki had been...concerned. 

The look in his eyes...He was obviously seeing something that wasn’t there and getting so worked up about it. Seeing him so far away and in so much pain was terrifying. 

Zuko already needed to be physically healed. Obviously Katara would do it, so Suki figured Katara might as well give the brain a lil’ check-up? 

For all she knew, it could be spirits meddling, it could be brain-washing, it could be some random disease none of them knew about, it could be  _ poison _ . But, it was obviously something. 

She wasn’t going to...at first. That would be a huge violation of basic consent, and she wasn’t going to do that to him. Not when they were already part of the very few people he could trust. Suki wouldn’t want to do anything, ever, to lose that. 

She didn’t think he would be able to survive losing that trust. For his safety and her own peace. 

But then, after the  _ real  _ attack, and the way he looked at her, already halfway to the spirit world...Suki was sure there wasn’t any other option. 

He was afraid. He was terrified. He hadn’t been seeing her. 

She didn’t know who he saw. His father? Azula? Another name on the long and ever-growing list of people that haunted him? People who had tried to hurt him? 

She didn’t know; she didn’t want to know (well, yes, of course she did— she wanted to be there, she wanted to hear about everything, but more than anything she had never wanted to end up here in the first place). 

But things were fine now. Even if regret at Zuko having to stand his fear alone for as long as he did still settled hot and painful at the bottom of her stomach. Maybe she should have never left. 

But, she had fixed it. It was being fixed. He trusted her again. 

Maybe she should just strap him to his bed, make him eat something, shove some poppy-jujubes brew down his throat and force him to play the No Laughing game with them when he woke up (Zuko had always been surprisingly good at it). Follow the bloodthirsty Fire Nation route of bonding with friends. 

Or, maybe, she should take a page out of  _ Mai’s  _ book and just pin him to the nearest flat surface. Maybe then he’d talk to her. 

Ugh, all this stress was beginning to be a very bad look on Suki. 

Though, it couldn't be worse than her look on Thursday night (blood, pain, extreme violence, and if Sokka hadn’t come in, nothing would have stopped her, she was  _ vicious  _ and wanted to  _ hurt  _ someone). 

And, of course, sleep wouldn’t come because all she was doing was thinking about Zuko and being hopeful about Zuko and, thankfully, not being concerned about Zuko but wanting to just go back to protecting Zuko and so...she figured she’d just go see Zuko. 

Of course she did. 

Apparently, post-war, peaceful Suki just couldn’t be known for her good ideas. Great. 

She tried to calm herself on the way to his room, or at least, try to not seem too over-excited when she got there. 

Everything was fixed. Everything was better. She just wanted to  _ talk  _ to him — like, actually talk for once, now that it was allowed again (and maybe just get a little hug. A small one. Or just...a shoulder touch. Or just  _ something _ to make the curled-up death feeling in her gut release a little.)

What was not supposed to happen...was  _ Mai  _ opening to the door to his room. 

Adding insult to injury, she  _ cracked  _ it. Like Suki hadn’t seen it all before. 

Like Mai didn’t  _ know  _ that. 

“What do you want,” she said drily. 

“Oh, um…” Suki wished she knew how to talk like a person. “I umm… was hoping to talk? To Zuko?”

“He doesn’t want you to be here.” 

_ What. _

“What?”

Mai sighed, obviously bored. “I don’t repeat myself. If you want to bother him, you can do it later. He’s sleeping.” 

Suki laughed, loud and a frantic-sounding. Hopefully, Mai didn’t notice too much. 

“What’s funny?” Mai asked, still in that same bland tone. 

“Oh, um I thought...you were-”  _ Fuck _ . “It’s just, you know, it’s just...it’s so early. There’s no way he’s asleep.”

“See for yourself,” Mai said, opening the door a little more so Suki could see. 

And, sure enough, there Zuko was, sprawled out on the bed, his mouth half-open and hair adorably ruffled. Suki wanted to coo and cry and kill Mai a little bit. 

Especially since Mai also revealed her own outfit: a robe, a sleep shirt, loose pants, obviously sleep clothes, obviously ruffled from where she just got up...from sleeping...with him. 

And  _ especially  _ when Zuko turned, still half-asleep, letting out a mumbled, “Mai...wusgoinon” in that voice that used to be for  _ Suki _ . 

“Nothing,” Mai said, her voice actually warming in a way Suki didn’t think was possible. “We had a visitor but she was just leaving. Wasn’t she?” And with that, Mai raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow, and Suki took her cue. 

She left without another word. 

Everything was not okay. Everything was horrible. Suki had fucked every single thing up. 

* * *

Zuko heard the door close and jerked awake, his breath catching, turning its way into a pant,  _ again _ . 

_ fire, assassin, Mai, shoulder, fire, keep Mai safe, where is Mai, is Mai safe, did Mai leave, where is Mai—  _

“Hey, hey, hey.”

_ —Mai, Mai’s knives sharp against his chest, the metal against his skin, pinning his tunic to the wall behind him— _

“C’mon, Ducky, come back to me-- ”

_ —Mai’s laugh, loud, childish, her 8 year-old bowl cut, her fishing him out of the pond after he had fallen in...once again…—  _

“C’mon, Duck Lord, Five things? Remember? Just like we used to?” Mai’s face focused, the area behind her white and blurry, but her ponytails were glossy in the light, her red robe vivid against pale skin, the bright fabric that his hands are twisted in. Gold trim. Of course. 

_ — “Five things you can see” Mai smiles at him, her hand on the wall next to him as he curls up, freshly escaped from the tunnels again— _

“You. Your hair. Robe. Red. You—” His eyes darted around. Knife in the bed table, Sokka’s letters under the bed, shadows in the corner, a face in the window, wait, no nothing there, and everything other than Mai went blurry again. Her eyes were golden. Brown. They caught in the light. They were brown. 

_ —Mai, glaring at him, she’s on the floor of her parents house, she’s talking but not there, her eyes wide and empty and a knife digging into her palm where she doesn’t notice the blood dripping down. Zuko asks her, “Four things you can touch.” Mai breathes. Names the wood underneath her, Zuko’s hand on her shoulder, the dress on her skin and tight against her stomach, the knife in her hand. She finally lets go, the metal clattering to the floor—  _

“Your robe. Soft.” He let his head fall and rest against her collarbone. Mai’s arms curled around him and she tugged a little at his hair. Just a tad. It helped bring him back. “Your hand. My hair. Your skin.”

_ —Mai hiding in a closet and Zuko spends hours looking for her. She’s silently crying when he finds her, her hand clutched over her mouth and nails digging into her skin. And he sits. And asks her absent-minded questions, day, name, favorite color, what she ate that day, where she buys her fruit, three things she could hear, his obnoxious voice being the first one—  _

“Cicadas. Loud. Um. The um. Frogs? I think. Croaks. Wind. It sounds cold. That doesn’t make sense. It’s windy outside. I think”

_ —The Northern Air Temple, a mountain climbed and sudden, cold air rushing into a fresh wound. Zuko collapsing, his knees meeting the ice, bare hands digging into snow, shaking, shaking, and remembering Mai’s voice, naming Five, Four, Three, Two...”— _

Things he can smell. “Burning. Fire and smoke and burning.” His hands started to release Mai, went to his own chest, which was on fire again, he had to put it out, the flames were— she caught his hands. 

He breathed into her neck. “Citrus. Cinnamon.” What Mai always smells like. 

_ —Mai, panicking, looking at him, she’s 12 now and they’re both so stupid, him freaking out over a lesson fucked up again, and her scared over another meeting with Generals cooing over her and making promises of when she’ll get to start fighting. Her, not breathing, his hands shaking, his vision blurring, her palms in tight fists. She grabs his hair and smashes her mouth against his. The clacking of their teeth brings them both back, the taste of sweet apples across his tongue, and blood as she opens his lip. And then, sudden lightness, wholeness, as both of them collapse into embarrassed, relieved laughter—  _

He kissed her, softly, low on her cheek, again where her jaw meets her neck. Sweet apples. 

“You back with me, Ducky?”

“You’re still calling me that?”

Mai’s shoulders relaxed. Her question was answered. “I wouldn’t deprive you of your title. The great Lord of the Turtle Ducks. May the sun never set on his reign.”

Zuko smiled. “Thank you.” As always, she was able to bring him back. 

He’d do the same for her. He had  _ done  _ the same for her. It was an old, old, childish practice that he really should have grown out of by now. 

“I hoped you would sleep through it,” Mai said.

She sat back on their, no,  _ his  _ bed and Zuko fell forward, his head coming to rest on the soft skin on her stomach, her robe open and her tunic riding up, her arm wrapping around him again, her hand finding its way back into his hair. 

“You’re so annoying when you’re sleepy.”

“You’re so pretty when you’re annoyed.” 

Mai snorted and Zuko took the opportunity to snuggle deeper into her robe. She smelled nice. Like some...soap. Or something. 

“You smell nice.”

“Thanks, it’s my soap.”

She gently tugged at his hair and he softly headbutted her. 

“Ow,” she said drily. 

But she was Mai: over-dramatic in her own under-dramatic way. She let him knock her over, lying down. Zuko rolled over to his back and rested his head fully on her stomach. 

He could almost...almost drift off again…

Mai’s hand in his hair, Mai’s arm around his, Mai warm next to him, Mai between him and the door…

* * *

_ —fire, Suki, Suki killing him, Suki getting hurt, Suki failing to kill him and ending up dead herself, fire and dead bodies and him, alone, again, permanently—  _

He woke up to Mai poking his cheek. 

“You were breathing weird again.”

“Thanks for waking me up.”

“Anytime.” 

She poked him again, for good measure. 

“Do you want to...talk about it?” 

He sighed, smiled. “Do you want to listen?”

“What else is there to do? Might be a good story at least.”

“Eh, nothing you haven’t heard before.”

“Hmm…” Mai hummed nonchalantly, looking up at the ceiling. “You know, the other week Ty Lee told me about a dream where she turned into a talking prowler-monkey. Apparently, she could still chi-block and wanted to know if I thought she could still be a diplomat if that happened.”

“What did you say?”

“I said they probably wouldn’t be able to tell her apart from anyone else at the council meetings.”

Zuko laughed, loud and hard, and in a way that everyone in any of  _ his  _ council meetings would hate. 

Mai even graced him with another undignified snort. 

“So,” Mai said. 

“So,” Zuko said, poking her. 

“You want to...talk about whatever you have going on with Ty Lees 1, 2, 3 and 4? I’m dying to know more.”

“Don’t forget about Mai 2.”

Mai 1 raised an eyebrow. 

Zuko sighed. His eyes looked around the room, looking for another escape. Which, of course, he wouldn't find. “We’re just...going through...something.”

“Mmm,” Mai said. And waited. 

He hated it when she did this. 

Mostly because it always worked. 

“How are things with Ty—”

“Fine.” 

And she continued waiting. 

“And how is little Tom—”

“Great. Teething and all. Little monster.”

Waiting again. 

And Zuko was out of things Mai liked to talk about. 

He wasn't sure why he tried to hide when she was always able to see through him anyway; she would have turned on him years ago if she didn't like what was actually underneath. He sighed. And after all, Mai would be happier when they were done.

At least he was going to be comfortable when he did it. He looked over at her, kicking his feet to prop them on the headboard, sprawling only a little childishly. “It’s just...it’s...I like them. A lot. They’re great; it’s just...me. Okay?”

She continued waiting. He hated this. 

“It’s… It’s fine. I’m fine with it but… You know how you cared about Azula? And she was your friend and you cared about her?”

Mai nodded. 

“And you still knew she was...unstable. And was going to hurt people. And needed—” He blew a raspberry, sticking out his tongue, like that would make it easier. He hated talking. He hated saying words. At least Mai was cool. She poked him in the forehead again. “Even though we all care about her,  _ something  _ needed to happen. It was the best for everyone. And for her.”

He kicked his feet against the wood. 

“So. I guess I’m just trying...to figure out what’s best for everyone.”

He looked at her. 

Expressionless as always.

(Except, rarely nowadays - another bad remnant he supposed he was bringing back. If she was with Ty Lee she would probably be smiling. She’d probably be sleeping. She’d probably wake up to another one of Ty Lee’s fun dreams and not his annoying nightmares.)

“Mmm,” Mai said. This hum wasn’t her ‘I’m waiting’ hum; it was her ‘We’re done with this’ hum. 

Zuko was glad he passed  _ this  _ test, at least. 

“Hey,” Zuko said, twisting onto his stomach and grabbing her hand, giving a slight squeeze. “I’m glad you came back.”

She squeezed back, two times in quick succession, “I’m…” She took a deep breath, the way he knew Ty Lee had taught her to do before ‘feelings talk time’. Zuko loved feelings talk time (with Mai, at least, or anyone else that wasn’t him talking, but especially Mai.) “I am...glad that you asked me. To come back.” And grinned (in the Mai version) and only looked slightly in pain. 

“Anytime,  _ cherryblossom _ .”

“Don’t push it,  _ jerkface _ .” 

“Okay,  _ sweetheart _ , light and fire of the morning, radiant—”

“Continue and I will give your guards an actual assasination attempt to worry about.”

She picked up a pillow, threateningly, for emphasis. 

Zuko smiled. 

Then something ached, deep inside him, and he tried to stop it from turning into a grimace. 

If the change in Mai’s said anything, it was clear it didn’t work. 

“I’m tired,” Mai said, suddenly, curtly, like she always did when...it was time to be curt. “I want to go back to sleep.”

“Mmm,” Zuko replied. 

He laid back down. And Mai laid back down. And Zuko scooted towards her. And she didn’t move. And Zuko pushed his head into her shoulder, tangled his fingers in hers, and felt her finally start to breathe again. 

She let her other arm rest around him, and gently pushed her chin into the top of his head. “I hope you have the one about the talking prowler-monkeys.” 

Zuko smiled. 

And then slept. 

* * *

Suki threw a knife into the wall. 

It hit with a nice satisfying  _ thunk _ . 

Two feet away from the target. 

“You’re doing it wrong,” an emotionless voice said from the door. 

Suki threw another knife. 

It bounced off, clattering harshly and ricocheted...right towards the foot of the goth girl standing in the doorway. 

Mai swept an arm down and caught it without the slightest shift in her look of boredom. 

A month ago, Suki would have thought about how impressive that was. She would have been yelling about how cool that was. She would have been begging Mai for a spar. Now, she just wished Mai had slightly slower reflexes. God, she  _ hated  _ this. 

“You want to throw with your whole arm. Not just your elbow. Watch this.” And with that, as she always did when she returned to her element with a knife in her hand, Mai transformed. 

Her eyes sharpened, her arm came back; she did the entire follow-through, just like she said, the motion starting all the way in her core and radiating out to a blow that could have knocked a man down if he was in front of her. Instead, of course, the knife flew out of her hand and embedded perfectly, almost silently, in the middle of Suki’s target. 

“Thanks for the tip,” Suki said. 

Mai nodded. 

Out of prior experience, Suki knew she would now have to save getting the knife out of the wood for when Mai left to avoid embarrassing herself… because it would take all of her upper and lower body strength and then about five minutes of straining to get it out of the wood. 

“How’s Kyoshi?” Suki asked.

“It’s fine,” Mai said. 

Silence. 

Mai somehow produced another knife to fiddle with. 

“It’s nice,” she added. “Thank you for allowing me. The remaining Kyoshi Warriors have accommodated us quite kindly. It was...nice being there.”

“And now you’re back.”

Mai narrowed her eyes. Somehow, her blank face went from somewhat awkward and attempting to be kind to...aggressive. “And now I’m back. Wonder why that is.”

“Gee, I wonder,” Suki said. She wondered if it would be rude to start doing push-ups right now. Or beating the shit out of the dummy in the corner. 

“Zuko asked,” Mai said. And all lines of questioning left Suki’s head. “About a week ago. He asked me to come back. And I got back and he’s the way he is right now.”

_ Alone _ .  _ Fragile. Hurt.  _

“He’s being... I mean—” She wasn’t going to criticize Zuko. Or show how horrible of a friend she was to  _ Mai _ . “You know how he is.” Suki said. Mai would know. Even though Suki didn’t because she wasn’t trustworthy or worthy or worth anything anymore. 

“Yes.” Mai looked up, her eyes sharp and dangerous again. Which...what the fuck. “I do know how he is.”

Mai continued staring at her. 

Suki didn’t look away. 

Mai continued, staring and being strangely, seriously serious instead of seriously not-serious like usual. “I have a story from when Zuko and I were busy being nightmare children. Zuko was being all isolationist and all… And I couldn't figure out why. He didn’t want to see me, he kept avoiding me. All that typical Zuko-ness. And one day, I was talking to Azula. Turned out she had pushed him off the roof the week before. Apparently he thought that was just a thing people did. Wanted to avoid it happening again.” Mai looked at her, gaze flickering to one eye, then the other. “You understand?”

Suki swallowed and nodded. “Did you...make up?”

Mai exhaled, sharply, the faintest ghost of a smile crossing her features that no one other than her friends would notice. “I pinned him to a wall and made him talk to me. And now...you know how we are.”

“Mmm…” Suki said, glad she was right about that, at least. And...needing to get something off her chest that did cross over the line of how petty she was willing to be. “I’m sorry...by the way. About the other day. With Zuko. And I— I said thing about you and they weren’t true and were mean and not called for at all and I’m so sorry and you didn’t deserve that even if I did kind of hate you the past couple days—”

“Suki.”

Suki swallowed. 

“It’s fine.” Mai said. 

“What. Really?” 

Mai sighed, smiled microscopically. “I grew up in the Fire Nation. You learn pretty early to tell when people are mad at you and when they’re just mad.” 

Suki stared at her. She didn’t know what to say. Finally, she nodded, and looked at the ground. She scuffed at a bookmark she had left there. 

Finally, “Are you going back?” Suki asked. 

Mai sighed. Not a gloomy sigh - more...adult-y than anything else. “I have to. There’s a lot of things that need to happen. I’ll be back soon though. It’s nice, even with all this, to be back. It’s not— terrible to see you.” Mai, smiled, slightly. Her actual mouth even moved this time. “Zuko’s uncle said something like that to me once. He said, the tree that grows best is the one with permanent roots. Even if the tree spanned wide and continued growing, the oldest roots still need to grow strong to keep it in place.”

Suki nodded. 

“I mean, it was probably more inebriated old man ramblings, but it’s charming, isn’t it? To be a tree. Someone could chop me down and make a beautiful target out of me.” She sighed, her over-dramatic one that was 0.3 seconds longer than her bored one, and smirked, wickedly sharp.

“Well, I think I could find an ax, if you’re interested?” Suki nervously quipped back. 

Mai looked at her, cold, calculated. 

And then she  _ snorted _ . Actually  _ snorted _ . 

Suki couldn’t help it; she let out a cackle which made Mai snort  _ again _ , and the two of them devolved into unattractive, awful laughter.

The rest...would hopefully come with time. And, as Mai said, with a slightly firmer hand. 

* * *

Zuko didn’t mean to snoop. 

He really, really didn’t. 

He didn’t like spying, he didn’t like eavesdropping, he didn’t like...not trusting his friends. 

He was just...taking a walk. And happened to pass one of the training rooms. And happened to hear two voices...that he recognized...of two people that he didn’t know were on speaking terms right now. 

Two people laughing. Two people talking like close friends. 

Zuko understood; of course he did. 

Suki was amazing. Suki was strong, independent. She was wickedly smart and kind enough to never make you feel dumb about it. She was beautiful, funny, even with the dork-ist jokes that she would laugh all the way through, brave to a fault, and willing to do anything to protect the people she loved. 

Zuko had always been jealous of how she could be incredibly vulnerable without sacrificing a bit of her strength. Most of said strength came from how totally and easily and completely she cared about the people around her. Just a short bit ago, he would have listened to her about anything. Followed her anywhere. Trusted her on anything. (And even now, even with the change in how it would end for him, he still...was tempted.) 

He didn’t expect it to happen so fast. 

Actually, he didn’t expect it to happen at all. 

He thought Mai was safe. He thought Mai would...do what she always had. Be loyal, blunt, and safe. 

Maybe it was just too much to ask? Maybe Mai just shouldn’t have been dragged into all this? 

She was good. She was fine. She was safe, maybe not for him and his state of not-currently-being-dead, but she was free from any risk of harm, and wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t that what Zuko wanted? If Mai wasn’t at risk— if no one else was at risk—- did he really even have anything to worry about? 

The Avatar’s group would take care of each other, like they always did,continually proving they could and would and...always would. They were a tight group. Once you were in it, you were  _ in  _ it and none of them would betray each other. Zuko had seen it over and over again. 

It was heart-warming. It made his chest hurt. 

And Mai...Mai was wonderful. Mai would protect everyone, more so than almost anyone else, so what  _ really _ was there to worry about? 

She’d take care of his sister. His uncle. His...the people around him that he cared about. 

And she would have Ty Lee to take care of her. 

Mai was smart. Mai always thought things through. If she was here, quietly talking to Suki about knives and axes and blood, maybe...maybe there was merit to it. 

Maybe...maybe when Mai asked...talked about leaving again…

He would let her. 

It’d probably be good for her to be elsewhere when whatever happened, happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for disordered eating (anxiety over poison, anxiety leading to loss of appetite), mentions of injuries, descriptions of panic attacks, dissociation, mentions of past self-harm (mentioned in a flashback, Mai accidently cuts herself without realizing during a dissociative episode) also there are mentions of pain bringing Zuko and Mai back from dissociative episodes, mentions/depictions of hallucinations and paranoia, and passively suicidal thoughts, ala the last chapter, with Zuko considering letting them kill him.


	9. Attempt 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm switching to posting every other day. I am tired. <3
> 
> ALSO thank you to everyone for all of your lovely comments. I really, really suck at replying but I read all of them and they really make my day so huge thanks to anyone who has ever commented <3 <3 <3 I love how all of you are responding to this. 
> 
> TW in end notes.

Katara kept trying to corner him.

It was really...awkward. 

Like, Katara just wasn’t...very good at it. Plus, she always looked kinda sad when Zuko found another excuse to avoid her, which made Zuko feel bad, which didn’t really make sense because he knew she was just trying to corner him and kill him and make it look like some infection or something. 

So...it made sense why he was avoiding her, right? 

Right. 

Still awkward. 

It was always something like:

Katara: “I need to heal you.”

Zuko: “I’m fine.” 

And then Katara would say, “You should let me heal you.”

And Zuko would say, “No, seriously, I feel so much better already. You must just...your aura just...must be the...healing thing...I’ve heard Ty Lee talk about it, it’s super effective.” 

And then she’d narrow her eyes and say, “If it’s that much better, then show me.”

It was at this point that Zuko would start edging away to the door, but Katara was always quicker to go for the emotional jugular. She would shrug and say something impossible to dispute without coming off like a total asshole (“I’m a healer. I’m always interested in learning about new techniques like this. We could help a lot of people by knowing more about it. I’d love to analyze how it works” with an all-too-knowing smile), which forced Zuko to make some excuse about a crisis in the colonies and run-walk away quickly.

But...he was running out of feasible crises that could happen in the colonies. 

And willpower. 

So, when he heard a knock at his door that night, Zuko thought he was very, very justified in just...high-tailing it into the tunnels. 

He was not expecting them to already be occupied. 

“Hi Sparky.”

The voice rang out as soon as the mirror clicked shut, and Zuko _jumped_. 

“Toph...what the...how the...where...what the _fuck_?”

“I’m an earthbender. I see with my feet. You thought I wouldn’t notice a bunch of tunnels going through a whole palace made of rock? Not to mention the dramatic Fire Lord sulking through them at all hours of the night?”

Zuko blinked.

“Yeah, I really should have expected this.” Zuko sank down the wall of the tunnel, suddenly too tired to stand. “So...what now?”

Toph flopped down opposite him, poking his bare feet with hers. “Can Miss Sunshine hear us?”

Zuko snorted. Katara would probably be storming off to take her frustrations out on the Earth Kingdom forest-replanting regulations by now. “No, they are...very, very soundproof.” At Toph’s cocked head, he added, his verbal filter completely failing him, “I got locked in here as a kid and found out the hard way.”

“Oh,” Toph said. “O...kay.”

“I mean, it’s good to build problem-solving skills.”

“Sure,” Toph said, looking a little freaked out. Zuko figured maybe the tunnels were slightly creepy, like he felt when he was a kid. “She’s very fixated on you, you know. Spent most of the past two days trying to track you down.”

“Well, seems a lot of people are ‘fixated’ on me these days.” 

“Yeah, no fucking kidding.” 

“Who taught you that word?”

“What word?” Toph cocked her head innocently.

“You know which word.”

“Yeah, I fuckin’ do. And that’s none of your business. I’m 13 now, I deserve to swear.”

“I mean...you know what, sure.” Zuko tilted his head back against the wall,enjoying the cool feel...enjoying Toph’s presence, ignoring the pain still criss-crossing his chest that had blurred into a constant over the past...however long. Two days. Maybe three. Definitely three. 

Gods, he was tired. And the rock felt so nice. And Toph was talking about...something, her voice excited, which meant it was one of their friends doing something stupid and dangerous. It was nice. It was really, really nice. 

If things got a little...if he just got a little...it’d be fine, right?

It’d be...it’d be....

* * *

Zuko woke to the feel of hands wrapping around his throat again— losing any ability to— no— can’t breathe— he couldn’t— breathe— breathe— c’mon Zuko, fight _back_ — 

“Bite this,” an authoritative voice said, and shoved something in his mouth. Immediately, his teeth clamped down. 

Sharp bitterness flooded his mouth, and he spat whatever it was _out,_ coughing and retching, and hacking half a lung out. 

“Toph, what the fuck.”

“You were freaking out, I’ve heard lemons help. Apparently, it works.”

Zuko gave her a suitably angry “Mhmph” and went back to spitting the taste out of his mouth. 

“You have a good nap?”

“Huh? Did I…” Fuck, he did. “Sorry, I...sorry.”

“S’all good Sparky. You’re lucky you look cute when you’re knocked out.”

_That wasn’t a threat, Toph was just like that, c’mon Zuko, you know these things, you know these things, you know—_

“Not that I would know, of course,” she said, wiggling her toes towards Zuko’s face. 

_See, a joke._

Relief filled him, even as he tried to swat away her feet, always surprisingly filthy. 

“How long was—”

Toph cut him off with a snort. “Oh, really? Oh...probably like, an hour? Maybe more. I don’t know, I nodded off too. These floors are surprisingly comfortable, but that’s the value of some good, high-quality dirt.” 

“Mhmmph.” 

“So…” Toph said. 

“So…” Zuko said back. 

Zuko felt a creeping sense of doom. Which was surprisingly comforting! So familiar. So...fun. Well, okay, yes, it was fun. And it was nice to know what to expect. Threatening as the gremlin could be, it was still really good to be around her again. 

“Some people are trying to...you know. Pin you down? Actually take care of you?" Toph said. "Force you to finally fucking sleep. Eat a fruit. Or whatever.” 

Zuko sighed.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Yeah.” 

“Well, you did. Find me. I guess. What now, Sifu Toph?” He was still so exhausted, gods. Maybe Toph was right about this dirt. It was really soft...

“...lp and you should let them— are you even listening to me?” Toph snapped. 

“Yep. Sorry. Got every word.”

“Good. So, you should, you know. Let them. That’s all. I mean, I’m not gonna hide your little secret spy tunnel forever. Eventually you’ve gotta, you know. I mean, it’s fucking Miss Sunshine. And The Avatar. And Miss Badass Warrior of Awesomeness. And Sokka. I mean, it’s _Sokka_. They gotta know what they’re doing, right?”

“Right.”

“Right.”

“Right…” 

Toph sighed, looked strangely sad for a second before changing to her usual angry eyes and clenched fists. “That’s all I have to fucking say. Do what you want, I guess. But— you know.”

“You’re with them?” Zuko said, suddenly strangely brave. 

“I’m…” She shouldn’t look so sad, why did she start looking sad? He felt guilty, again, asking all this of a 13-year-old. “I’m with them, of course.” 

Zuko felt his stomach drop and his neck ached again. 

“ _But_ —” Toph added, “that doesn’t mean I’m against _you_.”

Zuko’s eyebrows knit together and he felt another headache coming on. Except, maybe that was just from him slamming his head a few nights ago. Either way, the edges of his vision went a little bit fuzzy. 

Toph continued, “I think maybe you just don’t always know what’s best. For yourself. Or the people around you.” Images of Ba Sing Se, of the South Pole, of the last year flitted through his head. “Just...give it a thought.”

Zuko swallowed, once, twice, and then gritted his jaw and nodded, put on a smile even though she couldn’t see it. 

With that, Toph gave him the same mocking salute as always, and Zuko laughed and she left and he was alone. 

In compromised tunnels that were no longer safe, infiltrated, no, not infiltrated, Toph was a _friend_ — the last safe that now would be given over and over taken by people who wanted to kill him

In a palace with another overpowered asset that wanted him dead. At least Toph would probably kill him creatively.

But, Zuko still didn’t want that. Right? 

Then again...

 _Maybe you don’t always know what’s best._

Years of being brainwashed, being so easily manipulated, again and again, by evil people— obviously he didn’t know what was best. He _knew_ he didn’t know that. 

Right? 

Right. 

Which is why he always listens to people around him. Which is why he’s a strong ruler. Which is why he’s so easily manipulated. Which is why he’s weak. Which is why the slightest person with the slightest sway can make him do anything, again, like a little puppet that someone would want to throw out before they can do actual harm. 

_Maybe you don’t always know what’s best for yourself._

Obviously he wasn't good for himself. Getting himself burned and banished at 13, then constantly almost killing himself with his own idiocy for three years and not succeeding solely because of who knows what spirit aggressively keeping him alive for who knows what reason.

But, maybe the luck was running out. Maybe he had served his purpose. 

It was a good run. He’d had some good times— more than he ever expected— put more good into the world than he ever could have hoped. 

It was a really, really good run. 

Probably better than he deserved. 

_Maybe you don’t always know what’s best. For yourself. Or the people around you_. 

If he couldn’t see reality, couldn’t even see what wagon he had fallen off to get himself here, how could he expect to be a good ruler? Or...even a good friend. He didn’t know what was best. He probably never did, and it was nice of them to indulge them for so long. He couldn’t know who his friends were. He couldn’t know who his enemies were. He couldn’t know couldn’t know what was kind and what was cruel. It wasn’t worth putting effort into him anymore. 

He wasn’t an asset, he wasn’t an enemy; he was just a used up prince that had served his purpose. He was a liability that had to be taken care of. 

It was a good run. 

He had a lot of really good times. 

He and Aang running through the courtyards, Aang insisting on playing “hide and scare,” some game he used to play with his friends long ago, and making all of their current friends join in. Zuko lost, hard. And he loved it. 

Toph, her eyes bright and excited and filled with barely-restrained chaos.. For her birthday, Zuko gave her the go-ahead to demolish the Caldera towers. Which, as a show of peace and dismantling military might (since they were only used to deter a “possible” invasion), Zuko wanted gone. The rest of them had a picnic, Suki and Aang baking up a storm the night before and Sokka, Katara, and Zuko getting resoundingly banned from the kitchens. 

Sokka and Suki and quiet nights by the ocean. When it got really loud, for any of them, their brains messy and harsh, somehow they would all just _know_ . They’d grab some food, maybe a bottle of wine, and head down to the beachfront, roleplay as normal kids, only having to worry about getting away from their parents and being nervous around their crush. Suki would pretend to be an overconfident school boy trying to woo Zuko, the bashful, nervous young lady who loved him but was _so afraid_ to do anything. And then Sokka would come in, usually as an angry parent but sometimes as an attacking dragon or Spirit World liaison or whatever he dreamed up that day. 

They had some really, really good times. 

Finally, a friend he didn’t have to lie to. He told Toph he'd think about it, and he _was_ thinking about it. 

He didn’t think he’d be able to _stop_ thinking about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hallucinations, mentions of head trauma, mentions of child abuse/neglect, passively suicidal thoughts (Zuko becoming more okay with letting them kill him), mentions of choking, descriptions of nightmares and panic attacks


	10. Attempt 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Y'all wanted confrontation? Right?  
> Let's see how it works out :)
> 
> Also, our boy finally gets some SLEEP! Hope that improves things...
> 
> TW in end
> 
> UPDATE 11/15: We are...having some computer issues. I am not sure when we will be able to get the next chapter up. It will def be within the coming week I am just not sure exactly when. I want to be able to make this chapters as well-formatted and warned as possible for you all. Thank you for understanding. <3

Toph told him to think about it, and he decided that probably meant he had at least a night to sleep in the tunnels. 

He wasn’t going to sleep where she left him, of course, he wasn’t an  _ idiot _ . Occasionally. 

Instead, he found one of the store rooms that connected to a back end of the bunker and found the one palette left from moving some shit or other. All that mattered was that it was  _ wood  _ and  _ wooden  _ and he could sleep on it. 

He passed the fuck out, not even noticing where one board scraped into his cheek. 

His sleep was full of nightmares and him dying and then his friends dying and Sokka dying and Suki dying and Katara dying and Toph dying and Mai dying and Ty Lee dying and everyone dying and his sister being fine and alive and miserable and thinking that was worse and then dying. He dreamed that he was dying, and he kept waking up, surprised to find out he was alive and, in relief, going back to sleep, only to die once again. 

But, it was  _ sleep _ . It was amazing. 

He woke up one hundred percent clear. 

He wasn’t going to die. He  _ refused  _ to die. He hadn’t yet, he wasn’t going to waste Agni’s good graces, he wasn’t going to die. 

Yes, Suki wanted— wanted him dead. And Katara and Aang, and Toph— they had all told him, hadn't they? Yes. He knew that. Now that he wasn’t muddled by lack of sleep and his own weak mind, he understood what they were trying to tell him. They wanted to take care of him. They were tired. They wanted him to stop distracting them, stop needing things, stop taking away their valuable time when the world needed them. When they deserved to have time away from all—this. Away from having to constantly tell him what was real and what wasn’t, his absurd fears keeping him from eating or sleeping unless they held his hand through the whole thing like a  _ child _ , having to protect him from almost dying every two seconds and getting themselves hurt in the process. They deserved to enjoy their lives, and they couldn’t do that with him here. 

The problem is that he also knows what will happen. For the one person left who didn't want him dead —and the ones who did— Zuko will do what has to be done. They could kill him later, if they still wanted to— if they still needed to. Zuko had to live now, just for now.

If he died, then Sokka would die too. It was that simple. 

And if Sokka died, then Suki would die. And if Suki died, Katara would die. And if Katara died, Toph would die and if Toph died then Aang would have no one left and terrible things would happen to everyone and everything. And then Aang would die. 

They were all going to die. Zuko knew this with absolute certainty; he had seen it, over and over and over again. 

And he wasn’t going to let it happen. 

He got back to his room, sparing a moment to pull on shoes and then spared more time for the actual important stuff: the Dao swords, a few knives, rations, a map —Sokka  _ loved  _ maps— first aid supplies, another knife and quick prayer to Agni. Then he was gone. 

Something on his face stung, and his throat hurt and his chest burned and he still thought he had residual electricity bouncing around somewhere but it was  _ fine _ . 

They weren’t going to die. 

No.

He just had to get himself out, so he could get Sokka out. If Sokka was okay, then the rest of them would be okay. Sokka would be able to protect them, so he just needed to make sure Sokka was okay. He’d be able to figure the rest out after that was done. 

Wait, no, he couldn’t take the hallway, hallways were bad. 

Ground is bad. Roof it is. 

Roofs were always better anyway. 

So, Zuko ended up on the roof, shoes on, maybe not super dressed, but packed and weaponized to his full potential and that was what mattered. 

Sitting on the ledge above Sokka’s room. 

He heard two voices talking and realized he couldn’t feel the sting on his cheek anymore. Actually, he couldn’t really feel anything anymore. At least his chest wasn’t hurting again. 

“We just need a few more days, it’ll be fine.”

“There isn’t time, you know what she said, we have to be  _ direct _ . We should just pin him down and force him to—”

“Suki!” 

“Sokka!" A pause. "Sorry. You’re right. A few more days. We have a few more days, right? He’ll be fine for a few more days?”

“Of course he will. He—” 

_ They were talking about him.  _

But, he couldn’t dwell on that. It wasn’t anything he didn’t already know, and there were more important things to deal with. He shouldn’t be surprised. He was right. And, they were too. They usually were. They had full reason to kill him. They just didn’t realize what would happen  _ after _ . But Zuko knew, he couldn’t  _ explain it _ , but he knew it like he knew in his gut that brushing his hair before brushing his teeth would lead to a letter of his sister’s death and drinking oolong on a Sunday would lead to rebels burning his uncle’s shop down, he  _ knew  _ it. And he was going to stop it. Later, they could kill him, later when things were more stable. 

He heard feet padding away (Suki’s of course, of course he knows the difference in their footsteps) and a door shut, and he rolled cleanly into the room. 

“Hey Zuko,” Sokka said. “ _ Wait, Zuko—” _

Within a moment, Zuko had a hand over his mouth and hissed, “Be. Quiet. Do you really want anyone hearing us?” 

Sokka’s eyes widened then, scrunched together and he gave a...nod. Maybe not a super sure one, but it was a nod, which meant agreement, and Zuko. Was. Taking. It. 

He took his hand off Sokka’s mouth. Was his skin always that soft? Wait, stay on track. But his mouth was so— No, c’mon, Zuko, focus.

“We need to leave,” Zuko said. 

“What?” Sokka said. 

“We need to leave. Now. Get your sword, let’s go.”

“Zuko, wait, what, what’s happening—” 

This was taking too long. He made his way off the bed and found Sokka’s shoes to throw at him. 

“Zuko— oof, Zuko wait—”

“Put them on— where’s the sword?”

“It’s...under the bed, wait—”

Zuko grabbed it by the sheath and thrust it, hilt first, at Sokka. 

“Do you have an overshirt or a wrap? It’s kind of chilly.”

“Zuko, why do we need to leave?”

“Just, trust me. If we don’t leave, something really bad is going to happen. I'll do everything I can to make sure you're safe. I know...I haven't done a good job so far but, I'll do better. I promise. Bad things will happen if we stay. I can't— I can't let that happen to you. Any of you. So, let’s go.”

“What—”

“I know, crazy, right? But, I think that if we leave now, everything will be fine. And everyone will be fine. We could go to Gaoling. See the market there. You like to shop. We could shop. It could be nice. Right? Right. I think. I think it could be so nice. It’s gonna be nice, right?”

Zuko didn’t know when he had grabbed Sokka’s hand or Sokka had grabbed his but either way, he was squeezing the life out of Sokka’s fingers and kind of felt bad but also kind of didn’t really have control over it. Huh, he could feel his hand again. And his heartbeat, loud, inside of his skull. 

“I mean, I think Toph said that they sell starfruit there, in the summer; it might be in season, and I know you said you haven’t tried that before and it might be nice, you know. I’ve heard the weather is good, well, Toph said the weather is good, but you can’t trust that— The weather. You can’t trust the weather. So...unpredictable.”

Sokka wasn’t saying anything. He only had one shoe on. 

“You only have one shoe on.”

“Zuko, you’re scaring me,” Sokka said, his voice weak, fragile, in that way it gets when he’s trying not to cry. Not good. Fuck. 

“I’m sorry. Do you want a cookie?”

Zuko had some cookies, snuck from his rations that he had hidden and forgotten and then found again earlier that night. Morning? No, it was nighttime. 

“Sure.”

Zuko gave him a cookie. These were cocoa-covered and he was  _ certain  _ they were safe. 

“I bought them in disguise. In the village. So, they’re safe. If you were...wondering.”

“Do you want half?”

“I’m good.” He still couldn’t get  _ himself  _ to eat them but...who knows what that was about. Too many vivid memories of food and eating and then his throat closing up and he hated the aftertaste of bile. Not to mention his chest already hurt; he wasn’t in the mood for the retching today. 

Zuko stared at Sokka’s feet. He had a new scar on the top of one of them. The one without a shoe on. He hadn’t told Zuko how he got that one. Or maybe he had. Maybe Zuko just forgot. 

“I don’t...think I can go to Gaoling with you—”

“I mean, we could go anywhere, Gaoling was just a suggestion, if you—”

“That wasn’t the point!” Sokka snapped and...shit. Oh no, he was crying. Actually crying. This was bad, this wasn’t supposed to happen. “I— Zuko... Look, I know… I know you’re scared. I  _ know _ . And I just…I know you’re trying. But, I’m— We’re  _ all  _ trying. And I just...I want you to be better and I just...I’m so sorry. I usually know what to do but this...I have no idea how to fix it. At all.”

“You could come to—”

“I’m not going to Gaoling! I don’t understand why you think running away from  _ everything  _ will help anything. I don’t understand why you think that we wouldn’t have  _ your _ interests in mind. Why we wouldn’t want what’s  _ best  _ for you. Why we wouldn’t  _ care  _ about what happens to you. I don't understand why you can’t just  _ trust  _ us.”

Sokka pressed at the point in Zuko’s hand, the part he knows always gets tense after writing, and his whole hand unfurls, Sokka gently massaging into the sore muscles, pressing into the tension, holding his hand through it. 

“I mean...wouldn’t...I mean, you’re right, right? A change would be nice. A  _ break _ would be nice. Having someone  _ take care  _ of you. Right?”

Zuko didn’t know, didn’t want to know what Sokka meant with the emphatic and clear subtext for...something. For...well, Zuko knew what for. 

He really was stupid to think ‘the Plan Guy’ wouldn’t be part of the whole plot. 

“Right.”

The non-bender dynamic duo, another thing crossed off their list of necessary improvements— changing the world, one Fire Nation Nuisance down at a time.

“Zuko...please? You could stay here tonight? Suki will be back soon, Katara could help, we’d all be here… It’d be peaceful...you could get some rest. Get away from it all. It’d be nice, right?”

Carefully, painfully, Zuko took his hand out of Sokka’s grip. 

Handed him back his sword. 

Smiled. 

Said, “I’ll think about it,” and left before Sokka could argue. 

Before they could try an ambush. Before Sokka could finish convincing him. Before Zuko could fully become a coward and go back to them. 

He went back into the night air, somehow colder than before. Dimly, Zuko raised a hand to his face and realized there was blood on it. The sting he felt behind his eyes must just be from that. The dull ache in his heart was from old injuries, nothing more. 

They’d be fine. Without him. They didn’t need him to protect them. They didn’t need him at all. 

He went back to his room and spent the whole night unbothered —for the first time in a long time— and for the first time in a long time he wanted to be bothered. 

He decided to sleep, whether or not he'd wake up dead, and hope for...as much rest as possible. 

Whatever rest as the gods would decide to give him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of death/dying/fear of dying and loved ones dying (unspecified ways), sleep deprivation, disordered eating (due to fear over poison, along with anxiety), dissociation, blood/minor injury (Zuko gets a cut on his cheek that he doesn't notice or take care of, along with mentions of past injuries), passively suicidal thoughts, paranoia, delusions, obsessive-compulsive tendencies  
> Also, this can super be read/reminiscent of a manic episode even though it is not explicitly written as that, just to give warning
> 
> UPDATE 11/15: We are...having some computer issues. I am not sure when we will be able to get the next chapter up. It will def be within the coming week I am just not sure exactly when and I want to be able to make this chapters as well-formatted and warned as possible for you all. Thank you for understanding. <3


	11. Attempt 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends!  
> Guess who is finally updating? XD  
> I got slammed real hard with finals yall. Like...real hard. For some reason American colleges rn are like...thankgiving break means you have time to do work? Right? And then have time for final projects of semester? And then have time for finals and final papers? Your free holiday time? Is for me?  
> Anyway, so I FINALLY got some time to edit these last bits.  
> Thank you all so much for coming on this ride with me. We have one more chapter that is DONE and EDITED and I'll put up tomorrow.  
> <3  
> Please, please, check out this AMAZING instrumental/video by scarlet, you can check it out [here](https://youtu.be/HemKVSyvNxA) or you can view it in page in the text, it's truly amazing and the team behind this work has been incredible, please check them all out.  
> TW in end notes

Zuko waited all night. And the next day, going to his meetings, ignoring shadows in the corner, waiting for the inevitable. 

And then another night. 

And then another day of meetings. 

Zuko stayed in the throne room, after his afternoon council meeting. Where they scheduled a meeting for next week with that general who probably wants to kill him. Luckily, because of Zuko’s friends, the general wouldn’t get a chance. And, with how exhausting and irritating this meeting was, Zuko was almost excited for the break he was going to get soon.

He had too much to do and too much distracting him in his silent office. Too many noises of people who weren’t there, when he could be around people who were real. He’d get time to be alone later. 

He liked his conference room. He enjoyed the feeling of a place that used to have bodies. Servants still flickered through, clearing cups and scraps of paper and sparing him a smile. 

His nose twitched at the smell of baked buns, wafting through the air. His stomach rumbled and he absently pressed a hand on it. Not today. Not now. Maybe...tomorrow. If he was still around. He could manage tomorrow. 

Still, he was jealous of whoever got that lunch. 

He thought of his food store, hidden among the pallets. He snuck away some dried meats and nuts a few days ago. They should be fine. He’d only eat a few, just to be sure. Not too much, just in case. 

He could take poison in small doses; he’d done it before. 

Zuko had almost drifted off to the peace of tariff numbers, signing documents, writing short notes a scribe could easily handle notes— 

—a surprise hand touched his shoulder, and he _jerked_. Another hand righted the ink pot in front of him before it could spill, and he looked up to see...everyone. 

Aang, Katara, Toph...Suki. 

And Sokka. 

His heart jumped, and ached, and sunk inside his chest. 

“Eat,” Suki said, dropping a plate down in front of him. 

On it sat one single, perfectly made, steamed bun. 

He had been waiting, he should be ready. 

He thought about it, about getting rest, about Suki’s hands on his throat, and a sudden fear rammed into him. Not right now, not yet. Just a few more minutes. Just a little more time. Maybe they would sit down with him and talk and he’d pretend everything was how it was, just for another hour with them. 

And then he’d eat it. 

“I’m not hungry,” Zuko said, with a winning smile, looking up at Suki. 

“I don’t believe you,” she said. 

_New tactic._

“You look great today. Really. I never mentioned it but...I think the leave did you really well. You look healthier. More rested. It seemed good for you. I’m happy...you took it.”

Suki nodded, swallowing noticeably thickly. Zuko didn’t meant to cause whatever pain he accidentally ran into— 

“Not that you don’t! Usually. You always look good. You got more freckles when you were gone. They look nice.” Zuko smiled. Suki still looked sad. 

Zuko had thought, eventually, he would get to spend more time with them. That they would get more time to figure out what they were and what they could be. There was no use trying to make something coming fresh off a war while they were too busy learning how to not be scared to feel anything else. Zuko thought he didn’t know how to love or how to recognize it. But, now he knew how he felt. Had felt. Would feel until the end. 

He was sure Suki and Sokka would be happy together though. They were always so good together. Zuko was happy enough just thinking about it. The two of them would have plenty of time. And Zuko was fine that he wouldn’t get any more with them. He had gotten more than enough. He had gotten more love than he ever thought he would just a few years ago.

“Sit with me?” Zuko asked them, looking over at Aang —his head freshly shaved, his arrows standing out proud, the smile gone from his face and a weight on his shoulders he didn’t deserve, but he had always been so good, he deserved the break after this was done— 

Toph. Gremlin Child. Demon. His best friend. One of five best friends. Along with the other two who weren’t here right now. 

Images of Mai and Ty Lee flitted around in his brain. His birth family had taught him one good thing, at least. Say every goodbye like you mean it. 

Katara sat next to him. “Zuko, please? It’s all bland, Suki made it herself! She knows what you like, it’s all—”

Suki— Not yet, he couldn’t, not yet, he just needed a little more time, he’d be ready soon. 

Suki made it. He trusted her. It would be her, taking care of him. Just like they both wanted. She always knew how to do the roughest things in the gentlest way. 

Katara brushed the hair off his forehead. He wasn’t sure when it had come down from the top knot. Had she taken it out? The headache that had been accompanying him for days was gone; instead, it was just the soft press of Katara’s hand as she...said something. 

He pulled himself back. These were his last moments with his friends. He was going to be here for them. He was going to remember every last bit of them. And enjoy them. 

Aang pressed into his other side — _no, he didn’t flinch_ — warm and solid. 

Sad as it was and as much as he loved Mai and Ty Lee, and yes, even his sister —Agni, he hoped Azula would be fine, they would make sure Azula would be fine, right?— he didn’t think he had ever had fun until this group. Proper fun. The kind where he forgot he was supposed to be scared all the time, forgot to be looking for hints it would be his last day, forgot to look for their weaknesses, just in case. 

It was Aang. It was all Aang. One of the strongest people Zuko had ever met. 

Zuko looked at him. They were all quiet? Why were they all so quiet?

Probably just giving him time. Zuko would take it. They had always been so good, even now, even in how they would bring this chapter of their lives to an end. 

And Aang smiled at him. Bright, a new chip in one tooth that he had gotten from trying to ride a hippo-lizard and refused to let Katara heal. He would miss out on so many stories. But, it was worth it, for the ones he had gotten so far. 

“Your tooth is still chipped.” Zuko said. 

Aang pushed his tongue at it, checking. “Right you are, hot man!” he exclaimed. 

The same stupid slang as always. The same enthusiasm. Zuko felt contendness at him, at _his_ friends settle deep inside him. 

He’d be ready. Soon. 

He took a look at the bun. It looked really good. 

Suki’s cooking always did. 

He had to admit it was time. Soon. He wasn’t ready, but it was time. He’d be ready in a few minutes. 

Sokka startled him, sitting on the table in front of him, unorthodox, irreverent, as always, breaking the silence that Zuko hadn’t even noticed, hadn’t even known this group of disorderly world-saviors were capable of. 

They were all getting better. And they were recovering from everything the war had forced them into. They were getting happier. They were going to be okay. Whatever happened next--Sokka would invent even more amazing things, Aang would spread more joy everywhere he went and recover, not just the temples, but his whole people’s way of life. Katara would spar every bender (and non-bender) she could get her hands on and beat literally every single one. Toph would tear apart all the elitism or just...laws she thought were unfair wherever they all go. They would travel together. They would stay together.

They’d all take care of each other. 

And Suki would take care of him. 

Suki. Beautiful. Capable. Amazing. He didn’t need to describe them anymore. He knew. He knew these were the most important people in his life. He knew that they had changed him, in a way that could never be taken back by anyone. 

He had been blessed to get what he had gotten. The months he had with them was a gift that...nothing else could ever measure up to. They were the best thing that had happened to him. 

Sokka had asked him something. 

“What?” Zuko asked, too distracted by memorizing Sokka’s face, Suki’s shoulders — healed now, thank god—, Aang’s smile, Toph’s bun, her angry scowl, her expressions coming through her feet or through a boulder to the shins, Katara’s hair and her laugh, that he’d probably never hear again but knew well enough to play perfectly in his mind. He’d remember all of them. Everything. 

“Are you okay?” Sokka asked. He was holding his hand. It was nice. Zuko was happy. 

“Yeah.” He breathed out, a real smile on his face. 

And it was mirrored back on his friends. Relief. They understood. He was fine with it. He wasn’t going to fight. He was fine with it, he understood, he wasn’t mad. He wouldn’t fight them. And, they’d all get to be free, and go travel the world together, happy and at peace, in a few short moments. 

Suddenly, Zuko felt the need to say something come over him. “Right, I just. I have something to say. Quick. Before— It’ll just take a second. I just wanted to say that...I’m really grateful. To have you all. As my friends. And I still consider you that way, I always will if...If whatever. And I truly do with the best for all of you. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. Much more than I ever expected and much more than I ever deserved. I hope you all are happy, after all this is done. I just...I really want you all to be happy. ” 

He got pulled, a hand fisted in his tunic, fast, he wasn't expecting it to be this way, but okay, bracing for the impact, for the pain, for the darkness at the end— 

Nothing. 

He was pulled into Sokka’s chest. He was warm. Smelled like fresh bread. Probably from being in the kitchens with Suki. Someone, two people, leaned against his back. A hand on his shoulder. Another person, at his front, their arms around him. 

He was so, so happy. 

He memorized this last moment, 

Enjoyed the feeling of the warm air, knowing it was sunset outside, the sun leaving along with Agni, a blessed way to die that they had given to him. 

Enjoyed the smell of fresh food, Suki’s perfume, the rain that always accompanied Katara. 

Enjoyed knowing the five people around him, for the final time. 

He drew back. Gave them a moment to step back, to commit their faces one last time, the relieved grins on all of their face. They were happy. And he was ready. He was truly, really ready. 

He took a breath, smiled. 

Then said,

“Alright. Go ahead. Do it.” 

* * *

Zuko finally looked at the five people sitting around him. It took everything in Sokka not to wince at the dark circles under his eyes, the still healing cut on the bottom of his cheek that had been oozing blood, a scab that had since been torn open and smearing all over the side of his face when he visited him last night, the sheer...loneliness in his eyes. 

“Alright. Go ahead. Do it.”

Sokka’s stomach churned at the determined look on Zuko’s face because….what in the higgity heck was he talking about? 

Sokka remembered Zuko before they left, his complete and total conviction that things he was seeing and the things his friends were telling him were _not_ real. At all. How Sokka had to hold him, tight and hard, when he found Zuko up in the middle of the night, dressing in white, and remarking, casually, with tears in his eyes that he had to go to Azula’s funeral. That he had to go find who killed her. Because he knew she was dead. And Sokka had gripped him, kept him from running himself ragged looking for nothing until he got himself actually hurt, kept him from looking for a way to get hurt so he wouldn't have to feel anything, listened to him tell Sokka that he wasn’t good enough and he was the reason his sister was dead. And Sokka had to wait and keep him in his arms and try to argue with someone who couldn’t hear him at all until Zuko calmed down enough to listen. And then Sokka had said okay, had gotten dressed, and woken up Suki and then had gone to visit Azula. Who was alive and fine and okay.

And now Sokka was realizing that Zuko’s convictions had turned on them. 

And Sokka hadn’t even noticed. 

Aang was the first one to ask, clearly afraid of the answer but braver than Sokka who was _terrified_. “Zuko. Umm... do what?”

Zuko frowned. 

“Kill me.” 

You could hear a pin drop. 

Sokka could feel the bones falling out of him, the blood in his veins turning to ice, the panic setting in. 

None of them moved and Zuko’s face went from acceptance to confusion to realization.

“Oh, um...did you, did you want—” Zuko took a breath. Looked at his hands. Then, back up at them. Sokka wanted to grab him and hold him and squeeze him until he didn’t believe any of them could ever want him dead— 

And then Zuko said, “Did you want me to do it?” 

He looked around, a little desperate, and stupid, stupid Sokka was too stunned to move. 

Too slow to do something before Zuko’s face settled in acceptance and his hand caught on fire. 

The room was still for a second. 

_What the fudge. What the fudge. What the—_

The room was still for a single second

And then it erupted all at once. 

Earth shackles sprung up to latch Zuko’s wrists to the ground at the same time that water coursed over him and froze over his hands at the same time that Aang tackled Zuko, his arm twisting unnaturally inside the restraints, and they all heard the _‘crack’_ ring out. 

Through it all, Zuko didn’t make a sound. Only a small exhale as his wrist broke, and he ducked his head again. Like this is exactly what he expected. 

“What the _fuck_ was that Zuko?” Sokka yelled, not even recognizing his own voice. 

“A poisoning would never _work_! There’s been assasination attempts every week, if you guys want...this then you can just...do it. I mean, you’re the Avatar. And the Avatar’s friends. You’ve already taken out on Fire Lord, if the next one isn’t up to snuff, no one would protest if you...you know...” 

Sokka didn’t know. 

None of them answered. 

None of them knew. 

Zuko’s face became blank again. “Took care of it.” 

Aang softly asked, “Is that...what you thought? This whole time, you thought _we_ , your _friends_ , were trying to do... _that_?”

Zuko tilted his head, “Is that...not what you were doing?” 

_Oh_. 

Oh no. 

Sokka was thrown back, suddenly, into the memories of all the things he _should_ have noticed, he _should_ have known— 

—Zuko asking, “What I, uh, what I could do” to fix things. In a _meeting_ with Sokka, one of his closest friends, formal like it was a trial , all fight gone from him, shoulders tense like he was ready for an attack—

—Zuko’s arms, scabbed from something he wouldn’t mention, his knuckles, tension in his side like there’s a fresh wound—

—“I mean, these things happen— I mean they shouldn’t and I would hate for any of you to ever”—

—“It’s not usually this bad! I’m so sorry!” Zuko pleading, his eyes wide and looking at things that weren’t there, what Sokka thought was fear of this imaginary assassin was fear of _him_ —

—Sokka saying, “It’d be peaceful...you could get some rest. Get away from it all. It’d be nice, right?” And Zuko’s face falling and looking away, blood still on his cheek—

—And Zuko saying “I’ll think about it”—

And now, Sokka realized….

 _Oh_. 

Now Sokka knew what Zuko meant. 

Sokka had never felt so stupid in his life.

“How could you think that?” Katara hissed, her hand already tight on a flask at her hip, “How could you— We’re like—,” Even as Zuko flinched, Katara looked close to tears. “I thought you were like...we were like family. We...we _care_ about you.” 

Zuko looked up at her, determination still in his eyes, “I know. I didn’t mean to doubt that. And I’m sorry.” He smiled at her. Gods, he was trying to comfort _her_ . “I understand! It’s fine! Katara, it’s _fine_. Caring about someone isn’t the same as not wanting to hurt them.” 

Aang made a punched-out noise and slid onto the ground next to Zuko. 

Sokka wanted to sink into the floor and away from all this. 

He wanted to _fix_ this but didn’t know how. With it...this bad, how could Sokka fix this? Other than just finding a way back into the spirit world and making it so that none of this ever happened, so that they didn't make whatever mistake led to all of this

None of them spoke. How could they know what to say? That they were sorry? Like that would make up for any of this? 

Zuko was the first to speak again, softly, still in that voice like _he_ was comforting _them_ , trying to make them feel like this was all okay. Which Sokka couldn’t accept. Not when he knew what Zzuko was trying to convince them of. 

“I mean...if this is what you all think is best,” Zuko said. “I’m not gonna stop you. I… You’re all too—” He cut himself off, absently tugging at his restraints in a way that made Sokka’s stomach churn but Zuko didn’t even seem to _notice._ “—I just won’t.” 

Sokka racked his brain, trying to think of what to say, what would fix this, what he could do other than go back to the desert and beg a way to time travel off of Wa Shi Tong so he could go back to when things were okay— so he could sit on Zuko and tell him how much he loved him until Zuko believed him. 

Maybe that would still work. Since, well, Zuko was already pinned down. 

And looking around, Katara was crying. Aang was crying. Toph...shit. That was her crying, while trying very hard not to cry, face. Toph frantically wiped at her eyes again, her nose red. 

Suki's face was frozen, her eyes narrowed, her lips pressed together, her back straight, but Sokka knew her thoughts were racing, figuring something out.

Sokka didn’t think he could take another one of the people he was in love with ‘figuring something out’. 

“—was it me?” Suki’s voice rang out, hard and determined, her eyes glinting like she was ready for a fight even though Sokka couldn't tell which moves she was going to use, let alone how she felt about all of this.

“What,” Zuko said. 

“Was. It. Me. The first person that tipped you off to all this, was it me?” she asked again. 

He sighed, tugged at his wrist again. Which was probably broken. He really shouldn’t be doing that. But Zuko just looked down, nodded, and then frantically added, “Not that it was, you know, _super_ obvious. I mean, I assumed, you wanted me to know? You know, to like, try to fix it. Which I didn’t. Which is totally and completely, obviously on me. Sorry about that. I mean, I tried, but it just didn’t...work out. It wasn’t your fault though! At all! And you did a great job! You were great.” He smiled, painfully at her. 

“Okay. Thank you.” She sighed. Then, crouched in front of Zuko. “You won’t fight? At all?” 

Zuko swallowed. “No. Not if you don’t want me to.”

“Great.” She cracked her knuckles, “Alright, I guess... you’re giving us our opportunity. Anyone here who wants to kill the Fire Lord, go ahead.” 

No one moved. 

“Anyone, anyone at all? He apparently won’t fight and is injured and cuffed to the floor so...take a whack if you want?”

Not a single sound.

“Apparently there’s just _so_ many reasons for it, so go ahead! Anyone? Free Fire Lord Murder on the table? Anyone?”

The room stayed still, everyone looking at Suki with their mouths hanging open to varying degrees.

“Oh, okay. What a surprise, no one here took the opportunity. Guess no one here wants to kill you.”

Zuko looked like he might just die of confusion and terror anyway. 

Suki sighed. “But, you don’t believe that, do you Fire Lord?” 

Zuko narrowed his eyes at her. 

“Is this a trap? You can go ahead, I agree with you, go ahead and—”

“Toph, would you release his restraints please?” 

Confused for the first time Sokka had ever seen, Toph did so. 

Quickly, Suki pulled out a cloth wrapping from...who knows where and grabbed Zuko’s wrist, pulling him to standing and ignoring the hiss that came from literally everyone’s mouth except the one actively in pain, (probably? Who knows if he felt that anymore? If he felt anything other than fear? Or if old injuries and new injuries were just blurring together into more excuses to not trust anyone) then Suki briskly, efficiently bandaged and splinted it.

“Thank you,” Zuko said. 

“You’re welcome,” Suki said. 

She turned to the side, stripping the fans from her belt, the short sword from where it was tucked under her tunic, the knives tied to her calf and forearm until Sokka knew she was weaponless and also knew nothing about whatever the fuck she was doing. 

Then, she immediately dropped to her knees, into a full bow at Zuko’s feet. 

“Fire Lord Zuko, Heir to the Golden Flame, Chosen Child of Agni, and Keeper of the Light, I surrender myself, Master Suki, Captain of the Kyoshi Warriors, up for treason and attempted assasination of the Fire Lord, punishable by execution by the offended party himself. May your justice come swift and absolute”

Okay, this was getting worse. 

Much, much worse. 

* * *

Suki understood now. She didn't want to, but she did. She understood how every moment, every branch, every kind word she had offered to Zuko had been twisted around in his mind to nothing more than poison and threats.

Her thoughts rushed, her blood pumping in her ears, her brain playing back every moment with and without Zuko in the past three weeks, and she knew what had happened. 

Zuko, blood on his chest, bruises on his throat, looking up with fear in his eyes at her

Zuko, hiding in his room, feeling safe with Mai, telling Mai he didn't want to see her

Zuko, telling her that he didn't want her hurt while flinching away from her. 

Zuko, absolutely sure that she wanted to hurt him

She knew it was her fault. 

But, she also knew she could fix it; she _had to_. She knew what she was doing. 

She knew her friends like she knew her fan forms, like she knew the rigging on a boat, like she knew how to tie a half-hitch— she knew it, deep in her muscles until it was as natural as breathing.

And, worse comes to worst, all that happens is she might die. Such is life. 

She saw Katara’s hand move and hoped all her friends had the good sense to stay still and trust her. Which, they did. She knew her friends’ brains.

And they knew hers. Enough, at least, to trust her. 

Well, all but one did, _apparently_. 

Said friend was still standing above her. Knowing protocol with royals, she knew not to look up. 

To wait. 

She could feel the confusion mixed with pain above her so she pressed her forehead a little firmer into the carpet and prayed to whatever gods would take pity on them all. 

“Suki?” Zuko said softly. 

“I mean it, Your Majesty.” 

“Suki, no.” 

“Again, Fire Lord Zuko—” 

“Suki.”

“Heir to the Golden Flame, Chosen Child of Agni, and Keeper of the Light—”

“Suki—” 

“I surrender myself, Master Suki, Captain of the Kyoshi Warriors, up for treason and attempted assasination—” 

“Suki, stop it—” She could hear the tears in his voice and tightened her jaw. 

“—of the Fire Lord, punishable by execution by the offended party himself—” 

“Suki, stop!” 

The only sound left in the room was his ragged breathing. 

“Suki, I’m not going to— I won’t— I would never— ”

She saw his robes pool on the ground as he sunk to the floor in front of her and she risked looking up, seeing what she expected after she offered herself up to him: her friend’s - her dear, dear friend’s - face, the eyebrows pushed together and the eyes glistening and _hurt_. Because of her. This whole time, because of her.

But she couldn’t dwell on that. This wasn’t about that right now. 

Zuko blinked and a tear dripped down his face. 

“Never what?” she asked. 

His breath caught again and she saw the desperation return to his eyes, his hands as they gestured wildly. “I would never— I could never...hurt you. Like that. Like…” His eyes snapped down to his knees, gently touching hers. “I could never hurt you.” 

In an instant she was sitting up, grabbing his face and holding it, a thumb running over the fresh cut on his cheek, holding him safe and close to her, so _happy_ to touch him again, feeling his warmth under her hands.

Still, her voice came low and serious, knowing she had to hold back for him to understand, hoping it was eased by the soothing press of her thumb, running over his cheek, and her forehead pressed into his. “That’s how the rest of us feel, you absolute _idiot_ . You wouldn’t do that to the people you care about. You wouldn’t do that to _me_. Right? Because you care about me. Because we don’t hurt the people we care about. Even if some people do, that’s not going to happen anymore. Not with us. Not to any of us. Your own actions and feelings are evidence of the protection you don’t think exists.”

She dropped her hands and tried to calm herself, the emotions welling up and, _shit,_ she thought she had a better hold of this. Just a few moments ago, she’d thought she wouldn’t cry. 

She offered one hand, between the two of them, asking with her eyes and trying not to be desperate. 

_Please._

_Please, gods, please._

He put his hand in hers, willingly, gently, without flinching for the first time since she got back and that gave her the strength to say this, even if she couldn’t look at him anymore. She _wasn’t_ going to cry. Instead she would enjoy the feeling of his soft skin in hers, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles, the scabs there healing now and leaving behind only fresh pink skin. 

“You… I...care about you. We _all_ care about you. I would never hurt you. I will never hurt you. I will never try to hurt you. I will never want to hurt you. You…” she looked up at him, knowing this was important. “No matter what you do, from this point on. I care about you. You could do anything...ever. _Anything_. And I will never stop. It could never stop me from caring about you. Never. No matter what. No matter what, nothing would make me ever want to hurt you.” 

He looked at her, just looking for one long moment, and then he nodded. And she saw in his eyes, maybe he was actually starting to believe it. 

In the next moment, she had her arms full of firebender, full of her friend, full of the boy she loved who was back with her and finally giving the hug she had wanted for _weeks._

And then she _finally_ let herself cry. And so did he. And so did the rest of them, quickly joining them, a puddle of crying kids on the floor who were all safe again. 

Suki had thought, a few months ago, that they would be able to have a few bad nights and a good cry and then everything would be fine. That, soon, they wouldn’t have to think about the war or the nightmares or any of the bad things ever again. 

Now, she knew that wasn’t true. They would have good days. They would have bad days. And everything possible in between. But they’d be there for each other through it all. When things were awful. And when things were good, because they could be so, so good. She loved her friends. And she’d be there for them through all of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: Hi friends, the suicidal ideation is much, much more in this chapter. (Basically, consisting of Zuko coming to terms with the fact they "want to kill him", justifying it, inviting them to do it, and then attempting to do so for them via fire, through he doesn't manage to burn himself at all), descriptions of injury and blood (the only injury happening in this chapter being a wrist break), restraints, talk of death and execution, mentions of hallucinations, paranoia, sleep deprivation, and disordered eating


	12. Recovery Parts 1, 2, and 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my GOD it's done! I've loved, loved, loved this story so, so much. So much. And I've LOVED working with the amazing team so so much.  
> Thank you to them and a big thank you to all of you for joining me and for all the support.  
> <3 <3 <3
> 
> TW in end notes

Things got easier after that. 

Well, not exactly easier. But, at least Sokka understood better. He knew he didn't need to fix it for Zuko. And wasn't capable of it. 

But, in the beginning he tried. Spirits, he  _ tried.  _

It took a night after a week of sleepless nights, hours of him babbling to Zuko and Suki, both exhausted and barely awake, holding onto Zuko’s wrists and repeating over and over, “We would never hurt you, I love you so much, I can make it better, I  _ promise _ , I think— I hope, you’re so much to me and I— and you— and it wouldn’t—” the words jagged and not matching up but if he just  _ kept trying  _ eventually he’d find a way to make them fit together right in a way that would fix it all. 

He needed them to be safe. He needed them to be okay. He needed them to not leave him. He needed to not give them a reason to leave him. He needed to fix whatever reason they might have already seen. 

And Zuko stopped him. 

And Zuko said, “It doesn’t have to be fixed right now. There’s nothing to fix. I’m just happy you’re here.”

And in that there was its own promise. They would all stay together. There wasn’t a rush. There wasn’t a clock on the horizon rushing Sokka to save them. They had time. 

It was enough to just be there. And, he realized, he needed that from them too. Waking up breathless, reaching out whenever they were gone, and not needing the hurt, the fear, the old-familiar pain to leave. Just for them to be there when it cropped up, a hand to squeeze and a shoulder to lean against and he was learning how to  _ be  _ better at that every day. 

He learned not to tackle Zuko in a hug, but he could casually mention that he wanted one. Depending on the day, sometimes Sokka would get one, and he was learning to be okay with the days when he didn’t.

He was learning to be okay with the days Zuko would retreat, stay in his rooms all day and not come out, and somehow still going to meetings in a way where none of them would ever see him and then slinking back to his room. 

He would be sad and Sokka wouldn’t be able to fix it and Sokka was okay with that. And Zuko wouldn’t leave him because of it. And, on the worst days, Zuko would tell him so and tell him he still cared about him and wanted to be alone anyway. 

Sokka didn’t have to fix it. He could just be there with him. Those days he would ask if he could join him, sit silently, and ignore Zuko’s sighs. 

Sometimes, after a few hours, Zuko would talk. 

He’d talk about a nightmare, about a look from a council member that had him staying up all night reviewing political ties again, sure the civil war they were all dreading was about to break out, or about a comment from Katara that had him forgetting the past months of friendship and only remembering cold ice and involuntary bloodshed. 

One bad...bad day...Zuko hadn’t let him into his room at all. Instead, Sokka sat on his balcony, quietly reading, finishing his work and occupying himself looking at the sky and avoiding looking at the moon. 

He didn’t even notice when he dozed off. 

The next day, he woke up, Suki on one side of him, her head on his shoulder. 

And Zuko on the other side, the other boy holding his hand in his lap and tracing the lines on the palm. 

Quietly, he said, “It was you.”

Sokka stiffened, hoped it wasn’t too obvious, and felt Suki press her head into his shoulder. 

“It was you, two nights ago. In the nightmare.” 

“I’m sorry,” Sokka said, opening his other arm up, just a little, just enough to be an invitation, but not a demand. 

_ Maybe.  _

_ Hopefully.  _

Sokka didn’t want to be desperate, didn’t want to admit how much he needed others’ skin, to feel them alive and well and happy and well...with a pulse under his hand. How much he  _ ached _ when others went missing. His people had their own issues. They didn’t need to hear about him walking in the gardens and being suddenly, absolutely sure everyone important to him was dead. 

They didn’t need to know that’s what brought him here, sitting alone through cold nights outside Zuko’s rooms. 

He would just... open himself up, let others take what they wanted, and enjoy whatever he got out of it. 

He was fine with whatever they gave him. He was fine with whenever Zuko felt okay enough to see him. He was fine. It was fine. He was fine. 

After a moment, Zuko took the invitation, and Sokka wanted to sob, finally getting the other boy near him, close enough to touch and hold and...just be with. Sokka smiled as Zuko leaned gently against his chest, laying his head to mirror Suki’s. 

Zuko told them about the rest. He didn’t have to, but he did. He told him how Sokka attacked him in his sleep, right before he woke up, the ways dream-Sokka hurt him and Sokka immediately, easily picked holes in all of them.

“I would never be awake that early, let alone awake enough to fight  _ you _ .” 

When he says Sokka held his boomerang to his throat, Sokka said, 

“No, the angle would be all wrong. I’d be more of a knife guy, and even then, the mess? I wear blue, buddy - I’d never be able to get the stain out and where would I find replacements  _ here _ ? I don’t think the Fire Nation sells many seal skins.” 

When he says that Sokka had looked him in the eyes and told him how he had lied to him about caring, about everything, Sokka’s cheer broke, just a little. 

And part of his heart might have gone with it. 

But, he wasn't going to show that to Zuko. Not while knowing the other boy he loved was hurting and he was fighting an inescapable past. The war was unfair. Everything they had gone through was unfair. The only thing they could do was be better to each other. So he said: “You know I’m a terrible liar. Ask me anything, I’ll prove it.” 

Suki asked first. “Who lost Katara’s comb last week?”

“Oh, uhhh…” Shit, pulling out the big guns immediately? “Appa! Appa did. Guess he wanted to finally get all that fur in order, haha. Probably is still tangled up in all of it, should check there first!”

Zuko went next, smiling up at him, “Hmm...what about Councilmen Ryo the other day? Somehow the directions a guard gave him had him ending up in the bee-wasp hives and not in his chambers? Any clue how that happened?”

“Oh, uh, you know? This palace in a maze, I swear, haven’t we all ended up in the bee-wasp hives before? Doesn’t have anything to do with...anyone...or any servants they were conspiring with.” 

Suki went again, laughter tingeing her question, “And what about Councilman Sokka and the rumors of his affairs around the palace. I’ve heard he almost  _ never  _ spends a night in his own quarters.”

“Oh, my own quarters! No, I’m...I’m there all the time. The only reason no one sees me going at night is because...because...I just never leave. I truly am there all the time, love it...all the decoration...which is...some decoration. Some color. Red, probably, everything is red here. I’m sure. I’m there literally all the time. Except for meetings. And right now. And other times. If you see me...not there.”

Zuko went next, his gaze back on Sokka’s hand and avoiding him., “Would you ever...if it came to it?”

Sokka’s eye brows knit together, and he felt Suki’s fingers squeeze his thigh. 

“You know...what Suki said that one time. If it came to it. If I— changed or...became something bad. Would you—”

“No.” 

“I mean, I wouldn’t...hold it against you if you did… I mean it would—” 

“Zuko,” Sokka said. His voice was even again. “No. I wouldn’t. Nothing you do could change my mind.”

And the look Zuko gave him, all wide eyes, searching like he was memorizing every inch of his face, analyzing it to keep for later and Sokka hoped,  _ dear gods  _ he hoped, that everything about him showed his complete incapability to lie about this. 

Finally, Zuko squeezed his hand, now reaching across to tangle both of their hands with Suki’s and they looked out, together, to watch the sun come out. 

Things were getting better. 

Things were hard but...they were going to be okay. Every single one of them would make sure of it. They would all be together and they'd be okay. 

* * *

Zuko had a lot of love in his heart. 

The problem is he kept it there, and never talked about it, and let it slowly consume him as he was sure that love would kill him. And he  _ ached,  _ because no one would even acknowledge it, not his family, not his former nonexistent friends, especially not himself. 

And now...he did. He had that. He had people who would drag him, kicking and screaming, into admitting how much he loved them. Even though he had already said it. In tea made carefully and calmly and meticulously measured out to get Katara’s taste just right. 

In knowing what Toph wants, what would make her happy. When she needs a building to destroy or someone to tell her that they’re proud. Noticing when she’s not happy. Sitting until she wanted to talk about it. 

In gifts for Sokka. Pretty shells and beads the color of his eyes and the last dumpling at lunch. Things that reminded him of Sokka. Anything that would make him happy and that he would take as a keepsake. Because Sokka had mentioned enjoying that. 

Vegan dishes for Aang, searching far and wide, reading thick volumes late into the night to find any hint of his culture. Surprising Aang with a feast of food he used to get everyday, taste-tested the week before with Ty Lee and her eyes welling up with tears as she tasted her grandmother’s recipes for the first time in years. 

The look on everyone’s face when he told them they were going to travel. He figured, with five people at his back who  _ actually  _ didn’t want him dead, why give up so much of their lives to pacify people who do? If his council wanted something, they could send letters, since most of what the stuck up old bags did was yell at him and waste his time reviewing paperwork. He’d get to them when he got to them because, as Sokka would say, “A Fire Lord isn’t any good when he’s burnt-out. Get it? Burnt-out. Like...what you guys do? To kill things?” And they all knew, more time with each other was the best gift he could give them. 

And then there was Suki. Suki didn’t need anything. 

Suki sat with him. Suki gave  _ him  _ things. Suki took care of  _ him _ . Suki...didn’t want anything. Other than him and his time. Which he gave, of course he did, anything for his friends. 

And that scared him. 

There were nights that she would come and not say anything when he asked why she was there. 

She’d laugh and say that his bed was more comfortable. And he would stay up all night thinking about what that meant until he was sure that was a twisted joke about him dying that night. And then thoughts of  _ when  _ would keep him awake, waiting for her to do it and wondering what time she would choose. He always hoped for the dawn. 

But, he could talk now. And if he couldn’t talk, he could write. He could leave a note that he thought was so stupid and childish, which told Suki all the things keeping him awake and asking her to just be honest with him, and he even scratched out the caveat that if she wanted to kill him now he’d be okay with it. 

She wouldn’t kill him. He knew it. He just needed to be reminded. 

And the next night she came and he asked, “What do you want?” 

And she said, “Just to be with you,” with a smile and a flop on his bed and a sheepish Sokka following a few minutes later. 

It was nice. It was terrifying. It was something Zuko could get used to. 

There was a give and take. There were days he was there for Suki, stroking her hair, having paper airship wars with the trash bills from shitty ex-Ozai supporters and always losing to her, the days where he watched her cook and didn’t worry, the days where he told her she did everything she could do and didn’t need to feel guilty anymore. Those were the days they would stay up again, trying to convince her, or, at least, give a good enough distraction.

And then there were bad days. Days he woke up gasping, pressing his face into Suki’s hair, making sure they were safe and okay and needing to feel and touch and make sure because everything he saw and heard was lying to him. 

And then...the worst days. The days he would reach out to them and it would hurt. Where he would need them and feel like he couldn’t have them even when they were in his arms. When it felt like nothing and everything and too much and not enough all at the same time. It was numbness and over-stimulation and confusion. 

But they knew him. Better than he knew himself. They knew what he needed. Which was fair, since he knew the same for them. 

He knew when to drag Suki to a practice room, tire her out, dodging attacks or giving her a dummy to tear apart. He knew when she needed a hug and when she needed a push. 

When she wanted to argue and when she wanted to yell and for him to tell her he loved her anyway. Which he did. And would. And will. 

And Sokka always needed something new. A hip to lean on. A body to talk at as he worked through another world-changing idea. Another pair of legs to chase down that fucking lemur. 

Someone to trust him. Someone to tell him they didn’t need to be convinced, he didn’t need to be perfect, he didn’t need to save them and they’d love him anyway. 

Someone to laugh at his jokes, even the worst ones, the ones he makes when he’s on the verge of crying or hyperventilating or fresh off a nightmare it would take him a week to talk about. 

Zuko would do anything for them. Anything. 

And Suki said they felt the same way. 

Wasn’t that terrifying? Wasn’t that excruciating? Knowing the people he loved most in the world felt the same for him? 

And they  _ knew  _ him. They knew he felt that way. And told him they would be safe anyway, when he needed to hear it most. They knew what he needed and would give it to him, even when he was being difficult. They loved him, even when it was inconvenient. Even when he didn’t know what to say or how to ask for help and what that help would look like. 

And they would ask when they didn’t know what to do. They wouldn’t leave. They would ask,  _ and _ it would be okay if Zuko didn’t know. They would try something or sit with him until he felt better or until he figured it out. Or felt well enough to tell them what he  _ actually  _ needed. 

And, Zuko was learning how to say...something. When they asked. Hopefully and more often it would be something honest. Something that Zuko didn’t even know to think about a few months ago. 

And now he was. 

Now, he had something else to think about: how to live better with the people he loved, as he accepted the fact he was going to live.

* * *

Suki didn’t ask to guard him anymore. 

Instead, she would sneak into his room at night, easily passing the guards in a way that  _ totally  _ didn’t worry her. In her sleep clothes, she would steal into Zuko’s room and ask if she could stay the night. 

Usually Sokka would join within the hour, though with more clamoring and more Zuko saving him from the guards. Sometimes he’d get there first. And then Suki would be the one saving him from the guards. 

By two week past...the incident, Suki stopped spending any nights in her room at all. The one time she tried to lay down for a nap, she couldn’t, realizing she missed the warmth bracketing her on either side, letting her know her boys were safe. 

She smiled, thinking of how she had tossed and turned for almost half an hour, trying to convince herself it was fine, and hating herself for suffering from both exhaustion and the complete, total inability to actually  _ sleep _ . So, still in loose pants and a long sleep shirt, she made her way to Zuko’s office. There, she found Sokka already sitting on one of Zuko's ridiculously stuffed cushions (that they all secretly loved), both of her boys working and completely unaware that she stood in the doorway, watching them.

She coughed and said, “I’m tired.” 

Without even looking up, Zuko scooted over on his cushion, giving room for her to share. As she curled up against his back, she saw Sokka’s face, looking over at the two of them and smiling. Then, she was out like a light. 

Nowadays, even though she still panics anytime she's alone, anytime she messes up a move in training, anytime she knows someone she cares about is alone and the threat of helplessness looms on the horizon, she's working on it. She knows it's just baggage from a war that she's still trying to convince herself is over.

She doesn’t ask to guard Zuko, she doesn’t change his guards (even though her people could do better). She stays with him. She spends time with him. She notices how he relaxes, stops looking every few minutes at the door, when she or one of their other friends are there. 

She notices how he jumps at every knock at the door. She also notices how he stops when she gets between him and the door, rising before anything else could make its way into the room. 

She doesn’t ‘protect’ him at night. She stays with him. She sleeps in his bed, his arms around her, or her arms around him, or Sokka taking over somewhere in the mix. 

She makes tea after a nightmare and adding honey for his throat when he wakes up screaming. He lets him watch her make it. The early days he keeps them in a locked cabinet and she doesn’t comment on it. She’ll just gently remind him. Say, “I can make that if you want”. She just reminds him that she’s there and loves him and will respect any decision he makes on what makes him feel safe. 

Respect if they have to go get water three times before he is sure that it’s fine. Respect if he doesn’t trust the tea that day and forces them all to just drink hot water because he had a bad feeling about the new shipment. Respect if he can’t stomach it at and just watches her drink her own. Respect if he insists that none of them drink any of it and drags them to a secret storeroom that leaves nine different cobwebs in her hair. 

These days, she doesn’t offer to cook. But she’ll tell him when she’s going to the kitchens, let him trail after her if he wants. Those days, he watches her cook and she carefully keeps her hands in total sight then entire time. 

The look on his face as he tries the finished product is the sweetest thing she’s ever made. 

Two and a half weeks after the incident there’s another attack. The assassin comes for the Fire Lord in his bed. 

However, the assassin didn’t plan on the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors and the mastermind behind the Day of the Black Sun to be in the same bed. 

He didn’t even make it a foot into the room before Suki is out of bed and throwing him into the wall, Sokka holding Zuko and calming his panting breaths.

The assassin was good— but, as always Suki was better. 

Still, it’s later, when Suki nursed a lucky stab wound to her shoulder that Zuko sat next to her and gently asked if the Kyoshi Warriors would consider becoming part of the palace guards. 

Suki smiled and said of course. 

She made sure that Zuko met and ate a meal with each individual one, learned their names, their past, their hate for the old Fire Nation and their love for the new Fire Lord that was making it better. 

She spaced them out, noted when Zuko tensed during them, and let Zuko sit closest to the door. 

She even asked her warriors not to bring the fans and not to come in armor. Zuko is the first dignitary met free of make-up, in casual clothing, across a table and drinking tea. 

She thought her warriors enjoy it too. 

As expected, he was an awkward mess and they love him. 

He spilled tea on himself in about half the meetings and got distracted by turtleducks in the window at the other half. It’s horribly endearing and Suki has to constantly remind herself to be  _ professional in these, goddammit.  _

It was good to see him like this. Loose, again. Not relaxed, but not resigned as he once was. Not recognizing his...giving-up, his fear, his...acceptance earlier will always leave a bitter taste in her mouth but...she’s grateful for the time now. 

She’s grateful that they still tried to help him. 

She’s grateful that he wanted to fight. 

She’s grateful that he didn’t try to do to himself what he had thought they wanted. 

Some nights, she has nightmares that he did. She dreams she wakes up to a cold body, she worries that she’ll go to his office and find blood pooling, sharp and vivid in her mind. Those days she wakes up, buries her face in his chest,  _ squeezes,  _ looks at every inch of him needing more and more and  _ more _ , needing anything more to be sure that he was  _ here _ , he was  _ safe _ , he was still with her. 

And he lets her. Thank every god known, he lets her. 

It’s a day three and a half months past the incident that Suki realizes how much things have changed.

None of them leave at the same time anymore, much as Zuko insists he’s fine. None of them leave the others for any amount of time, actually. They travel together, they leave together, they stay together. 

They visit Gaoling together and Toph was right, the weather was good. The starfruit was better. The look on her parent’s faces was the best. They work to rebuild the air temples together. They spend time at the South Pole together and Suki creates a repertoire with Bato, much to everyone’s dismay. Hakoda gets to spend time with Aang, Zuko and Suki, not under the threat of anything and gets to know them. Sokka takes Toph ice-diving. It’s...a lot. She passes, of course, with a mark of wisdom but...it’s a lot. Suki gets the brave and Zuko gets the trusted and both of them cry a little bit and say it’s just the wind. They go to Ba Sing Se together and Iroh forces them all to make tea. Aang and Katara are the only ones who are even mildly successful and Zuko is banned from the kitchens. They stay together. By now, it looks like they probably always will. 

They had lost too many people and come too close too many times to risk it. 

The war had already taken so many years with the people they love away from them. They weren’t going to lose more in a time of peace. 

It was a day Zuko had woken up early, made sure to rouse both of them just enough to tell them where he was going (so no one would think he was dead— not that that had happened, but it had totally happened, and Suki has almost lost her mind) and Suki nodded sleepily, pressing her lips to the back of his hand before he left and falling back asleep with the memory of his soft skin. 

When she and Sokka finally woke (at almost noon) she slipped into the kitchen after the lunch rush, pulling Sokka along. The two made a mess with flour and anything else they could find, and Suki made steamed buns, her mother’s recipe. 

She and Sokka shared a chair as they cooked, Suki trying to shove him out of it and him trying to shove her out of it, both of them ending up on the floor and then racing to steal the chair first every couple of minutes.

By the time they were done, they both were slightly more bruised and laughing, finally having given up on seating and were sprawled across each other on the ground. 

That’s the sight the Fire Lord walked in on when he found them. 

He didn’t even bat an eye at their antics. 

Instead, he sniffed and said, “What’s that smell?”

Suki managed to get Sokka’s hand off of her face to say, “Steamed buns! I made them myself.” 

And she got to watch as his eyes lit up as he went to go eat one.

Without even being worried at all. 

They were getting better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of hallucinations, sleep deprivation, paranoia, disordered eating, death, and suicide/suicidal ideation


End file.
